http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,295794The Mormon Church teaches us that we are our genitals and are judged mostly by our management of them, including our worth, i.e., licked cupcake but not frosted tongue.
I mean no disrespect in asking this, OP, but do you feel a deep affection, love and appreciation for your wife as a person separate from your sexual connection, her good looks, etc?
If you cannot imagine life without this woman in it, then read on. If not, then cut your losses and get a divorce asap.
OK, since you are still reading, you BOTH have severe problems caused by immaturity (ok) and cult conditioning (not ok). She is just worse than you only because she is still in the cult and still believes their "you are your genitals" bullshit.
You are deluded into thinking that you must not "lie." Honey, you are already lying by omission by not confiding the size of your turds. The Mormon church teaches people to feel guilty constantly about the lying we all do in order to maintain our personal space and the social contract. When you walk by a woman whose boobs are bouncy, do you say out loud, "Would I ever like to have a mouth full of those." Of course not, it is socially unacceptable EVEN THOUGH IT IS THE TRUTH. Men do not choose these thoughts, they are hard-wired that way for the preservation of the species. It is not logical or willed. You do not say that when you are alone, you do not say it when you are with your spouse. So you are in a can't win situation by even thinking that your sexual thoughts should be shared when asked.
The idea that your thoughts are anybody's business but your own is a cult conditioning idea planted by the Morg to erode your individuality. When your wife grills you about masturbation and porn, she is acting like the Church (or worse, your mother). No wonder she isn't seeming that sexy...
Your wife will be putting on weight. Are you going to comment on that honestly, like, "You used to have a waist-- what happened?" Would you agree that would be both stupid and cruel? Men who stay married MANAGE their marriages. Women who stay married MANAGE their marriages. They never say, "You used to be so much harder, honey, what happened?" Part of the grown up marriage contract, between the lines, says, "I will grow old with you and we will not hurt each other unnecessarily over this unavoidable fact. Rather we will support each other."
Since you love your wife and want to keep her, you dump the idea immediately that your sex life inside your head is her business. In marriage there is shared territory and there is private territory. Otherwise, married people would never have unique personalities.
Sexual performance is intensely personal. It is not her territory. It is your completely private territory. You may choose to tell her about select areas, like what turns you on, that you think might excite her. Do not tell her you fantasize about animals (I picked something I'm fairly sure is not true just for an example) because it is a turnoff. Tell her that you need to masturbate because she is so exciting if you did not, you would not last. This is the advice in many sex manuals for young husbands. This is damage control to save your marriage and to save your future children from never being born. Willing to run in a burning building to save them? Keep your private sexual machinery private. If you do not do this, performance anxiety over what you are thinking could drive you to become impotent. Draw the line now while taking the WONDERFUL advice given above on being the best husband ever.
Now about her problems-- she has low self esteem all right because she has been taught that her value was in her virginity. Now that she is not a virgin and you have explored the territory, what would keep you from seeking new virgins to explore. Here are some practical solution to this anxiety, which cannot be resolved completely by reassurances. In addition to compliments on her appearance, save up memories of sexual times together and mention them during sex. What you should be talking about during sex is her body and/or places you have had sex and things you've done that you'd like to do again. This tells her what you are thinking.
When you talk about sex, use the word "fun" a lot, and start speaking woman-language. Women are about clothes, so talking dirty that includes outfits is great for insecure women (because they can always put that outfit on again or buy another one like it, whereas they worry that their XXX isn't so tight anymore, etc.) So instead of saying, "you were so hot and tight that night in Cancun" say, "That was so hot in Cancun when you kept the bikini on and we had sex in the chair." The chair and the bikini are still available.like, didn't we have fun that time in Cancun when we screwed with you still wearing that bikini?
Women are also into mystery. Romance and mystery are linked in women's minds, so saying "I could never figure out what it was exactly you did when you gave me that blow job in Cancun. You have some kind of special gift there, sweetie" is better than "What a hot blow job you gave me...." The first says to her that she has something special and the second says you like blow jobs. "Where did you learn that move? OMG?" is far better than "The kama sutra says the right knee goes over the left knee--was that better for you too?"
ROLE PLAYING. Once she starts relaxing a little, try Role playing. Pirate and captive, Cruella Deville and manservant, Beverly Hills housewife and pool boy, kidnapper and hostage. If this seems silly to you rather than sexy (there's a thin line), you could play the game where for a romantic weekend, she goes into a casino and you role play that you are picking her up at a slot machine and seducing her over dinner, culminating with great sex in the hotel.
SEX TOYS. Be careful with this because in her cult conditioning, she will ask you where they came from (spying for evil). Order the Solutions catalog, which is 99% kitchen, garden, and home accessories (which is why you ordered it- you liked the lawn chairs or ?) and 2% feminine pleasure devices. When it arrives, open it to the sex toy page and tell her you'd like to play around with these--that you think it would be sexy and fun to try. It's ok if she says no at first. You have planted the seed, which is, sex is supposed to be fun, not the Inquisition.
Every one of the good experiences you have become new material for you to make her feel that her sexual expressions, her movements, her utterances are uniquely exciting to you. By doing these things, you are addressing her licked cupcake mentality indirectly. When you are complimenting her on how sexy she looked at that wedding, add in a whisper, "Good thing they don't know what I know or every man there would be in line to dance with you."
Nobody wants to be reduced to just a penis or just a vagina. This is what Mormonism does to us and it is your mission, should you accept it, to show the woman you love that her vagina is just part of the wonderful unique person she is, and is only part of why you adore her.
Good luck
Anagrammy