Posted by:
AltaRica
(
)
Date: November 09, 2011 07:29PM
I hate to sound so dramatic, but today is one of those days I really feel the crushing weight of what seems like an existential crisis.
The year and a half before my mission was truly the happiest time in my life. I loved my singles wards. I felt like I had totally shed my dorky, socially-inept persona that haunted me all of my childhood and teenage years. I was living in a new place, and through the singles ward scene I had a great community of friends that always kept me busy having fun.
TSCC became my life. I was very diligent about praying and reading my scriptures. I went to just about every church activity I could (FHE, ward prayer, firesides, etc.). I spent a lot of time reading articles on fairlds.org. I spent several months "repenting" of my problems with "P&M" (you know what I'm talking about). I made the decision to take a semester off so I could work to save up for a mission.
I couldn't have gone on a mission for better reasons. I was not pressured to go by anyone. I REALLY wanted to go. I thought there couldn't be anything better I could do in my youth than take two years to share with other people what had brought me so much happiness in my life.
From the time I was in the MTC to about a year after my mission, the whole thing slowly and painfully unraveled. Just like Kolobian, I would compare my return from my mission to the return of a disillusioned soldier who doubts the cause he was fighting for.
Somehow my mission f***ed up my social life. I don't know if it's just the reality that people forget you and move on with their lives during your two year absence, or if having to be a missionary ruined the way I was already able to relate with other people, or if my disillusioned self didn't radiate the friendliness it did before. It also didn't help that I was back living with my parents and my singles ward sucked.
It's not like I don't have ANY friends, but I don't feel like there's anyone I can really share EVERYTHING with (especially my loss of belief in TSCC). It feels like finding people to do stuff with (let alone building a social life outside of TSCC) is a herculean task. Why the hell do so many people never text or e-mail me back?
I just feel so empty right now. A lot of posters here on RfM suggest that people in my situation find a hobby group to get involved with in order to meet new people. Frankly, I don't really have any hobbies. I've never been into any sports, or cars, or hunting/fishing, etc., etc. Since I've graduated from high school, my life has been filled with working crappy jobs, going to college, and wasting time in TSCC.
I have to remind myself that things will get better, but right now it's just painful being 24 and feeling like I'm trying to build so much of my life from scratch.
*end of venting*