I am a mother of five, I am achievement days coordinator as well. My husband and I have always struggled with parts of the church, word of wisdom, priesthood abuse from my father to name a few. A few years ago out occurred to me that every sunday at some point I would burst into tears from Sunday stress. Getting five girls ready and preparing a lesson was hard and unfulfilling. And I also felt like I was missing a day of quality time with my family.. Church is NOT quality time, when you're nagging kids to sit still, and then trying to teach a bunch of little kidss about jesus (ahhhhh) to make a long story short, we have decided to leave the church. The hard part of course is our family. Grandma has been hounding us for years to go to the temple. we love our gma. My mom is very faithful and I'm afraid I would lose her and I hate to make her cry. The other hard part for us is our kids, some of them love going to church and my seven year old daughter is looking forward to being baptized next year like her big sis.,
I would love some advice from someone who has a situation similar to mine, elementary school kids, current calling, and I actually like most of the members of my ward including the bishopric. I really don't want to insult anyone. I'm just done with this stressful chapter of my life. And to be clear im not just leaving because its too stressful, I also have difficulty swallowing the lies and JS cover stories. And I do not want my girls to be raised to think they need to marry a return missionary in the temple when they are of child bearing age. P.s. I am on my android phone and am totally aware of the many typos in this post... Don't worry I'm not a dummy :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2011 04:07PM by princessbelieve.

You gotta do what is best for you, not for grandma or your mother.

Good luck. Bite the bullet and go ahead. You have your husband and your kids.

We are not all so lucky.

is no life for you.

You should take a break from Church and put your family first and see how you feel with some perspective on the situation.

Do not feel the need to counsle with the Bishop or others, they will give you the pat answers of just keep coming, paying tithe and working on your callings and you'll be happy. A promise they can't keep and one you have discovered isn't true.

You've done it their way for a long while (you've given there program every chanch to work, now is the time to try it your way.

I'm glad you discovered the BS too, because now you don't even have to feel guilty about it! :)

To the younger ones, God made snow, so let's play in it! Sundays exploring trails, having picnics or hunkering down at home with parents. Sundays will leave lasting great memories for them far outlasting whatever guilt will be thrown at them. Your tough bit will be firm in hanging up the phone, not allowing children to open the door (EVER) and being firm with older ones. They are socialized, now. They can choose, however, if they missed out on a mellow Sunday at home or playing outside, that is their choice.

They can find their own ride to "Seminary"

It really is about family (You and yours). Nobody gets to highjack that, but I'm afraid you're in for a ride.

Why not check out another church? Mainstream christian churches have one hour services and dont suck your time the way the morg does.

Good idea, then instead of teaching your kids to marry a returned missionary you can teach them that they're evil and there's nothing they can do to fix themselves except to appeal to a flying jewish zombie for help.

Be sure they listen to the part about how a woman is responsible for all misery in life and that's why childbirth hurts so much.

And in case they don't pound it in hard enough in that one hour, don't forget to remind them that if they don't gamble on the right god they could be tortured for the rest of eternity.

You can't win if you don't play! :)

Hi Princess. When I announced my unbelief, I went through a few months of concern and discomfort from my family. Honestly, it isn't easy, but it does get better with time. You don't have to be a jerk about leaving. Just let your family know that Mormonism doesn't work for you. You're an adult, and so is your husband. It's OK for you to make decisions like this. You are passed the "age of accountability", so you have the right to "exercise your free agency". You really are lucky that your husband supports you. Your kids will adapt to non-Mormon life fairly easily. But if they choose to keep going and be life-long TBMs, that's their choice too. Just love them and accept them as you want your mother and grandmother to love and accept you. Good luck.

you're looking at (unfortunately) More discord in the future, either that you 'impose' on yourself by being 'active', with the feelings & knowledge you have...'Cognitive Dissonance', or,
from relatives...

good side of this is that you're not deceiving yourselves any longer.

my opinion: 'Faith' / beliefs are an INDIVIDUAL matter; don't force - bully - impose yours on Anyone! Give family members the RESPECT & TRUST they deserve! Most will eventually resent it otherwise anyway!

you're always welcome here; in ChurchCo, only 'strict believers' (TO WHAT???) are Welcome; any who ask significant questions are personna non grata!

Acknowledging your Power to Order YOUE OWN LIFE is a bit challenging at first, but later it's (old airline advertising slogan) 'The ONLY WAY TO FLY'!

There's a possibility that others will react as if you offended them, or were incredibly rude.

That's part of the cultlike aspects of the church.

So, it's better to know that even though you may leave as gently as you can, other people may still get completely bent out of shape over it.

Good luck.

It's hard to hurt your parents/grand parents, but they'll have to learn how to be adults and let their adult children/grand children make their own decisions in life.

I agree with Raptor. Before I even knew any of the history of the church I saw how draining the church was on my family. My children were my inspiration for leaving. I have three girls myself and as my oldest approach YM I started to have flashbacks on my youth. She is a very smart girl and had a lot of great questions about the church and couldn't make sense of any of the answers because let's face it they don't make any sense. I noticed the same thing you did-the church was not making my life any happier-it was only taking from it. My husband and I left and it hasn't been easy because as Raptor said most will find some offense to you leaving no matter what you say or how you do it.
One of my kids was due to get baptized a couple of months before we left. We just promised her that she could still have a big 8th birthday bash. Her older siblings actually really helped her because they told her honestly how they didn't feel anything and it wasn't fun at all. I told her we could do anything she wanted and would you believe she chose to bob for apples? She was excited for weeks to bob for apples instead of getting baptized. The older kids made her feel extra special by complaining that they didn't get to choose between bobbing for apples or getting baptized. She loved it and we had about 700 times more fun bobbing for apples with family than going to baptism.
I realized more and more that the reason I was leaving was for my kids. Sure primary may be fun for awhile but think about how you are brainwashing your kids. My kids were actually really relieved when we told them we were out because everything makes a lot more sense to them now.
History aside, I really really can not be a part of an organization that drains families with promises that can't be kept. Give your kids freedom! The Grandmas aren't happy with us but they actually are even more attentive to my kids because they see them as victims of apostate parents. Good luck!

If your child wants to be baptized in a true Christian church, attend a non-denominational one such as The Cove. The kids love it and it is uplifting, not causing you oppression, depression, and suppression into a cult.

Seriously, kolobian, only the fundies dare to go there anymore. I didn't even hear this decades ago.

Ok sorry. I meant to say "Except for the whole 'you won't be allowed into heaven or might possibly be annihilated from existence if you don't believe in said flying jewish zombie which will be a hell of your own making inside your eternal soul forever and ever without end which is symbolically represented by burning in a lake of fire.'"

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2011 10:30PM by summer.

It sounds to me like you need to work on your antimony. I'd recommend mormonthink.org. There is so much more beyong that too. Once you've taught your children how to think rationally, I don't think they'd have a hard time stepping away. But so long as they really want to go I wouldn't stop that either. Just teach them the truth.

Losing the affection of other family members who are still in is pretty much inevitable. They're going to keep asking about things like the temple, and you aren't going to be able to be honest and hide your falling away at the same time. I fully recommend the authentic lifestyle. It sucks at first, but will be worth it much sooner than you may think. The fact that you'll be leaving all 7 at once is already far easier than my situation, and I think it's very much worth it for me.

Five girls?! Holy heck, I have three girl's and that's hard enough :o). I agree to finding another spiritual outlet for your family. If you need religious organization in your lives, try out different churches until you find one that fits. Or as suggested previously, discover your own version of church and worship the day spending quality time with your family. We're not Mormon but Sunday's are a HUGE family day for the five of us. In Utah it's a great day to beat the crowds and play, play, play!

Yes three girls was hard enough for me! The last two were a bit of a surprise to be honest, I did not have five kids to fit into the mormon church better lol :) anyways today I asked my seven year old what her favorite part of church is (she is the one that loves to go) and she told me it was singing time (duh) so I asked her if we had singing time at home instead of going to church if that would be ok and she was stoked!i think we will do that until, and if, we find another church. We are considering visiting a methodist and lutheran church for starters. My husband and I are totally on the same page, I feel very lucky for that.

Do they have a community youth choir where you live? If she wants to sing, give her the opportunity to really sing.

First, decide if you can complete the term of your calling. Is it possible to stick with it until that responsibility is satisfied? Is there a way to gradually back off? Going every other Sunday? I think you should fill your now free Sundays with really fun, memorable family activities so the girls don't feel like they are missing out. Do they have close friends at church? Have them cultivate non-church friendships. Is there branch of MOPS near you? They are a faith based national organization for mothers of preschoolers. They are nice young church ladies who welcome all faiths.

As others have said, most churches have really fun Sunday School programs. If you feel a spiritual need, check some of those out. On hour on Sundays or even a Saturday night!

The most important relationships in your life are with your husband and your own children. All others are secondary.

I already feel so liberated having only decided in my heart that we are done. I still hold my calling, and I think I will continue with it until we move, Yes, MOVE :) here is the beauty of the situation,we currently live in the small mormon town of snowflake az but we are moving away in just a few short months, back to the city where my husband has been working away from us for two weeks at a time. We will get to start over and have our daddy back, though I will be close to my sister and other relatives we will be moving away from our ward so it will be super easy to just not go when we relocate! i won't have to be judged by a whole ward for leaving because none of them will really know, or if they do at least I won't have to see them. we haven't really broken the news to our kids but I think they will be happy once they realize that mom isn't going to be mean and yell and cry every week and we will get to do something fun like go to the movies or the park. This is so great, we are so excited to turn over a new leaf. I am so happy to have my dear husband on my side, I realize how blessed I am to have Such a good man at my side. And he is truly a good guy :) thx for all the advice, I feel elated! Better than I've felt in a long time!

What if you take a break from church for a few weeks or months....resign from your callings and do family things on Sunday. I'm betting that your 7 year old might get over the desire to be baptized and then you can decide as a family if you really miss the Sunday stress.

You will be amazed how wonderful it is to have your weekends back. Mormons do NOT have a weekend. They have a day to get everything ready for Sunday and then they have a day that most of them secretly hate.

Do it now. You've got this big bright dazzling thing shining before you--it's called your future. Hook up with it while it's still bright.

Waiting around, letting your children get in deeper,building resentment, losing all the good family time.... Well, those things are just the dimmer switch going slowly down, down, down.

If you an your husband are of one mind you've got it all.

Embrace the storm from the relatives that is to come. Behind all the histrionics there is a good laugh if you get grounded and keep your perspective. You are not responsible for your relative's happiness. It would be presumptuous to think you were.

The really difficult things you face will slowly turn into great stories over cocktails with time.

Hello. If you are thinking of leaving, I'd leave now before your kids get much older. Be prepared though for your family to be shunned, outright hated, mistreated, bad-mouthed, ignored, glared at, etc. It will be hell and you will need to be strong. I tell ya though, once you get away from it you will be so grateful! Guilt-free, less stressed! Your family will be closer doing activites on Sunday rather than having complete nonsense burned onto their innocent brains. Good luck!!!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2011 10:04PM by matt.

Resign from your callings and get the heck out of there! Any voluntary activity that causes you to cry *every single week* is not worthy of your time!

I would urge you to take a lot of time off -- at least a year. Rest, regroup, and enjoy your family on Sundays. If anyone asks, just tell them what you told us -- that the church made you too stressed, that it made you cry, and that you need a good, long break from it. Let them have time to adjust to that.

If, after a good long rest, you feel that you would still like some spirituality in your life, you might consider investigating other churches. The UU's are very relaxed and easy-going. I'm sure that there are other low-key churches out there as well. Most other services are about an hour, and you won't be asked to volunteer unless you really, really want to. No one checks off if you come every week or not. You can visit for as long as you want without even joining. If nothing else, take your family to a Christmas eve service this year. I think that you'll really like it!

We're all in your corner. Keep your head up. You're doing the right thing. Let us know how it goes.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2011 10:31PM by summer.

when i was about 8 my family spent a summer in snowflake.
Us kids would sit on the propane tank outside of the Dew Drop Inn and watch the drunks come out. We were so easily entertained back then.

Wow, we were in your same boat 3 years ago. We went on 'tour' if you will. We attended several churchs and even several different methodist churches. What we looked for was a great youth group because of the kids' ages. We had discussions with the kids after every service for feedback. It's important to include them or it was for us.

Are there stressful days getting ready? Sometimes, but those stressful days are there for getting ready for school as well. The difference is that well into the 90th percentile of time, we all have an enjoyable day at church now.

Remember as well. You may feel ackward at other services at first. In the Methodist church, they actually clap (gasp) after a good choir or soloist song. They may recite a prayer outloud in unison.

Best of luck.

priceless moments will be a reinforcement and "testimony" to you that you did the right thing. Seriously, your Sunday will now be extremely peaceful. Try it, just once. You'll immediately see that you have been missing out on some true quality time. Don't let TSCC take these precious moments from you anymore. These kids grow up so fast. Every possible moment is precious.

I am a mother of five (really had 6 kids in less than 8 years), was primary president, went to the temple, tried to be perfect, .... got depressed ...tried harder to be perfect. You get the drift? It didn't work for us after many years either. We wanted our children to have "free agency" in all the important things and the not so important things, i.e. color of their shirt. It absolutely was not easy to leave friends and family and have them think we are crazy, but it was totally worth the heartbreak. We are happy and enjoy life everyday. Our children have grown to be great adults with spouses and children without the restrictions and nonsense we dished out. Take the leap. You will not regret it.

Yes, time for a break. And please don't tell your family you do not believe. No need to crush them. I've found that it really doesn't matter if the church is true.

Even if it is true, but you hate it, why condemn yourself to eternal misery by being worthy for the CK?

Even exmos get hung up on true vs false. Spend the rest of their life trying to convert TBMs.

Forget the other churches. I tried that and decided to make my own.

If you are asked why you left, just explain what you like and don't like. Explain you like to relax on Sunday. You like family. You like to enjoy your talents.

If you're told you must like going to church, tell them you really don't look forward to polygamy. You don't like having to prepare lessons. You don't really like the celestial kingdom, etc. Inwardly, they'll agree with you.

Personally, I'm a terrestrial guy. Supposedly there you can't be with family, but that doctrine will change just like others have. Surely those in their CK mansions on the hill can come visit.

My children and I left together, too. I used to get that drained, hopeless, depressed feeling, too. Often, I would be physically sick, and have to go to bed on Sundays. Performing on the organ, then running to the piano to accompany the choir or the musical performances, plus rehearsing for everything, plus preparing and teaching Sunday School--I was a wreck. I worked full-time at a demanding career, and I was a single mother, but I was never that tired or discouraged during the week. After we left, I had enough energy to go skiing with the kids on Sundays!

You need to think about this, too--there is probably something else wrong, besides just frazzled exhaustion. The tiredness is just a symptom. In my case, I did not like the music at all. They had a rule that only Mormon-written music and Mormon hymns could be played at church. I used to love Bach, Mozart, and the lovely traditional Christian organ music. The hymns and Primary songs had brainwashing texts that upset me, such as "I hope they call me on a mission," and Follow the prophet."

What was really bothering me was that I did not believe in Joseph Smith or the temple! Furthermore, I was forcing my children into this false religion. I wanted to live an authentic life. Putting on a front became too exhausting.

I advise you to leave now. Stress, and the cortisol your stressed body produces, is very bad for you! Cortisol makes you gain weight like crazy. Leaving the church will be traumatic, because the Mormons will make sure it is traumatic for you. Get this stress over with, before you go through the stress of moving! Your children will be free to adjust to new schools and make new friends, when their old Mormon ties are already taken care of. Tell your family and the people in your new location, before you arrive, that you have left Mormonism. This will give them time to adjust, also. I lingered way too long, and I regret that. They wanted me to find a substitute...then they wanted me to teach two substitutes to play the organ, etc... Rip it off, like a band-aid.

As soon as you leave, the Mormons will show their true colors. It might be a little painful for your children--but they need to know that leaving was the right thing to do. You will experience true cult behavior, first hand. The Mormons do not let you leave! Normal churches just let you walk out the door, and go live your life. You will have to "take your leave."

Do not accept any blame! Don't tell people you are too tired or overloaded. The blame lies in a group that is way too demanding, that lies to its members, and even threatens its members. It is them, not you! If you don't believe, why not just tell them you don't believe? You don't need to tell them any details--they won't want to know--and debating the issues makes them upset. I didn't read anything "anti-Mormon" until after I went inactive. It was the Mormon's own nonsensical teachings and history that made me leave.

Don't mention how unhappy you are in the church, because that will hurt their feelings. Plus, they will be able to accuse you of being "offended."

You have a happy life ahead of you! You just need to clear the path a bit.

Congratulations!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/10/2011 02:55AM by forestpal.