Posted by:
robertb
(
)
Date: November 15, 2010 10:25PM
You might try building a real-life non-Mormon support system. Such a support system might consist of pursuing some personal interests that involve you with other people and friendships. At the same time take small steps away from the church at a pace that won't set off alarm bells for your wife, if that is possible.
Ultimatums are a low blow and I state I don't accept them, although I am willing to work out reasonable compromises. One approach you might take with the ultimatums come from marriage researcher John Gottman, who writes about working with "gridlock"--essentially intractable issues.
Irony of ironies, a BYU website describes the process pretty well. Perhaps you could share it with your wife:
http://realfamiliesrealanswers.org/?page_id=54You can read more fully about the process in Gottman's Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. You can get it in paper or electronically at Barnes & Noble or Amazon.
I also recently posted a paper on exmormon/mormon marriage that might be helpful. Here's the link:
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,34491,34795#msg-34795I was given the ultimatum you received myself. My compromise was to tell my wife I would give the church another year, but if I felt the same after that time, I would be leaving. The year passed and I left and then she did. We divorced 5 years later, in part because the church was the glue that held us together, but for other important reasons as well. We had four children and I raised them. It was painful and difficult but worked out better for me because being a Mormon was not good for me. Like you I was convert and I didn't fit. I outgrew it and staying made me terribly depressed. Leaving didn't resolve all my problems by any means, but I didn't have that false life to try to live.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/15/2010 10:27PM by robertb.