I'm 18...grew up with a VERY TBM mother... I my sister and I weren't allowed to date until we were 16 and by that time, my mom had moved to Utah to be with her new mormon husband so my sister and I lived with our dad...both of us never dated throughout high school just because we never really knew how I guess? Because we were never allowed to have those experiences in junior high/high school I feel like I'm like, socially retarded with the dating scene now!! It sucks! I never made out with a guy until this year! I feel like I'm so effing behind and I blame it all on mormonism, which made me feel guilty in high school for like, cuddling with guys or kissing guys I wasn't dating...both my sister and I have never been in a real relationship and we were talking about it the other day and decided it all stemmed from our mormon upbringing...both of us are great girls with good heads on our shoulders, we're not weird and ugly or anything haha I just feel like I especially am so behind and am so hesitant to approach guys! I don't know how to bring myself up to speed...I feel like I missed out on SO much by not having that special first kiss in junior high, fooling around with boys in high school (bad as that may sound?) I don't want to be a super frigid girl and I don't want to just go all sexually crazy I'm just having a hard time finding a happy medium...ugggh! STUPID FREAKING MORMONISM! Destroys so many aspects of a life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

You are only 18. Many people wait even longer than you have before they jump into the serious relationship thing. Just be glad you got out of the Church when you did. Many of us stuck around much longer and have this problem at a much older age than 18. You can only move forward from where you are now. That is one thing I have had to come to terms with myself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/20/2011 02:11AM by jackol.

and who can educate you in dating? I hardly dated and was very awkward. I solved my problem by getting married, but I wouldn't recommend that to you :-)

well, if you don't believe in mormonism that's great.

**BUT** now that you realized that nobody is watching you remember that with freedom comes great responsibility.

if you want to have sex go for it. you are a woman now both legally and physiologically. you were sexually repressed as a mormon (i was one of them too) but don't use that as an excuse to make dumb sexual decisions in your life. don't rush anything. take your time. trust me. a LOT of opportunities will come. take some time to get to know yourself first. value yourself.

in other words, think. then act if you think it's what you want and that you are willing to accept your consequences. how was your first time? in a car with random dude? drunk at a party? with your boyfriend who you loved?

My advice is to educate yourself. Read columns by a guy named Dan Savage (google him). Google questions you have about love, sex, and relationships. Ask your nonmormon girlfriends.

I'll tell ya, one of the most helpful things to me was a friendship I developed (in college) with a lovely gay man (who is still my best friend). He was awesome about helping teach me how guys think -- I did not have any brothers, so I had no clue. Hell, he even helped dress me for dates! ("You're wearing THAT? No. Girl, let's go to your closet and find something SEXY!" Then he'd proceed to put together an awesome outfit that looked great on me.) It was also really helpful to learn how to develop a friendship with a man without having the pressure of the whole sex thing looming over my head. Sex is awesome, but totally complicates things. I needed to learn how to be in a relationship (friendships are just another form of relationship) first. So becoming a faghag (a straight woman who hangs out with a lot of gay men) was a really good transition: I could hang out with and develop relationships with all sorts of men in a completely safe way.

Finally, try to get a little perspective. Many nonmos do not dive right into intimate relationships until well after age 18. My current BF lost his virginity at 20 and that is unusual for nonmo guys (even 20 years ago), but not unheard of. My first BF in college was a 19-year-old virgin (not for long though ;>)).

Don't worry about all that. You are still so young, you have plenty of time to sort all this out. You are NOT behind the curve. Most 18-year-olds don't have much of a clue about how to navigate relationships... which is exactly why we here at RfM criticize the church's teachings to get married asap. At your age, you are simply not ready. Focus on making friends and building friendships. Don't look for a boyfriend. Look for new friends, male and female. When it's right, you'll know. And when you Know, that friend will turn into a Friend without you noticing or doing much about it.

it's absolutely necessary to have a "love life" in your younger years.By that I mean a serious sexual relationship. I think that's way to young.

I dated only a few times in high school. I think that's fine.

You're a legal adult, still very young, now is the time to think about your future. No need to be to hasty. You want to make sure that your decisions regarding relationships don't have life time consequences until you are ready for them.

I don't think 18 is an age to make life long decisions. So, my view, is to take it easy, learn what is a comfortable way to date, get to know the opposite sex, and find out what you like and don't like about personalities, etc. What kind of person is compatible with you, etc.

Get your education, and a means to support a relationship if and when it moves into a more serious state.

You're OK. By the time you are 25, I'd expect you to be in a position to be looking at a serious life long commitment.

But that's just me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2011 11:45AM by SusieQ#1.

You're still young, you have a complete love life ahead of you. Get out there, kick ass and take names. Before long you'll have all the love life that you want. Be careful, it's a cruel world when you lose your head.

I didn't kiss a girl until I was 18, didn't get intimate with a girl until I was married (23 or 24) and I didn't get start dating around like a normal person till I was 27.

In other words, it can be overcome.

Make sure and get educated on how men think. I like the idea of finding a safe man like the above poster mentioned came along to her life in the friendship with her gay friend. If your father is super cool and approachable talk to him. If you have a great professor or girlfriend that is trustworthy then talk and build friendships and learn about what is acceptable in social situations and how to have safe friendships with guys.

Don't rush your life....let it come to you as you live it. Be cautious of behavior that does not agree with your emotions and heart......there are a lot of heartbreaking experiences that are out there too.

There are lots of dating advice forums on the web too. Lots of good information to understand dating and the associated sexual issues that come up are discussed frankly and openly.

Mormonism doesn't REALLY screw up your love life until you realize you are married to someone you have zero compatibality with because you married someone who could take you to the temple after being told for years that's all you needed in order to be happily married. And on top of it you have children and no means to support yourself and no belief in the whole silly mormon scheme anymore. And you have to just pretend for the rest of your life that you believe and that you love someone you really don't even like.

Being 18 and never been kissed would be a fun position to be in.

i dont think ur that "behind"
i know a really awesome guy who was never mormon (he's atheist) yet he waited to fall in love to have sex, doesn't "mess around", and is really does think kisses and relationships are special. (and trust me, he's definately not at ALL ugly or weird!)
he's been a really good influence to me.

one thing though, im NOT saying "messing around" is bad and waiting is good, theyre just different opinions. the great thing about not being held down by religious constraint is that you really are free to make your own decisions about those things. the point im trying to make is that you dont have to feel pressured at all. :) you are your own person so take a chance to form your own opinions about your choices. :)

It probably seems like everyone around you is experienced. They aren't. Some, maybe a lot, but not everyone.

Remember, you're not in a race, nor is it such a big deal to not have done anything at 18. Read up on some statistics.

If you want a comparison, it took me until my 30s to actually have any sexual activity with anyone. I'm now in my 40s and will soon be moving in with my boyfriend, and we're very happy together. I don't regret "missing out" or "falling behind". I did things on my time, when I was comfortable, and I'm glad for it.

Give yourself time. Don't rush simply because you think you're behind. You'll find partners who will respect you and with whom you can have mutually fulfilling relationships.

Tyson

I also felt very woefully naive compared to my friends.

Educate yourself. There is a lot that sex ed does not cover, if you got it. If not, start with those basics so that you feel comfortable and know what to expect when the time comes. As has been mentioned, Dan Savage is great, too.

Don't be afraid of being yourself, and don't try to act more experienced then you are. You will find that many people will find you amazing just the way you are(and in fact, many will consider your innocence very sexy in it's own right). Don't rush, find the right person, and take all the time you need. When the time is right, you will know...you just need to make sure that you're educated enough on your end to make good choices and ask the right questions before sex happens.

Good luck!

I understand your feeling about the church messing up your love life. I'm much older than you, and I still have emotional scars from all the heat TSSC puts on young people about morality and sex, and I DID date in high school and did make out with some guys.

I also know that some of my friends/acquaintences didn't start dating until they were 18 or so. They still were able to handle dating (and kissing,etc.) and got married at reasonable ages.

Still, I want you to know I understand your frustration. When I was in YW, we had these presentations called "standards nights" where our leaders lambasted us for at least 2 hours about how evil it was to do anything sexual before marriage and that premarital sex would make us filthy. Once, a woman conducting the lesson stood in front of us, with wide, wild eyes and started shaking her finger at the group, saying "NO PETTING!". If I wouldn't have been so shocked, I think I would've burst out laughing. When I look back on it, I'm surprised her head didn't start spinning around, and that green pea soup didn't start spewing from her mouth. LOL!

Anyway, maybe the best thing is to recognize that, yes, the church goes WAY overboard about sexual stuff, and just because church leaders hold the priesthood, they aren't automatically inspired about what exactly is right or wrong, in the big picture. I do think it's best to not run out and try to remedy the situation by going wild and engaging in risky behaviors. That just sets you up for dangers to your health, safety, and emotional health. But don't fret and assume you won't get the experience in dating that you want and need. Get involved socially. If you're going to college, that's a perfect time to join a club or sorority on campus, or join a student ward, if you're so inclined. Like I said, my 18 year old friends who didn't start dating until college turned out fine and got married in their 20's---everything seemed to work out for them--they were not "damaged" just because they got a later start.

Personally, as one who dated at 16 and fairly frequently, I'm glad I was lucky enough to get asked out, but I think I might have been more mature about the whole dating thing if I would't have started dating until I was about 18. I didn't know myself and was very insecure, and all the brainwashing about morality made me very anxious.

I guess the final word is, get involved in campus/student ward activities, smile and learn to be more approachable to guys, and just use common sense when it comes to getting physically involved when the time comes. Don't get into situations where you could get pregnant or go all the way before you're emotionally mature enough to handle it, if that's your choice. But don't feel guilty about kissing (french included) or hugging, making out or even some touching here and there, as long as it doesn't make you uncomfortable. Like another person said, it's your choice when it comes to romantic/sexual matters.
Just knowing that it's up to you and not some guy in a black suit with a handbook to decide how you handle your love life can make things more comfortable and reasonable.

Use your head, and remember, you're not "over the hill" because your 18! There are plenty of years ahead to hug, kiss and whatever!

Since you are 18, I'm going to guess that you'll be going or are already in college. This is going to be a really good time for you to meet new people, guys in particular. I will warn you (I'm 20 and in a 4-year university) there a lot of guys out there looking just for sex. But there are also a lot of clubs and organizations that you can join to meet people. In clubs the people are generally there because they are interested in it. Find something you like and join. Eventually some friendships will turn into relationships.

Don't feel bad that you only made out with someone until this year. You don't want to look back and regret doing anything with someone just because you didn't want to feel behind. Don't feel guilty for cuddling or kissing guys, that's not bad behavior at all. :)

Girlfriends are awesome people to talk to. They generally look for your best interest, they know you best, your personality, guys you are interested in.

Don't rush jumping into something. You are FAR from behind in your love life. It's a learning process, there are a lot of people older than us who have no idea what they are doing either. Don't feel guilty or that you are doing "a bad thing". Dating is intimidating at first, but once you find someone who likes you back it's like you are hanging out with your best friend. If approaching guys sounds scary, just think about talking to them as friends first. It will make it seem less stressful.

Have fun! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. :)

My advice would be to not worry about it so much. Men are not (generally speaking, lol) complex creatures. Be nice to them and you will find them easy to please and get along with.

In your mind, picture a big, eager golden retriever with a wagging tail. That's your average guy. He feels friendly toward you and would like for you to be his friend in return. He wants to play with you and laugh and have a good time. That doesn't sound too hard, now does it?

So go pick out a big, good-looking dawg. Go up to him, smile, and be friendly. Watch that tail start to wag! ;D

(The key is to focus on making friends. The rest will follow!)

You make my tail wag summer. We should be friends. :)

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My advice would be to not worry about it so much.
> Men are not (generally speaking, lol) complex
> creatures. Be nice to them and you will find them
> easy to please and get along with.
>
> In your mind, picture a big, eager golden
> retriever with a wagging tail. That's your average
> guy. He feels friendly toward you and would like
> for you to be his friend in return. He wants to
> play with you and laugh and have a good time. That
> doesn't sound too hard, now does it?
>
> So go pick out a big, good-looking dawg. Go up to
> him, smile, and be friendly. Watch that tail start
> to wag! ;D
>
> (The key is to focus on making friends. The rest
> will follow!)

Haha this is not bad advice for meeting guys. We are pretty simple when it comes to dating, and you will usually know where you stand rather quickly.

Edit - I wish it was as simple the other way around sometimes. :-P



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2011 10:40PM by jackol.

I'm trying to think of a refutation of summer's cogent description of the emotional complexity of my gender.

I'm having a little trouble.

Woof!

I didn't read that as an insult at all; please don't take it that way.

I smiled when I read that, because a guy who is into you acts exactly like that: like a big, sweet, friendly, tail-wagging puppydog. And what makes puppydogs happy? Feed 'em, scritch 'em, and toss 'em a stick now and then. Pretty much works the same way with men.

AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I love me some puppydogs/mens. ;>) Why do you think I'm "Dogzilla"?

Hahaha I love you guys. Seriously. Best advice ever. From all of you...it means a lot to me...I really appreciate everyone who took the time to write some wise words down because it has given me a lot to think about and it's nice coming from people with different perspectives. Most girls turn to their mom for dating advice- my mom is a psycho TMB who abandoned me so she could move to Utah...nice eh? But all is well, because you can always depend on the kindness of strangers...I feel better about myself already. Again, thanks to all of you- I value all of your replies! A few gave me a really good laugh too=)

/raises hand

I'm in the exact same situation as the OP, but I'm going through it at 31 instead of 18. It would be nice to go back to 18 knowing what I know now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/22/2011 12:41AM by jackol.

That was a huge wake-up call...I never realized how good I have it, being only 18...I should be greatful I'm not realizing all this after being married or anything! Thanks for helping me see that, I definitely won't be taking any of this for granted!

When I was 18, I was my own best lover... oh, wait, or was it 38...48? ;)

Ron