Anyone need a support group to recover from a stroll in an English garden?
Is anguish a natural part of recovering from hearing a rendition of Handel's Messiah?
In honor of Timothy I want to point out that none of us need support to get over happy uplifting experiences.
What about recovering from mormonism?
That can be an arduous task.
Some never fully recover and can only hope to survive and enjoy good times while bearing up under the stress and sadness of continually dealing with ongoing mormon demons, meaning the dark flashbacks and the living mormons who sometimes dish out new daily grief.
I often read on RfM how it's offensive to read about the same frustrations again and again. Many say just get over it and move on. Mormonsim isn't the worst thing in the world, not like dying in squalor without a sip of water or a word of comfort. Since people die horrible deaths, it's frivolous to worry about mormons who say we're offended, lazy, and ungrateful.
In reality mormonsim can mean a happy life, free of excessive struggle, a life of being fawned over and adored. I've seen certain powerful RSPs and highly placed confident stake priesthood leaders who delight in their mormon status. Life is good for them.
But their lives of power and prestige can come at a heavy price. Many of us had to be downtrodden and crushed to give them a foundation for tooting their delight. I'm thinking of triumphant Moroni at the top of the highest spire on a building my great grandfather helped build with back breaking toil and 10% if the pennies he needed to feed his family and fulfill his dream of buying a 10 cent bit for his plow to save hours of labor tilling his land.
There have always been "false" prophets in mormonism who formed hundreds of mormon groups all singing praises to the supreme living leader and to Joe, and Brigham, and occasionally Jesus. All of these leaders have hoarded power, wealth, and women for themselves and their closest adoring priestood friends.
This is the legacy of the cult system. My greatest hope in life was to do exactly what the RfM compainers want.
I wanted to start a new life mormon free in place without mormon wardhouses on every block, a place where mormon elites would no longer try to dominate my life and control my thoughts.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard we work to put it behind us loved ones and strangers from mormonism come out and attempt to force their will.
Don't agree? Nothing wrong with that.
The only problem is if complainers want to also force *their* will and gag the complaints of others who are trying to understand what happened to them in a cult.
I don't mind an abundance of complaining. What I do mind is if the thrust of the complaining is to shut down honest complaints and resulting insights about mormonism on this board. The RfM name is well noted by Timothy.
I'm lucky. I attend meetings and luncheons and win many lovely doorprizes. I'm always most grateful, but that winning experience is in no way comparable to recovery from mormonism.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/29/2011 03:20AM by Cheryl.
Perhaps non-Mormons receive a pie from a neighbor when they move into a new house and they don't have a flashback, like I do, to the day the Relief Society president brought a pie and the kids let her in (so they could eat it).
They ate pie in the Kitchen while she basically read me off in the Living Room for "turning my back on the Living Prophet and God's plan." She did this completely unconcerned that my children were listening in the kitchen as they scarfed down the pie.
To this day I feel myself involuntarily bristle inside when there is an unknown ring at the door. Don't laugh--for some years the sight of pie made me feel angry and upset inside.
So I support Cheryl in her righteous desire to be free of Mormon instrusion.
Thankfully, many here understand. Most of us share that feeling and share that depth of courage.
I'm wondering what other simple objects trigger deep emotions in RfM friends. Could be pie for others or perhaps basket ball, white dresses, panyhose, narrow striped ties, white bread, well done roast beef, black shoe polish, hair ribbons. I'd love to hear other stories like yours and hopefully think that others are recovering in the telling and reading and remembering.
When you are born into a group, and you have No choice what your belief system will be,and you have little if any exposure to life outside of that, it will probably cause you some problems.
Yes, there are worse things than being raised a mormon. However, that does not lessen your experience,
For 17 years I had no choice. I became so brain washed during that time, I thought I had no choice for 40 more.
I eventually found my way. I have 57 years of being in mormonism, and all that entails, to work through. It's not going to happen overnight.
Sometimes I think I am done with a topic, only to have it come back at me with a vengeance. Fortunately I have RFM to come to. If I didn't, I would be going crazy. I would probably think maybe the church was right. I can't live without them. Rfm gives me others to relate to when I need to be validated. That is the best thing about this site. You may need a lot of validation to get through it all. You may need it more than once. You may need to run your thoughts past others for a reality check. Many here are finding out what reality is for the first time. It is not easy. It isn't a one stop process.
Theres an experiment with monkeys where they put them in a room isolated and for a certain time they could choose between food or a furry thing to cuddle that was something like themselves. After a wile they picked the furry thing all the time and died hugging furry thing.
Some of the most happy people are from poor places without much food on the table but some of the most misrable people can have tables of food just to themselves.
Atlest your alive and atelst you have food on the table to someone who's feeling isolated and unloved is probably not going to work.
Some of us are still in the thick of it and need confort not a lie no matter how much food we have on the table.
Fact is, most Mormons can't face reality. The book is a fraud, and the mandatory tithe is extortion married to guilt. The emperor's willie is visible to anyone with eyes (not "spiritual eyes"). That's what we recover from: what was forced upon us so rudely. Lie upon lie, pretense upon pretense. Worse than dog food.
Right, "spiritual eyes" is the language of a con man. Deception of others, for him, is a better lifestyle than working in a brick-and-mortar company. Believe me, I worked brick-and-mortar for three and a half decades and I have the arthritis to prove it. But I never had to lie or cheat for gain. Nor did my bread come from another man's cupboard. I'll face God or the universe or whatever the way I am.
I'm still in the anger phase of my recovery from mormonism. I was born into it, I believed in it, and it let me down. I am one of the ones who goes over the same things again and again--probably because I'm so bitter. Reading other people's experiences and being able to vent about the idiocy and hypocrisy of mormondumb has been a huge help for me. I SOOO appreciate this site and those who support it.
There was no such thing as RFM when I left the church. I thought I was OK, but 37 years later, everything I had buried began to surface and the depth of pain was unfathomable.
It is true, you think you are over something, and then it catches you again out of the blue. With families split, marriages dissolved, kids committing suicide because of masturbation or homosexuality, women stretched beyond limits--needing anti-depressants, men made to feel less than--not able to do for their families with the ten per cent gone, never able to truly bond with their children due to their callings...and everyone played for a fool.
WHO is to say then, that enough has been said on any topic?
WHO is going to trivialize the experience?
WHO is going to say recovery is simple, and just a matter of taking your own power back?
It is a long road to getting your power back when you have never had power in the first place. When you have never been taught to feel good about yourself. Never taught to trust your own mind. Never taught to see the real beauty there for all of us, just a bunch of humans who deserve better than that church.
Because at the end of the day, that is pretty much what happens to a lot of Mormons. Not all Mormons but a lot of them. You lose (or are talked into surrendering if you prefer) your free agency. You compromise your individuality. You turn over a lot of your choices to the corporation. The choices you do make (where to go to college, who to marry, how many kids you have) are so deeply influenced by Mormonism that your actual preference isn't taken into account - a lot of times you are so confused by Mormonism you don't even know what those preferences are. You only know how to interpret Mormonism with a touch of style all your own. Like girls at a strict Catholic school who have to wear a uniform but try to do something to be a tiny bit different. You are not allowed to think for yourself outside the Mormon box. You are not allowed to question authority. You are manipulated to do things that don't feel right for you like serving a mission or accepting a calling because you believe God himself wants you to. You often have shallow relationships because Mormonism has taken away family members to serve their needs and so those people aren't fundamentally loyal to you. That principle goes double or more when it comes to friendship. You don't have the luxury oftentimes of people you can count on - you have people who only love you as far as you are translated correctly.
Worst of all, IMO, you have someone else saying in order to be a worthy human being, you have to jump through hoops that others have set up for you. Many times the things you are taught are good and righteous are the very opposite. But you still are taught to jump through these unrighteous practices to be worthy. Because your life is not your own. As a Mormon, your life is never your own. It belongs to the church. And you may be able to put your own spin on it but too much spin and you're in trouble. The more of yourself you give up to fit the Morg's demands, the better you are taught you are. Often the opposite is true, the more of yourself you surrender - the worse you are. But you can't see that.
The life I live now only bears a shadow of a resemblance to the life I would have chosen if the Mormons hadn't interfered. In some ways that's good. I can see the mistakes I would have made too and they could have been bad ones. But they would have been MINE. I deserved to get to live my own life and not having my spirit in slavery. I deserved my mistakes and my triumphs and my opinion. Starve the body or starve the soul - either way you starve. And starvation is something you need to recover from. However suits you best, however long it takes. You don't have to recover from having too much good in your life. But starvation...
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/28/2011 11:43PM by CA girl.
I'm a nevermo with various relationships with mormons over time. I've read this board over time and posted a bit recently to try to figure some things out.
It's never hit me so hard - what some mormons go through - as reading some posts on this thread. CA girl, your words brought tears to my eyes.
you are all kindred spirits. You eloquently described the cult oppression I endured all my life. We (I) really experienced this, and we (I) have a right to feel sad and angry about it. We (I) need to work very hard to recover, and especially to NOT PERPETUATE THIS CURSED CULT on to our children.
Yes, this is very personal. How could we not take it seriously. Bless you all on RFM!
Good point: If Mormonism is NOT a cult, then why is there a need to RECOVER from it?
What was hardest for me was never being good enough for the church, for the Laurel adivser, for my parents, for the stake President, for anything or anyone. I'm still trying to recover from that.
For me it’s that canned advice that I get from TBM friends and family that really dredges it all back up. “The church is perfect but the people aren’t.”, “You need to study the scriptures.” etc etc. As if they think I made such a drastic decision without considering all the basic talking points.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma.
Read about this on Wikipedia and other sites. If you cannot find a reference to what you experienced in the LDS Church listed in one of the causes of PTSD then you are one of the lucky few.
Bullying is one of the stressors that bring about PTSD. Bullying can be physical or emotional. Is there anyone here on this site that was not bullied by the church's teaching and or it's members?
I cringe every time I hear someone on the porch. When I hear footsteps on the porch my stomach twists in knots. That is true for my mother and younger sister.
No one expected a visit on Christmas Day. My little sister had surgery not too long ago and we have had neighbors drop by with floral arrangements for her along with deliveries of flowers and teddy bears. My mom thought it was another neighbor coming by with a Christmas goodie because of my sister and was shocked to see it was the Bishop and his wife and a pineapple.
Despite my attitude of reckless speaking, we DID tell the missionaries NOT to come here anymore when they asked what they could do to help. We told them seeing them, other Mormons involved with what happened to us only hurts us all over again. It brings it all to the surface. We did tell the Bishop no contact. All we ever wanted was a chance to heal. That wasn't even allowed.
I would think that anyone who has been here for awhile would know that when someone is on here complaining, it goes deeper than a fruit, it goes deeper than a mere visit. What we say comes from a lot of hurt, anger and frustration. There is nothing wrong with complaining or venting and the posts about that have boggled my mind. People need to complain and vent before they can move on and only they can tell when they are ready to move on.
Ya know, there is more to the pineapple than meets the eye and that is true on both sides of the fence.
Cheryl, I love your posts. You know exactly where we all are coming from and you understand. Thank you.
I get really weary of those who say "just get over it." Having been through some significant life-changing events over the years, it is amazing how quickly everyone wants you to just get over it--stop talking about it, yet they never really know what you have been through.
Coming to this board for all of us is just a short glimpse of our lives and then others judge us. We come here to vent, to sort through the trauma of what we experienced as mormons. It is therapeutic--just like going to my therapist about my situation when everyone in my life didn't want to listen any longer (if ever). Don't come here and tell me I didn't experience trauma from being mormon. Thank god even my parents got that one.
Just like someone else said--I can go along and be okay for a while and then something happens to bring back the trauma and I have to come here. I also get validation by coming here. Just a week or 2 ago I read a post by stunted, I believe, and he talked about a sister or SIL who had married someone gay--and the bishop had told her to get him turned on before they were married. When I've talked about this before--especially to some mormons--they say the bishop was mistaken and wasn't following the leaders, I don't believe you, or you had choices, you had responsibility. Yep--and I carried ALL the responsibility--not them (and I was suicidally depressed at the time)--so to come here and read that one little sentence was healing for me.
I also get stressed out when the doorbell rings--but for more reasons than mormons. . . Someone at the door is actually traumatic to me especially if they ring it over and over and over again (which my ex tends to do if the door is locked).
Thanks for all your posts on this thread--and Cheryl--you are a great contributor to the board. Don't let anyone silence you.
If we had just been righteous enough to transcend the steaming pile of crap that is Mormonism, we would have loved it. Mmmmmmm, sweet, lovely sewerage...
"After all, if they can recover from it, surely that must mean they had something to recover from? And that... WE might be able to recover from it, too? Arghhh! Nooooo! LA LA LA! I have my fingers in my ear! I can't Hear You!!!"
Cheryl, these thoughts are very helpful to me. I wholeheartedly wish that I was able to let it all go. I have been a non-believer for 10 years, but people, ideas, ingrained thinking patterns come out of nowhere and I deal with them in one way or another again. and again.
You are right, I have never had to recover from a bonus from work, listening to classic rock music, a lovely vacation, taking grandkids to the movies, reading an insightful book. etc. These activities heal me. I, too, love that phrase from CAGirl "you have people who only love you as far as you are translated correctly."
Mormonism feeds on insecurity and judgement,not happiness.