All throughout my childhood, I was abused in many forms by the idiot men who my mom clung to and thought she loved. I was also victimized by a boy that posed to be my brother's friend to get into the house. So many things...I became afraid of men. I was always paranoid when they looked at me, thinking they all had other things in mind. By the time we had ran away from my mom's latest disaster boyfriend (and his touching of me and threatening to kick my ass if I opposed him) and into a small Mormon community, I was messed up.

And when two young men in suit and tie showed up at my house one day, wanting to talk, I nearly had a heart attack. Luckily, they would only come in if my older brother was around. They were nice, kind...though wary of them, I was very weak. Tired of what I had been through just through the first fifteen years of my life. They caught me up into their magical world.

I remember flinching as one of the brothers got ready to dunk me. But I got over that. What really got to me, though, was my first Bishops meeting. I remember how my heart pounded and shivers went down my spine as he closed the door behind me. I was a poor, timid girl that sat down in that seat. The bishop was a good man, but I was afraid of the closed door.

"Why does the door have to be closed?" I had asked.
The bishop smiled at me. "It's for privacy."

Dear god. I didn't like it. I grew even more uncomfortable at the questions he asked me. Adultery, masterbation...the hell?! I answered no stiffly. What was this? I left that meeting feeling very violated. Every time I was called in to the Bishop, I left feeling more and more like a lowly creature. 'Do you have a testimony yet?' 'Ive noticed you don't participate much in class, why?'

Was the Bishop supposed to be the father I didn't have? He butted into my personal life, critiqued me, told me how I ought to be living my life. Then there were the YW leaders. The same thing. They'd pull me aside, act concerned. My mom was an innactive mormon, and they felt like they needed to take over my life. I was told my mother would go to Hell, and that I needed to accept that if she kept ignoring the church and sinning. She wouldn't be able to see me get married, and this and that and this...

The only thing that kept me in the fold was fear. Above all else, I was taught to fear God.

I'm happy to say things are better now. I resigned from the church this past August, and I'm much different from the scared little girl that joined the church seven years ago. My fear of men has greatly reduced, though I have had no counseling. I found my own strength and have finally began to live.

But I'll never forget what was discussed behind those closed doors. I can't believe they do that...they put that chocker and leash on ya asap and keep it tight with fear. And controlling ways. I'm glad I NEVER have to walk into an LDS church again...

Happy Thanksgiving!

You are indeed a survivor.

I'm so sorry you had to endure such abuse :( I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you repeatedly being victimized year after year. Saying I'm sorry for what you experienced is so inadequate! You have every right to feel the way you do about men. I don't know how anyone could truly recover from such horrible abuse. You will always carry physical, mental, and emotional scars from the trauma for the rest of your life. No one deserves that kind of pain, especially a child.

Just remember this. KARMA IS A BITCH. I can absolutely guarantee you that each and every one of those sick twisted perverted freaks will pay for what they did to you, even if you're not around to see it when it happens. Karma is the Lady Liberty that fixes life's injustices. The church God with
I grew up mistrusting men. I don't know why. One Sunday during Fast and Testimony meeting I poured my heart out in gratitude that I knew that even though I had a hard time trusting men I could have complete trust in our Father in heaven and the Savior. I still believe the same way today even after recently resigning from the church. After the Sacrament meeting one of the husbands of a friend of mine came up to me and in an apparent attempt at a joke said to me words to the effect of "So you can't trust men, huh?" I silently thought to myself "you just proved my point." How insensitive! Not to bash men, but they can be extremely obtuse and insensitive at times, among other things. I don't think they fully comprehend how much their actions affect the members of the church. In my immediate family, I resigned and three of my children no longer believe in the Mormon church due to the actions of my soon to be ex husband and a bishop we had a few years ago. They may be well meaning, but in a case such as yours as soon as the bishop noticed your apprehension he should of given you the choice to have the door open or closed. Privacy??? Warning flags going up! Why does a stranger need to know the private details of my life unless I feel the need to tell them about it?!!! Of course it took me 40 years and countless "confessions" before I figured this out.

You're certainly right about the inappropriateness of the closed door and most especially the personal and private nature of the questions they ask.

My heart goes out to you for the pain and suffering you've experienced in your home and from those bishop's interviews, which are very inappropriate. Why is it that many lds church leaders, and other members for that manner, cannot read when someone is uncomfortable, like in the case of you being timid and obviously objected the door being closed.

You're a survivor, I'm glad you are recovering and moving on with your life. You're young and can look ahead to a much better and happier future.

All the best,

D

Weren't they suppose to be listening for the Spirit? God would have noticed my obvious discomfort and sent his little whisper- me-this messenger to the bishop, right? I remember always being confused about it and wondered if God wanted me to be so uncomfortable because I wasn't faithful enough.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm doing soooo much better without Mormonism.

I am very saddened to read your story. I am so very sorry you had to go through this. I am very very upset with the mormon church leaders--there is no excuse for this. It is just a joke.

I hope you find great happiness in your life--you deserve it

Thank you, very much. It's still a ways away to go to get there, but leaving the church was the start to my happiness.