I recently moved to Provo to attend BYU about 6 months ago. I began to have doubts about 2 years ago when I researched the history of the church. I felt guilty for doing so and quickly pushed the info and feelings of uncertainty aside. Well, they are back now and I don't know what to do. The majority of my friends are Mo and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what I'm going through. I know I'll be judged. However, i feel like it is not their fault, the church has conditioned them to judge others who question or doubt the faith.
I have to go to BYU everyday and 'pretend' to believe the same as every other prideful student.
I feel like I finally see light and truth in my life and this scares me because it is opposite of everything i have been taught since birth.
Thanks to everyone for your courage to leave and for your encouraging posts. I have been reading this recovery board for awhile now and finally decided to join.
Glad I have found an outlet and support group :)

Welcome, and good luck on your journey. Just remember, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

Welcome and congratulations on figuring out the truth! We have a daughter who graduated from BYU about a year and a half ago. She had serious doubts the last two years there. Another one of our BYU grad daughters is out too. Lots of good stuff ahead for you!
There are others like you at BYU and finding them can be a little tricky but feel free to dump any baggage you want here anytime!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2011 08:37PM by latterdayslave.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2011 08:38PM by latterdayslave.

you are so LUCKY to have a resource like this! and the internet.

I can only wish that I had accumulated enough information and light of truth to allow me to escape the abyss of LDS BS /MORmONISM at the tender age that you have managed to do it. Instead I wasted the prime of my adult life as a slave to the LDS corp.

I can tell you this MORmONISM is a lie, that will NEVER make sense in the context that it insists is reality.

best wishes in having a real life of your own!

Hooray! I agree with Steve, THIS is not the "dark side" as the church would have you believe, it is truly the Light Side! I hope my younger sister goes the same route as you, she just got accepted to YBU Idaho.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2011 08:27PM by AtheistMarine.

Kudos to you! For me it was Ricks College 81-84. You are on your way to a much better life.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2011 08:35PM by latterdayslave.

I am new here too, and this is my first post :) Nice to meet you.

I felt compelled to respond to this post because I find myself in a very similar situation. I chose not to go to BYU (I'm currently going to a state college which my family believes to be Sin City) but I have had serious doubts about the church for years as well and I'm having a hard time getting rid of the brainwashing. It took me at least 10 years to even accept the fact that I wanted to leave the church!

I also feel like I have to "pretend" around all of my Mormon friends. They are all wonderful people, and I'm sure they won't outwardly judge me if I told them how I felt, but I feel like a part of our friendship will die and it'll no longer be the same. I feel terrible for having to "deceive" them, because they really are good people, but I do not really know what else to do.

I hope that we can talk more and share our frustrations, and someday be able to fully free ourselves from the brainwashing.

Nice to meet you too fiend. Good for you for not falling into the trap of going to BYU. I wish I had gone somewhere else, I am too far into my degree now though and I have a scholarship here, so realistically, it wouldn't be wise to transfer anywhere else at this point.
I do not use campus computers. Just my own so I think I'll be safe :) I don't share my exmo opinions with anybody. Especially not at school. I have to play along till I finish school. Did any of you just feel like because of your label and position in the church, that there was just no way to be open about your true feelings afraid of hurting or letting down others? That is probably one of my greatest fears. Letting others down. And like you said fiend, the inevitability of losing part of your relationships with others.

Trust me, before I wound up going to the local community college (I'm transferring to the state college next month) my family pitched a fit about me going to BYU. I got screamed at until I submitted an application. I got in, but lied and said that I didn't. Even though I want to leave the church, I am really scared that I'll lose my Mormon friends. I can only hope that they'll still accept me, but I guess I'll just have to see how everything turns out...

Be careful about where you surf apostate/exmo sites. School computers are monitored.

Any chance that you can transfer to another university? Whatever you do, be sure to keep the focus on your education, and graduate. You will thank yourself later for that.

Thanks guys. I wish I could find other BYU students who felt the same as me. I feel so trapped. The guy I have been dating recently is great, but of course LOVES the church and attending the temple. I am a recent RM & I have a current temple recommend but I REFUSE to go bow my head and say yes anymore... it is such a dark and scary place for me now! I really like this guy but I feel like I can't open up to him completely because he wouldn't want to date me if he found out I don't believe anymore....
I wish I could just shake all these poor BYU students & let them know the truth! But no, I have to sit in the corner quietly for the next year so I can get my degree. It's killing me.

One year is nothing. You can do it! After that...freedom.

Are you considering grad school? Or will you be in the hunt for a job and an apartment?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2011 08:43PM by summer.

Apparently there is an underground group of doubters at byu (it made the news recently).

Personally, I would worry about the group being infiltrated...so be careful who you trust.

Like summer said in a year you can do whatever the hell you want.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2011 08:47PM by archytas.

My daughter is in the same position as you but at byu-h. She thought her jack-mo boyfriend would understand...NOT!

Its a tough call--pick a nevermo and they don't understand you, pick a Jack and they bug you, pick a tbm and they bug you.

There are others out there that get it, you will just need to look harder.

And now my BYU advice: Don't take any religion classes until you absolutely have to. Those credits won't transfer if you ever decide to do that. Take them last.

at BYU. Here it's fine, but just be carefull that no one is reading over your shoulder.

I am a nonbeliever at BYU as well! I would LOVE to chat with you and possibly meet up at some point. I have another friend who is a BYU apostate...I met him on here as well. Please feel free to e-mail me. My e-mail is ymountain25@yahoo.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

I am also a non-believer at the Y. If you ever feel like chatting, hit me up at anonrfmposter@gmail.com. If you are worried that I am from the honor code office, don't be. Ymountain thought the exact same thing before we finally met up. :) I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Dapper Dan

Be very careful about e-mail. It might be best to talk to Susan first.

I would love to talk to you both YMountain & Dan....but yeah, I'm just trying to take all precautions. This is all new & a little scary for me.
You are right, a year is nothing. I am planning on grad school just not immediately after graduating. And it will definitely be somewhere outside of Utah.
Sorry to hear about your daughter,
But it's true. I feel like what's the point in dating here in provo. It would all be fake on my part. And of course I have this preoccupation with marriage from all the brainwashing. I just don't know who I could ever end up with. I always thought I wanted a righteous RM priesthood holder that would take me to the temple....now, that is just the opposite! But there are no nevermo's here for me to date....
Life would just be so much simpler if I went along with the cult I've always known...
But no,
I refuse.
No more damage will be done!

We both completely understand! DapperDan and I were both very hesitant to actually meet each other in person...we e-mailed back and forth for about a week before we actually met up on campus. And that was three months ago! It's great to have people who understand you...you have both of our e-mail addresses! :)

if they are too vocal or if their non-belief is an issue. Be sure your computer is safe.

If all this fear and concern for being monitored and spied upon doesn't scream "cult", I don't know what does.

Or maybe some communist block... Or 1984!

...about Mormonism being a cult, just read the posts on this page. It is a scary thought that people have to be so secretive in the 21th Century.

Dammit, all these non-believers at BYU. Are there ANY non-believers at BYU-Idaho? I swear, it's like I was the only one.

I was so alone ::sniff sniff::

Oh and, original poster (OP), I love you. Just for you being you. You impress me. Really. Tough journey I know. I went through the same thing at BYU-Idaho, totally alone in my journey for a year and a half, forced to live a lie. Now that I'm free, it's better, but I had to really reconstruct my thoughts and opinions on different things.

Take it slow, but be proud.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/29/2011 11:05PM by greekgod.