Posted by:
Tal Bachman
(
)
Date: August 21, 2011 09:39PM
I don't know about anyone else, but one of the attractive things for me about Mormonism was its martial imagery and teachings.
It was not just that I was a member of a church. I was at war with the forces of cosmic darkness. We were surrounded by those doing battle on behalf of Satan - in the media, in the public school system, in the movie industry, in government, in popular music, etc. - and we had to vanquish them. Each small battle won by me, or my kin, was another push toward ultimate victory. And each effort gave us more glory. We were heroes, and heroes under the command of General Jesus.
And not only were I and my church friends and relatives war heroes *now*, but we had a long history of war heroism. Our spirits, after all, had been forged in the fiery furnace of pre-earthly battle somewhere in outer space. Awesome!
That might be the biggest reason I liked my mission. I was at war. Holy war.
Leaving Mormonism meant losing the opportunity to gain heavenly, and earthly, acclaim for martial feats of derring-do. Other people seemed to enjoy the peace. I certainly enjoyed the peace of not having to perform absurd mental gymnastics trying to navigate the grotesque maze of contradictions known as "Mormon doctrine". But I can't say I enjoyed the loss of battle. It had given me a sense of meaning. Who I fought against helped define who I was. As Chris Hedges says in his book, "War is a Force that Gives Us Meaning": "The rush of battle is often a potent and lethal addiction, for war is a drug." Yes...although only in a spiritual way, I knew the feeling.
For those who are not wired - perhaps fortunately, for them - the way I am, and maybe others reading this are, I cannot really think of a way to describe what it's like for your whole being to yearn for intense and righteous battle, and not be able to find any. Paintball's fun, but the stakes aren't nearly high enough. If you get hit, it just stings for a minute. But back during my holy war days, the stakes transcended this earth, and were eternal. I might never see my family again in the afterlife if I messed up. One of my children might suffer eternal, spiritual consequences because I made a misstep as a dad. Maybe if I didn't walk out of the profane movie, General Jesus would mark that down in his giant book, where he was keeping track of everything.. Stressful? I guess. But for all that, still addictive.
Gotta run at the moment; more to come.