Sorry for the off-topic post-- I just know that this forum is a fantastic place to get at least 30 different opinions and I'm conflicted :0)

My best friend's baby-daddy and recent ex saw a silly photo on facebook and jumped to the conclusion that she is having an affair with a close friend of MINE that she hardly knows. The "incriminating" photo is of the two of them being goofy on the ONE time they hung out-- when we all went to a concert with a big group. Seriously, they run in completely different circles. They know of each other because of ME and have spent about three hours in the same place at the same time in their lives. He lives like three hours away, and there's no way he's tripping over here to carry on with her. She spends her free time with me and he doesn't come over our way unless it's a paying gig that will cover gas (we're both musicians in the same band and money is always tight for him because of child-support).

Anyway, so my BFF's ex has a history of being paranoid in this way, and in the past he has even gone to the trouble of looking up guys he thinks are involved with her and giving them the third-degree. It hasn't ever escalated to violence, but it is alarming.

We don't have anything except history to go on. The ex hasn't made any specific threats to do anything. But she mentioned to me today that she wonders if I should give my friend a heads up. A lot of his contact information and gig schedule are on the internet because of his work (music), so he would be really easy to find.

I don't want to freak him out unnecessarily, and I'm hoping the whole thing will just blow over, but this could be serious.

Okay my RfM friends, do what you do best. Any advice? Should I tell him and how should I go about it?


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This is what I have so far (if I tell him at all):

Hey [friend], I have something kind of random I need to tell you. I don't want to freak you out, but I think it's important enough that you need a heads up.

[BFF]'s ex and baby-daddy saw a silly photo of the two of you on facebook (the one at [place] when we saw [band] together). He freaked out and got the idea that the two of you had something going on while they were still together. She has told him it's not true, but he is furious and doesn't believe her. I've seen the text message he sent with the photo and accusation.

Anyway, [ex] has, in the past, confronted guys he thinks are doing the dirty with [BFF]. He hasn't ever been violent, but he is paranoid and really angry right now. It may come to nothing, but [BFF] told me because she thought it might be good for you to know in the off-chance that he decides he needs to have a talk with you.

So, there you have it. I'm sorry to tell it to you, but I figured it was probably important enough.

Hugs bro :0)

I say stay out of it unless you really feel someone may get hurt. The guy sounds very insecure. They aren't together so why is he all into her new life? I guess I just don't get men who do that. Grow up and move on. So no, I would not get involved at all unless you really do think some violent act may occur. Then just tell the paranoid guy about the nonrelationship if it is easier that way. He can go find someone else to bother. He sounds like a loser who thinks he is all that!!!

How about a lighter touch more like

"Hey,(friend), you gotta hear this. You know BFF's baby daddy, the paranoid fool? Well, he saw that jacked up picture of you and BFF at the concert last year and FREAKED!!!

No kidding, he is (your fav adjective) furious and thinks you and BFF were doing the NASTY back then! Like he doesn't have a LIFE.

LMAO

You"


Now he's warned without you looking like a paranoid fool. Good luck and let us know how it went...

Anagrammy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/17/2011 11:24PM by anagrammy.

Thank you! I think that's a much better way to handle it. I don't want to freak him out, but I feel like he needs a heads up. The ex has totally stalked and confronted people in the past in similar scenarios and it is a legitimate concern. At the same time, I don't want him to think he has to live in fear. I think what you have proposed is a good compromise.

Thanks :0)

Better to live in fear than to have some big drunk jealous asshole jump out of the dark wanting to punch you out. Trust me.

+1 for anagrammy.

That looks like a cool way to deal with it.

Yeah, humor may be best, but seriously do warn your friend. If I were your buddy and I got my face punched in randomly by some dude with zero warning, I might be a touch sore at you for not giving me a heads up. At least send him a picture in case this dude starts showing up at his gigs. Then if he sees him sitting quietly at a back table staring like a creeper he'll have a chance to either confront or avoid the psycho.

Give him a heads up, angsty. It probably will amount to nothing, but he should know what's up.

Now a heads up for you. Does he blame you for introducing her to her "lover" and covering for her "love affair"? Seems to me if he is that much of a paranoid jerk that one picture sends him over the edge, it's a short crazy walk to puting the blame on you. Make sure you are protected and aware too!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2011 11:45AM by jon1.

and is holding a grudge against me for all kinds of imagined crimes. I'm prepared for a confrontation. The one good but weird thing is that he really likes my husband, and even gets shy around him, so that makes me think he'll leave me alone. It's a really weird situation all around.

I'm on the opinion that any man, at any given time, should be under the assumption that he's being stalked by any number of psychos for any number of reasons and never let their guard down.

It's just safer that way.