I just followed the link to the online patriarchal blessing and entered in the fake name of Jerry. This is God's "special" blessing for Jerry that came back in less then a second.

HE GAVE JERRY THE POWER TO RAISE THE DEAD!!!!

Brother Jerry. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the authority of the holy Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold and acting in my office and calling as patriarch, I lay my hands upon you head and pronounce a patriarchal blessing.
Brother Jerry I bless you with the power to overcome all the temptations of the evil one through your knowledge of the scriptures. Study them daily.
You shall be keenly aware of the dangers that will befall your children and know of their needs at the appropriate times. You shall be alert and be warned in advance of the trials and temptations that will confront them.
Brother Jerry I bless you with the power to overcome all the temptations of the evil one through your knowledge of the scriptures. Study them daily.
I bless you Brother Jerry with the spirit of Elijah to instill into your heart the desire to seek after your loved ones who have you birth and that you will strive diligently to become a Savior for them in the holy Temple of the Lord and there with your eternal companion be able to liberate them from the powers of Satan.
I bless you that you will have healing hands. As they are laid upon the head of those who are ill,they will recover. You will be able to bless them with strength, even to raise them from the bed of affliction to carry out their callings here upon the Earth. If need be you will have the power to raise loved ones from the dead.
I bless you that you always will have a thankful heart and mind and love for the interest of your family, especially your mother, and that you will bring joy to her through your righteous living, bring joy to her and those that love you knowing that you are a follower of Christ, that you exemplify the teachings of Christ in all you do, think and say.
Yours will be the great and beautiful experience to keep yourself unspotted by the world. Your plain exterior hides a beautiful spirit. Keep yourself virtuous and clean before man and before God and you will be rewarded - perhaps not in this life but almost certainly in another one.
I bless you with good friends always. Love them for they will be a great source of strength and comfort in times of need. Choose them wisely and do not associate with those who would teach you error or drag you down to the very depths of hell.
Call upon Him to give you guidance and direction. Seek direction from Heavenly Father and then, through the power of the Holy Ghost, He will enlighten your mind as to the direction and the paths that you should follow.
These blessings are yours, according to your faithfulness, and I pronounce them upon you through my calling as a patriarch, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.


LOLZ. Sounds a lot like my real patriarchal blessing. Hmmm.

I've felt for a long time that these are written like horoscopes; you can apply it to yourself if you really want it to.

fiend Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I've felt for a long time that these are written
> like horoscopes; you can apply it to yourself if
> you really want it to.

Yup. The only personal details in mine are things I told him in the interview before hand. Not even a good cold-reader.

Yup, the interview I had with him while he asked my parents to wait outside, making a far greater impression on them than me when he proceeded to "bless" me things I was already good at or interested in, almost like he knew me!

Most of mine was that also. Just repeating everything i told him when he interviewed me and then he also reprimanded me for those things in my "blessing".

Hahahahaha I just did mine...apparently I've been blessed with fertile loins...score!

Do you get it from a website? Where is the link?

I just got one for my cat! :) She's going to be a mother in Zion! Aren't we all pleased? Of course,that should happen soon; she's a kitten, and will be spayed shortly...

My cat didn't get assigned a tribe, either. Rip off...just like the real thing. ;)

secksiebecksie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I just got one for my cat! :) She's going to be a
> mother in Zion! Aren't we all pleased? Of
> course,that should happen soon; she's a kitten,
> and will be spayed shortly...


>>> But your kitty would be resurrected with a glorified body on the morning of the first resurrection, and she will have her ovaries back.....

Brother Gred Dodge. In the holy name of Jesus Christ and by the power and authority vested in me as a Patriarch in The Church of Jesus Christ, I humbly confer upon you your Patriarchal Blessing. As I speak as directed by the Lord I sense that your future is clouded by the fear you have. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Do not fear and all will be well.
You shall be called in your youth to positions of trust. People will come to you for advise and direction and you will be able to dispense wisdom and opportunities for growth to those who ask.
Brother Gred Dodge, your Heavenly Father truly loves you and is anxious to extend his most generous blessings to you. You, like your grandparents and parents before you are of the most faithful spirits, held back in reserve for this the final wrapping up of the last dispensation.
You shall be an influence upon those who have gone before you. Expect to feel of their presence at quiet moments for those who loved you are still close. They are not now with you but are never truly gone. Great joy shall attend your reunion on the day of the resurrection.
You have many gifts and talents. You have the gift of intelligence, a good mind, a love for truth. Do not let that love for truth guide you out of the way of the Lord. Remember, not all truth is useful. Seek learning from approved sources, do not stray onto the internet where sorrow and heartache awaits.
Through the Priesthood, you can withstand all of the temptations of the evil one. Heavenly Father will never let you be tempted beyond your ability to withstand the temptation and trial that come to you.
Your footsteps shall be directed in the paths of righteousness through the promptings of the Holy Ghost. You shall be watched over and protected in your going and coming in life. The Lord shall give you utterance in expression in declaring and proclaiming his gospel. You shall teach as one having authority and shall confound those who may attempt to distract the work of the Lord.
As you study and as you learn, you will be blessed with a sure knowledge that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, and that He lives and because He lives, we too will live in the eternities.
As you receive calls from your Bishops and your Stake Presidents, accept these calls and the Holy Ghost will guide and direct you in the fulfillment of them, as as you faithfully fulfill these callings and support those who reside over you, you will be able to be a blessing unto many of our Heavenly Father's members of His Church and Kingdom here upon this earth. You will be able to help them in the working out their exaltation.
These blessings I declare unto you according to your faithfulness and continued obedience in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

http://www.patriarchalblessing.net/index.php/blessing/read/2e94df3e513f4c36197c8a2bea6b16a0

The patriarch told my brother that he would find a spouse.

Too bad he was already married.

So, he did find a spouse.

Well, I got my blessing, But what's my tribe?

Brother Kent. In the name of Jesus Christ and by the authority of the Holy Melchizedek priesthood, I lay my hands upon your head as an ordained patriarch and give you a patriarchal blessing.

You will be successful in your vocation and in all things you do. You will have the assistance that you need both physical and spiritual. Waste not your time. Be diligent in all that you do.

You will be an instrument in the hands of our Heavenly Father in bringing the gospel of Jesus Christ through the missionaries, into the lives of many of those that you serve in your profession.

The Lord has given you the ability to talk and to explain and to help others that they might know the truth.

I bless you with special protection against harm, evil and temptation. Prayer is the key in all things, prayer night and morning, with a prayer always in your heart will bind Satan, as far as you are concerned, so that he can have no power whatsoever upon you, he will be as effectively bound as when he is cast into outer darkness.

You will have the opportunity of functioning as a father, and the blessings given through family life will be yours. Raise your children well.

I bless you that you will show to your parents respect and appreciation. Your own children will mirror your behavior in the future so be good now lest it smite you.

You will be an instrument in the hands of our Heavenly Father in bringing the gospel of Jesus Christ through the missionaries, into the lives of many of those that you serve in your profession.

I bless you, because of your righteousness Brother Kent, for the Lord to grant unto you many wonderful choice experiences and blessings which assist you to increase your testimony of the Gospel.

The promises in this blessing will be fulfilled if you keep yourself true to the faith and keep the commandments of God. Do not deviate even one whit from the true path or you shall find yourself cast out.

These blessings are yours, according to your diligence in keeping the commandments, and I pronounce them upon you through my calling as a patriarch, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Buaha...mine said i'd be able to translate myself and call down fire from the heavens like Elijah. And even the temple will seem boring and weird at first, I will get used to it and begin to feel at peace there.

...uhhuh.

What happened to the matriarchal blessing? Oh! that's the blessing of a goddess .........pagan! omg

Mine said all 14 year old girls, 8th graders I am to marry or I will struck dead with a flaming sword. It is a dirty job but I guess someone has to do it.

I'd like to share with you my personal patriarchal blessing which is an inspiration and guide here on this earth while I while away the time doing busy work for the church waiting for my many many, many mansions full of wives and gold and all manner of precious things in the the next life. Enjoy! ;-)

Can't you just see me, there with Da Vinci, Dawkins, and Darwin!! I can! With my spiritual eyes!!!

...................

Brother Ben Dover, under the authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood I pronounce upon you this Patriarchal Blessing, as did our father Adam upon his the first children on the earth. Much has changed since then, but the blessings you receive today are as valid and important as those bestowed in past time by duly appointed patriarchs of the Lord.

You will have opportunities to serve in many capacities in the Church. High and holy callings will be yours, limited only by your willingness to accept and function in the calls that come to you. Prepare yourself. Accept each call, work diligently to magnify that call to the greatest extent, making it the most important for you at that time and it will be. Each call comes with a time from which you will be released from that call.

I bless you, because of your righteousness Brother Ben Dover, for the Lord to grant unto you many wonderful choice experiences and blessings which assist you to increase your testimony of the Gospel.

You will be called as a leader in the Church. Many will follow your instructions and many souls will be touched.

Brother Ben Dover, your Heavenly Father truly loves you and is anxious to extend his most generous blessings to you. You, like your grandparents and parents before you are of the most faithful spirits, held back in reserve for this the final wrapping up of the last dispensation.

You will have the opportunity to bear witness of the truthfulness of the gospel in many areas and will be called upon to voice your defense of the government of this promised land. Study those prophecies that have been given pertaining to this blessed land that you may be able to present this information to the people of the world that they may appreciate the things that they enjoy in this choice country.

I bless you that you may be able to be an influence for good wherever you go. I bless you that you will bring forth new knowledge which will be of value to all mankind. In the pre-mortal life you stood alongside the great scientists, noble ones like Da Vinci, Dawkins and Darwin and you covenanted with them that you would use your intelligence to heal mankind.

Brother Ben Dover, you were one of the noble children, of the premortal world, there in that holy sphere, through your faithfulness, grew and developed, and chose the plan of salvation to be your guide. You were chosen through your obedience to come to earth at this appointed time.

Brother Ben Dover I bless you with the power to overcome all the wily temptations of Satan, but to safeguard yourself against these evils you will need a knowledge of all truth and you can obtain this by prayer and by the studying of the scriptures.

You will be given special wisdom in the rearing of your children for your children will become great in the Kingdom. They are destined to rule during the millenium so be nice to them now.

The promises in this blessing will be fulfilled if you keep yourself true to the faith and keep the commandments of God. Do not deviate even one whit from the true path or you shall find yourself cast out.

These blessings I declare unto you according to your faithfulness in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

http://www.patriarchalblessing.net/index.php/blessing/read


Brother Nick Erickson, through the authority of the Melchizedek Priesthood I pronounce upon you your patriarchal blessing, declaring unto you that the Lord loves you and that you are one of his chosen children which he has sent to this earth.
You had talents and abilities enough that your Heavenly Parents were certain that you would be able to make your way through earth life and on to the Celestial kingdom. You were placed with your earthly family where you would be given the knowledge you had lost as you left the spirit world and experiences to help you grow.
I bless you to make study and prayer a daily activity so that the light of the gospel can be evident in your life. You will be blessed to control your thought and shut out the unwanted, and unholy, with the ability to replace them with virtuous thoughts. Learn good hymns that they may help you overcome your natural attractions towards members of your own gender.
As your brothers and sister listen to the advice that you offer, it would be as David of old when he counseled his brothers. Blessings will return to you for your efforts.
Brother Nick Erickson I bless you with the power to overcome all the temptations of the evil one through your knowledge of the scriptures. Study them daily.
Through the Priesthood, you can withstand all of the temptations of the evil one. Heavenly Father will never let you be tempted beyond your ability to withstand the temptation and trial that come to you.
I bless you with a desire to understand the gospel and to receive the blessings that come to faithful members of the church.
You have been given a mortal body by worthy parents, who have shown you the ways of truth, and righteousness. They have shown their love by guiding you in the ways of the Lord, and are preparing you for your future life. Their love for you is eternal. The covenants that they have made, and living the Lord's commandments, is a example for you to follow. I bless you to show your love and honor to them by living, as the Lord has commanded.
I bless you to this end and as long as you are faithful these blessings will be yours.
These blessings are yours, according to your diligence in keeping the commandments, and I pronounce them upon you through my calling as a patriarch, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Sister Fuck Slut. I give you this blessing in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the authority of the holy Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold. All the promises and blessings which you shall shortly hear are conditional on your unwavering obedience.
You have been given a mortal body by worthy parents, who have shown you the ways of truth, and righteousness. They have shown their love by guiding you in the ways of the Lord, and are preparing you for your future life. Their love for you is eternal. The covenants that they have made, and living the Lord's commandments, is a example for you to follow. I bless you to show your love and honor to them by living, as the Lord has commanded.
Through this blessing, you will be able to know that our Father in Heaven loves you and wants to advise you on your future. He is keenly aware of the struggles that you have faced and that you will still face. He knows you want to do the right things and will forgive you all your weaknesses if you come to Him in humble prayer.
You had traits and capabilities enough that your Heavenly Parents were certain that you would be able to make your way through earth life and on to the Celestial kingdom. You were placed with your earthly family where you would be given the knowledge you had lost as you left the spirit world.
You have a rich promise before you. Yours is the challenge to determine to distinguish yourself; not to distinguish yourself in worldly ways, but instead in your closeness and companionship with our Father in Heaven. As you so order your life, as you are prayerful, as you study the scriptures, as you are eager to learn more and more about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you will find that all of the affairs of your life will fall into place. But as you place the things of the world uppermost in your mind, you will stumble and you will struggle, and you will find temptations and adversity to difficult to deal with.
Take time each d ay to study the words of God and listen, as the occasion arises to the words of the prophets and apostles. These are your guides and will help you avoid the pitfalls which Satan has in store for the children of our Heavenly Father.
Bother Fuck Slut, stay pure and clean before your Heavenly Father. He delights in the chastity of women. Don't give it up to just anyone. The standards you are taught as a youth are standards from your Heavenly Father. They are celestial standards, and they should be reserved for the celestial kingdom. For now, be smart and enjoy all the pleasures of your youthful body for the time will come when you will not. Be loving, forgiving, and understanding in all of your doings, your teachings, and all of your activities, both inside and outside of the church.
You shall have one of the greatest spiritual gifts that the Savior promised his followers. This is a special blessing, it is not to be disclosed generally but you will be required to use it at a later date. It will be yours so long as you are faithful.
I bless you that your life will be a life of sunshine, of warmth, of inner meanings and a strong conviction and will power to be an individual pleasing unto the Lord and encouraging and pleasing unto those that love you.
As your brothers and sister listen to the advice that you offer, it would be as David of old when he counseled his brothers. Blessings will return to you for your efforts.
These blessings I declare unto you according to your faithfulness and continued obedience in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

The guy running the site probably can generate a list of all the names people have entered. ROTFLMAO.

"Brother Stephen Reed Benson,

"RFM??

"Good God!"



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2011 03:58PM by steve benson.

That's fecking AMAZING!!! Half of it has come true already!

Doesn't tell me my fake Jewish ancestry, but apart from that it's perfect :)

>I bless you with a desire to study the scriptures on a regular basis...

That's gonna be difficult, because she eats all books.

A parrotriarchal blessing. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

TOOOOOO FUNNY!

Brother Raptor. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the authority of the holy Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold and acting in my office and calling as patriarch, I lay my hands upon you head and pronounce a patriarchal blessing.

I bless you with the righteous desires of your heart, in always striving to live the Gospel and to be always faithful to you Heavenly Father in doing those things which are right and pleasing in his sight.

You will be called to lead in the Church. Many will follow your instructions and many souls will be touched. The youth of the Church will look toward you for guidance. Never abuse this sacred trust.

You'll have many friends and associates who are not members of the Church. Let them know by act and by word the truths that you have and as they see the good things that you have in your life that they would like to have in theirs, they will recognize that it comes from being a member of the only true Church and they will join with you.

You have many gifts and talents. Your Heavenly Father loves you so much that He has blessed you abundantly with talents. You have the gift of intelligence, a good mind, a love for truth, a pleasing personality, a cheerful countenance, a listening ear; your greatest talent is your testimony, your faith your love for the gospel, your love for Christ. You have creative hands with which to fashion lovely things for the home that you will have.
Your mortal existence is a necessary step in your eternal progression. You will be blessed to use the talents, that the Lord has given you, to serve your fellow men.

You shall be endowed from on high with faith to bring forth the blessings of heaven. You shall enjoy the gift of healing. You shall be given the opportunity to lay hands upon the heads of those who are sick and afflicted and through their faith and your faith and the will of the Lord restore them to health.
Brother Raptor, you were one of the noble children, of the premortal world, there in that holy sphere, through your faithfulness, grew and developed, and chose the plan of salvation to be your guide. You were chosen through your obedience to come to earth at this appointed time.

The Lord loves you greatly and He has sent you to this earth at a time when you could hear the still small voice of the good shepherd and accept the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.
I bless you that throughout your mortal life you will be able to enjoy happiness, health and strength if you use wisdom in the way you live and the way your treat the body which our heavenly Father has give you here upon this earth. I bless you with an active mind, that will be able to absorb the facts which are presented and given unto you. One that will be able to understand the scriptures as you read them in a faithful, humble and meek way.

You have many gifts and talents. You have the gift of intelligence, a good mind, a love for truth. Do not let that love for truth guide you out of the way of the Lord. Remember, not all truth is useful. Seek learning from approved sources, do not stray onto the internet where sorrow and heartache awaits.
There are many blessings awaiting you. They will come at times when needed. It will seem that you have known them before. You were blessed and given promises as you left your home on high to partake of those blessings here when needed. You carry with you the seeds of greatness, sown in the past and harvested now.

I remind you, Brother Raptor, that the promises and blessings which are pronounced upon you this day shall be realized if you are true and faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord.
I bless you now that you and your companion will come forth in the morning of the first resurrection crowned with immortality and eternal life and this I do in and through the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

My TBM parents didn't bother to get me a patriarchal blessing, so I was highly gratified to finally receive mine!

>>"Remember, not all truth is useful. Seek learning from approved sources, do not stray onto the internet where sorrow and heartache awaits. Do not study that which will lead you away from the correlated path."

>>"You have been blessed with a great gift, which one day will be needed for the protection of your family. You will have the power to translate yourself and call down fire from heaven as did Elijah of old."

Oh yeah! Fire-from-heaven to all who have abused me and my loved ones! Zap!

All I get is an error message that says "This page has been reserved for future use." :-(