I wrote out an answer, and then it said I couldn't post. LOL Oh well. I said:

"No, you're not a bad person. I'm not your judge and it would never be my place to do so.

If you really want my own personal view on cheating ... well, I think if someone wants to cheat so badly that it's rotting their brains out thinking about it, then something has decidedly gone sideways in their relationship or marriage.

Deal with the root relationship first, and then go on to someone else, rather than trying to carry on a marriage and an affair.

It's just not worth the hurt that it causes. Just watch those daytime talk shows in order to see how much it destroys families. It can involve the loss of respect from one's children and spouse. It just ain't worth it, in my personal opinion.

I hope that in future relationships, that if you ever get to the point where you want to cheat, that instead you'll sit down with your partner and say, "Honey, I think something's gone sideways," and talk it out. Deal with the relationship in which you've made a commitment first.

But having said that, dude, we're all human and not a single one of us is perfect. You won't have a rock thrown at you from me."

Those are my feeling exactly.

I don't think cheating is a good idea because it does cause pain and avoids the issue. If the relationship is in trouble, deal with it and work through that to whatever end you both decide.

that what goes on between consenting adults I find none of my business. The longer I live the less I judge others.

Damn wine! After a few glasses you post before finishing your thought.

"The longer I live the less I judge others."

Ain't that the truth!

(Judging people is a lot of work. I have better things to do.)


~VOW

Wow! This post sounds a lot like my life the last few years..only I'm the wife. My husband knows that I lurk here too and just enough facts are different to make me wonder if he isn't trying to throw me off of his tracks!

Hey badperson, did you ever actually admit to your wife that you cheated or did you just say that the girl was a co-worker? Is your wife actually TBM or was she born Catholic and is currently exmo because she joined for you? Is the so called atheist friend actually your brother?

I know this makes me sound psycho, but this story really strikes a nerve. We fight over the same things and it really is a roller coaster one week to the next. The alcohol, anti-depressents, 2 kids, working out, reading all kinds of new books, business trip, marriage on one week and off the next, the Christian ideals on marriage and more. The similarities are striking.

If it is you hubby...WE NEED TO TALK!

"I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with the way I feel (or don't feel). I would have expected to feel terribly guilty, but I don't. I suppose if our relationship had been better, I would feel differently? But then, had that been the case, maybe I wouldn't have the motivation to do what I did. Adultery carries such a large negative stigma in our society."

You should feel guilty! Why do you think adultery carries a stigma? It carries a stigma because it is sneaky, underhanded and downright devastating to the other party. You have no heart and that is quite clear because you said you would do it again!

I would tell you to get some help, but I don't think they can help you grow a conscience.

Wow, didn't expect so many replies.

Sorry Meagainat40, I'm not your hubby.

I had cut off contact with the other girl. Out of the blue, three months later, she messages me about how she wants to talk again. My wife intercepts this message. I can keep a secret, but I'm a horrible liar. In fact, my honesty tends to get me in trouble more times than naught. I tell her all of the truth no holds barred. Within a day my family and hers know about it. Her bishop knows about it. Her doctor knows about it. Her co-workers know about it. Hell, why not just post an ad in the newspaper I say.

At the time we were already planning to sell our house and get divorced. The divorce plan was in the works before my infidelity, we just didn't have the motivation to do anything about it.

I must say there is a lot of information about my marriage that has been left unsaid for lack of time and privacy reasons. As I expected, opinions on the subject seem to be pretty polarized. Men and women tend to have different opinions on the subject.

My purpose of this post was to gauge the opinions of people out there in similar shoes (exmormon). I'm not looking to justify my actions. I hate the fact that my actions have hurt my wife as I still love her as a friend. I will always be sorry for that. Ideally, I would love to be in a faithful monogomous relationship if I can ever find one.

But at the same time as you say you hate that you hurt your wife, yet in your original post, you discounted her pain as unnecessary. Which is it?

What struck me specifically in your original post was this quote: "I feel bad that my actions have caused her pain. Nevertheless, I do not feel bad for my actions, and I would do it again. I can't help but feel that her pain is unnecessary; not because I could have acted differently, but because her perception of sexualfidelity is convoluted by a conservative Christian culture. Is there something wrong with me?"

Yes, there is something wrong with you - a lack of sensitivity and understanding that with your adultery, you essentially ripped your wife's sense of self apart. You flatly questioned her worth - not just as your wife, but as a person. And after all of that, you have the audacity to dismiss her pain as something "unnecessary." That's just incredibly cruel and callous.

As a woman who has been cheated on by her husband (and we're working to get past it and stay together), I can tell you flatly that it's absolutely horrible to be cheated on. Even if there were other issues, even if it's not meant in such a way, the statement I got as the wife in mine was that I'm worth less than his sexual appetite.

I felt used, I felt incredibly betrayed... and I felt ashamed because I felt like everyone was looking at me, blaming me because I couldn't keep my husband at home.

I am a nevermo who has a history with mormons that brings me to this board. I am not Christian, I'm definitely not someone who thinks sexual relationships need to fit in a particular mold.

BUT - you knew that your wife was someone who considered monogamy important in her relationship. You broke that vow.

You were absolutely in the wrong here - and since you stated (per the quote above) that you don't feel bad for your actions, you'd do the same thing again.

Your sexual monogamy is not the issue of right and wrong here - we all have our sexual preferences. But to condemn someone for another viewpoint, and break the vow of your relationship with that individual to go satisfy your sexual appetites, rather than do the right thing and end the relationship first. That's where you went wrong. You furthered that wrong by dismissing her emotions caused by your actions.

Are you a bad person? I don't have enough info for that. Are you a jerk? Regarding this instance, absolutely.

BadPerson Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> As I expected, opinions on the subject seem to be pretty polarized. Men and women tend to have different opinions on the
subject.

Well, I'm a female, and all I did was point out that cheating has the potential to cost you dearly. You may have been half-way or more out of your marriage already, but if you cheat again in a future relationship, the emotional consequences may be more dire.

One thing you need to be aware of -- there is a certain type of woman who is on the lookout for married men exclusively. These women are using you just as much as you are using them. If they break up a marriage, they won't stay with you long enough to help you clean up the mess. Just a word of warning.

I actually don't think men and women have different opinions on the subject. People have different opinions.

I wish you luck in your new life and hope your wife finds what she's looking for too.

My BF and I have some different views about sex- I never believed monogamy was possible and this is the first monogamous relationship I've had in over a decade. If he wanted an open relationship, I would be open to it, as *long as there is no lying, hiding, or dishonesty.*

My biggest problem with cheating is how people deceive their lovers, deny, then justify. I vehemently oppose the idea that "forgiveness is easier to ask than permission."

I don't think you're a bad person, but I think you made a stupid mistake. Maybe you need to ask yourself if this is an action you're going to repeat in the future. If so, you might want to consider the type of person you get serious with- not all people are open-minded about open relationships.

1) Get a job, any job. Once you are no longer dependent on your husband for support, you can develop your own identity.

2) Start accumulating a secret stash. Even if it's only tip money of dimes, nickels, and quarters, something is better than nothing.

3) Go through everything in the house and figure out the bare minimum you'll need for you and the kids. Also pack up family pictures and mementoes, and store them with a relative or trusted friend.

4) Get yourself tested for STDs.

5) Leave.

~VOW

@ BadPerson: Thanks for replying to the thread again:) My husband almost paid for your mistake too because I was about to go get all over him about your original post.

I must admit that our lives are freakishly similar I guess that there are a lot of us out here in similar circumstances after leaving the church. It has been a strange and painful journey for many of us from all walks of life. This board can be very helpful, but sometimes it makes us rehash history(personal) that is sometimes better left in the dust.

I understand that you left out a lot of your personal history and maybe your wife did many things to hurt you too, but I still can't fathom not feeling guilty and saying that you would do it again...unless she was unfaithful before and you felt vengeful. That would still be wrong, but at least maybe we would be more understanding if she had hurt you in the same manner.

I think your follow up posts showed you in a much better light. I'm glad to hear that you do feel badly about hurting your wife and at least the divorce plans were already in the works. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does let us know that you both thought the marriage was over.

I hope that you both find happiness in the future..together or apart. Take good care of those kids and make sure you have a united front where they are concerned.

@ voweaver...I get it.
Thanks

I'm always here...I'm just a lurker at heart :) I do learn a lot by just sitting back and taking it all in.

How do you make your post as a reply to a certain comment? I just replied to bignevermo, but my post jumped above him/her.

maybe this post will give you some motivation to bring up the problems you are having in your relationship! you really should do that! good luck with that meagain! c'mon back take your shoes off and set a spell when ya can.....:)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/11/2011 01:09PM by bignevermo.

My take: Is the OP a bad person? Probably not, but as other posters pointed out, there's not enough information to draw a conclusion.

Did the OP do a shitty thing to his wife? Yep. Sho nuff. He went back on his word, which was, presumably, to be faithful. Does she have a reasonable right to be hurt and pissed off about the betrayal of trust and lack of integrity demonstrated by her now ex? You betcha! Dismissing and discounting the emotional damage done by this shitty thing he did was worse (in my mind) than the cheating.

Next time, finish your old unfinished business first before you move on to new things. That way you keep your word you gave to someone. You might end up divorced eleventy times, but hey, at least you could keep your integrity.

Oh and lastly: Good people do shitty things all the time. Doesn't make you a bad person necessarily... unless perhaps you're not willing to look at the part you played in a bad scene and take responsibility for the destruction you left behind.