My wife and I need to find a good marriage/sex counselor. We've been to counseling twice before. Both times my primary hope for the counseling was to make forward progress on getting past some really negative cycles my wife and I have going on with the emotional aspects in our sex life largely driven by a strong difference in sex drive and what kind of sex we want to be having.

Both of the past counseling experiences helped us improve other aspects of our marriage but both completely failed to make any forward progress in the sex area.

My wife and I can actually already communicate quite openly without getting into fights and getting our feelings across to each other. But we both feel like we are constantly walking on eggshells in this area. There is a constant sense of dread that trying to work on it just ties it up in tighter knots.

How do we find a good counselor that will actually help us? How do we deal with me being and atheist and she being a TBM? Seems like any atheist counselor is going to tell my wife to quit being a prude and any TBM is going to tell me to quit being a sex addict and have god take my libido away.

We live in northern Utah Valley (PG).

You need to do a massive amount of research to find someone in your area. Be prepared to travel to SLC (California would be better, but I know unrealistic). It's gonna take MUCH more than a couple of sessions. Keep seeking. Try as many as it takes. Enjoy the process.

What do you I look for in this research?

Where do you I look?

We went for 9 months last time before it seemed to get to the point that everything that counselor had to give us she had given.

Personal recommendations would be the best way. Barring that, find books and articles about your situation. Read them! Contact the authors of books/articles that speak to you, and request referrals in your area. Also remember that YOU probably have issues that also need to be addressed. Enjoy the process!

When my partner and I ran into troubles we went to a therapist who had done a remarkable job with a close friend. Change can and does happen. It was thrilling when I realized how I could change and needed to change and how dramatically it improved my life!

So I'm thinking I need to go non TBM counselor for the following reasons:

1) When this comes down to it, this is primarily me that needs to change. I have to figure out how to take the stress off of my wife and not take it personally that because she is stressed her sexual interest in me is greatly diminished. I don't think a TBM counselor is likely to help me answer these things.

2) The few parts of this formula that my wife could be open to - be less prudish sexually she is very unlikely to hear from a TBM counselor anyway.

Thoughts?

Oh sorry, I didn't see your post about wanting a non TBM counselor before I posted that link. Still, something to consider.

This lady is a TBM sex therapist. I think she works out of the Chicago area but she says she also does sessions via skype for those that live far away. I think she might be a good fit for your situation. Maybe listen to some of her podcasts on mormonstories.org, that will give you a feel for her philosphy and style.

http://www.finlayson-fife.com/html/practice.html

Think of it as a job interview- Ask the therapist lots and lots of questions, check their credentials, make sure he or she can fufill both of your needs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/06/2012 04:03PM by Itzpapalotl.

Consider a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. I am not saying you are a sex addict but the themes/struggles prevalent in your relationship are very similar to couples where one partner is. A therapist who works with couples and who has knowledge about the impact of differing sexual desires and behaviors in couples would be ideal.


http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists

I would find one that focuses on sex counseling. You might try going to the chairman of some university psychology departments for a referral. Your physician may know of someone. A county health department may also be a resource.

I would interview potential counselors until you find a good fit.

Summer

Thank you. Seriously. More than I can express.

It is so so helpful to hear insights from someone who has been through the same issues to a significant degree. It would have been nice if you would have had a success story to go along with it other than we got divorced and I'm glad we did, but your insights have been so helpful.

I guess I'll head over to BYU and ask for a referral ;) Seriously UVUU might be a good place to start.

Any thoughts on what to ask in this interview?

Ronas, I was single at the time (still am,) so I didn't have nearly as much at stake as you do. The guy in question and I had dated for three years. There were other issues as well, but that alone would have been a deal breaker for me in terms of taking it further. He was the only boyfriend with whom I ever had that issue.

In an interview with a potential counselor, I would quickly lay out the major issues (wide divergece in sex drive, stressed wife, masturbation, porn, etc.) and ask about the counselor's general approach to helping couples to resolve their differences. Ask about what type of therapeutic approaches she employs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/06/2012 06:21PM by summer.

Read the Savage Love column with your wife.

It may help with Mormon deprogramming.

At the very least, it will be fun and stimulating.


http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/savage-love/

That column would be considered pornography and evil to my wife. I've read it and seen some good advice.