I just need to know how to say no to going to mutual! I already stopped going to church a couple months ago. I still go to mutual sometimes because Sister X comes over and takes my little sister to their activities every second and fourth Wednesdays. (My sister says she's just doing it for the free food. Sucks for the morg.)

Anyways Sister X always asks me if I want to go, and I'm sick of saying yes! Being the quiet person I am, it's hard to say no because I just stand there and nod to whatever they're saying. When I actually do say no, she say's I'll have fun and to get my coat on. So by then I don't know what do to and just go with them. But I don't want to go! I have better things to do! But I can't just tell them to fuck off or I'll get in trouble with my mom. (I'm still under 18) My mom doesn't care whether we go or not.

How can I be assertive? Any excuses I can tell them so I won't have to go?

Now is a good time to start practicing this skill, which you are going to need for the rest of your life. Being asked to do things that you don't want to do is not unique to church.

There's nothing magical or special that you have to say. You don't have to be rude -- being polite is usually best. "No, thank you" is sufficient. When they press, just be firm. "I really appreciate the invitation, but I just don't feel like going." Just try it, stick to your guns, and you might be surprised how easy it gets.

And don't worry about making up excuses. You don't need to justify your choice not to attend a voluntary activity. The mere fact that you don't want to do something is enough, and other people need to respect that.

The biggest battle is the one in your head. Realize that you don't have to do things that you don't want to do to please other people.

Good luck!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2011 06:50PM by Pista.

You stand in front of the mirror and have the conversation with yourself! Practicing saying: gosh, that's a nice invitation, but I really can't go.
Or: no thank you. Then walk away.
Or: I have to decline. I have too much homework, then walk away.
You can make these kinds of small choices that help you make much larger ones.

Two ideas for you.

1) Write a note explaining that you are not interested in attending mutual ever again with a brief explanation of why. You can even pre-post the note here and get comments. This way you don't have to try to come up with exactly what to say on the spot. For all she knows she is just extending a polite invitation and you want to come.

2) Go read some Dear Prudence on slate.com. Read her archives for examples of how to be assertive in how to stand up to people without being rude.

"No, thank you, I won't be going tonight."

Repeat like a broken record as needed.

"No, I have other plans."

"No, I'm not interested."

"No, it's never fun."

"No, I'm tired of going along with things I don't want to do."

"No, it would be wrong for me to keep giving you false hope."

"No, I need to do drugs and have sex tonight." (Actually, thinking of outrageous things you might say makes the other replies seem as tame as they really are.)

When she says to go get your coat, just do the first part -- leave the room. You aren't required to stand there and engage with her. In fact, why even be there when you know she's coming? This is what bathrooms are made for.

And remember that a REAL friend would not try to push you into something you did want to do!

There is no end to the number of people on this planet who will be very happy to tell you what to do. It's okay to disappoint those people. *They will get over it.*

You learn assertiveness by practicing it. Perhaps your sister can help you practice. Have her pretend to be Sister X and say the sorts of things that Sister X usually says. Look "Sister X" in the eye (this tells her that you mean business.) Practice some responses ahead of time so that you have a menu of statements from which to select.

"No thank you."
"Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather not."
"Thanks, but I'm going to work on my homework tonight. I'll see you later, Sis."

When Sister X tells you to put your coat on, smile at her, wave, wish her a nice evening, and walk away.

Learning how to be assertive is a valuable skill that will last you your entire life. You can do it!

Some time ago someone here posted a wonderful way to respond. Forgive me for not remembering the OP's name or having a record of the thread. But it goes something like this:

Sister X: Subliminal, you're invited to mutual tonight.

Subliminal: No, thank you.

Sister X: Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

Subliminal: You've invited me to mutual and I've said No.

Sister X: Oh, come on, you know you'll enjoy it once you're there.

Subliminal: You've invited me to mutual and I've said No.

Sister X: Oh, you. Go get your coat and let's go.

Subliminal: You've invited me to mutual and I've said No.

To whatever Sister X says, you keep repeating that one line. If Sister X persists, repeat the line and add, "Excuse me. I'm going to my room now. Have fun at mutual." Then leave the room.

Again, I didn't think this up, but I think it's a great idea.

It's hard for my family to argue with that, and I'd rather be with people who might be alone and want my company. I'd rather have their company as well.

ETA: Sorry, I have Xmas on the brain.

As others have said, you will assert yourself more and more over time as long as you don't give up. Baby steps. I know it sucks to be told this, but you are young and getting to the age where you will find it easier to assert yourself through practice, especially as you learn and grow and do your own thing (and "your own thing" will change over time as well due to new experiences).

You can be a quiet person and still be assertive -- they are not mutually exclusive. You'll find your own quiet, comfortable way to say, "No."

My best to you. :-D



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2011 07:40PM by Beth.

It externalizes the conversation. No opinion expressed. You reiterate what Sis X said and your response. Yawn.

Then turn and walk away or hang up the phone.

It gets easier everytime you're clear and honest.

And seriously they respect decisive assertiveness more than wafflers.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/22/2011 05:36AM by Cheryl.

The one time the missies came to see me in the close to ten years of inactivity thats exactly what I did. The dog started barking so I looked out to see who pulled into the driveway. Went to the door before they could knock and told them I was not interested. They began to say something and I would cut them off with "No" My daughter came out to see who I was talking to, asked who that was and told her "Nobody" They again started to say something I said "NO". One of them just stood there in shock staring at me, and I kept shaking my head no with arms crossed. Stood there like that until they got into their car and drove off



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2011 11:00PM by seamaiden.

Sister X: How about coming to Mutual with us?
Subliminal: Thanks for the invitation, but NO I don't want to go.
Sister X: Oh get your coat and come on!
Subliminal: NO, I don't want to go.
Sister X: You'll have fun if you come to mutual.
Subliminal: I have a question for you. Is there some part of "NO" that you don't understand? I can get a dictionary if you need to read the definition of "NO".

subliminal Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
When I
> actually do say no, she say's I'll have fun and to
> get my coat on. So by then I don't know what do to
> and just go with them. But I don't want to go! I
> have better things to do!

You're going to think I'm joking, but I'm not. Tell Sister X to put her money where her mouth is. "OK, Give me a $50 bill to hold through Mutual, and if I have fun, I'll give it back. If I don't have fun I get to keep it". Of course she won't, but now the decision is on her not you. If she says "Come on, you don't need the $50 bucks it will be fun..." you can counter with "If you know I'm going to have fun, hit my palm with the money..." She will tire of you antics very fast, and stop bothering you. If for some stupid reason she calls your bluff, take the $50 and go to Mutual and keep it. $50 is not too shabby for a couple hours of boredom.

Many years ago I worked in sales. The key to sales is overcoming objections. Basically, if you can get the customer to identify WHY they do not want the goods or service, you are able to find a solution and make the sale. If you can not identify the objection, no sale.

Since your mormon bully is desperately trying to make a "sale", you need to be on your guard. Do NOT give any excuses, it gives yw lady something to latch onto and puts you on the defensive.

Always answer with a firm "no, thank you". No rationalization, no excuses. When she tries to draw the objection from you, and she will, continue with "no, thank you". If you are able to politely excuse yourself, all the better. I'd try to remain polite because that puts you in a position of power and will really piss yw leader off.

Remember: "no, thank you" or some variation thereof. No excuses, no reasons that you can't go, just "no". With a pleasant smile if you can stomach it.

I can't add much to the good advice given already, but it was sort of the same for me as a guy pushing geezerdom. The autopilot would kick in and I would just show up upon request. I felt duty bound to continue my calling even though the Bishop and I had gone the rounds many times during my leaving the church. One time somebody even asked if I would teach the HighPriests lesson and before I knew what I was doing I had agreed to teach something I no longer believed.

Eventually though, the Bishop became more and more hostile and as he did so, I found the strength to turn away from him.

You know, one of the most liberating things is to shout
"leave us alone". Once you call up the courage to cross that line you are free...except for the aftermath.

There is a concept called training a pig. This concept is applied to raising kids to get their own way. It works like this- when the kid wants something and asks long enough until thew parent gives in, the kid now knows how long it will take to get what he/she wants, and how to get it.

This is what is happening with your assailant from Mutual. She knows that by simply hounding you she will get her brownie points for bringing you in.

In both cases, the child/church get what they want because the parent/you don't put their foot down and put a stop to the manipulation.

It's a tough spot to be in, but you are strong enough to come to a "anti-mormon" website to ask advice, and that means you are also strong enough to stand up refuse to do something you do not want to do.

Good luck. Grownups can be real jerks, especially when they think they are doing the right thing, but eventually they will move on to easier prey.

Ok I'll expand more. You said that whenever you DO say no, they tell you that you'll have fun and then you give in.

Answer: SAY IT AGAIN!!!

You've already said it once, right? So what changed? How has the situation given all the power in their favor? YOU hold the power of the moment, not them. However you're allowing yourself to give it up without a fight at all.

What is this doing? It's making you appear weak, unable to stand up for yourself. They know this, they see this. They know all it takes is to ask you twice and maybe throw in a little sweet talk, and you'll give in, you'll surrender your power to them just like that. STOP IT!!! TAKE A STAND!!!

"you'll have fun"...no
"come oonnnn"...no
"just come this one time"...no
"I PROMISE you'll have a great time"...no
"do it for your sister"...no
"are you sure you don't want to come?"... YES! IM NOT COMING!

Stand up for yourself, they will listen. If you refuse to come on several occasions, do you think they will still try as hard? Probably not, because you've SHOWN them that you're not going to be weak anymore. They might even stop bugging you all together.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/22/2011 03:00PM by AtheistMarine.

No. No is very simple and very direct. Excuses leave room for argument and open up a conversation. Say no. It is a beautiful word. People get the meaning right away. If they persist, say "No. No, I don't want to." If you are worried about politeness, no thank you will do. If they persist you can say, "What don't you understand about no?" I think that they will have more respect for you decisiveness.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/22/2011 06:17PM by nomo.

(My sister says she's just doing it for the free food. Sucks for the morg.)

Tell her that free cheese only in the mice-trap!

"How can I be assertive?"

Uh...you've probably gotten lots of good advice here but if you can't say no to someone inviting to something you really don't want to go to, then you may want to see a therapist....

If that's the case, maybe you can make an ally out of her.

She could make it harder for this persistent ward member to speak to you. (She could be a gate-keeper)

She could coach you on how to say "no", and cheerlead for you when you do. (It actually HELPS, I promise. My husband always shows admiration for me when I stand up to someone, and that has helped me avoid feeling guilty or "mean" afterwards).

Learning to say "no" is one of the best things you can learn in life. It's liberating to realize that you don't have to do something just because somebody ELSE wants you to. It's YOUR choice. YOUR life.