Mrs. Hela has been asked by a TBM friend to be in her wedding party.

This friend already knows DW won't be part of the temple ceremony, so no issue there.

It's the ring ceremony afterward for friends and family who can't go into the temple.

This friend is in the SLC area, and we are in SoCal. The whole thing will happen in April, which is a peak time in Mrs. Hela's work, so she may not be able to get the vacation leave, and even if she does, her boss will be resentful anyway. Finally, this friend thinks the Mrs. is a lot closer to her than is actually the case.

Oh, the kicker is that this TBM friend is doing the usual mormon thing: She's giving my wife the "choice" to be there, but strongly implying my wife better make the "correct" choice.

How to handle this?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/06/2012 07:41PM by helamonster.

Does your wife *want* to go? If she wants to go, she might be able to fly in and out on the same day. If she doesn't, work will be the perfect excuse.

Ask me (as a nevermo) just how mind bending it is to ask a friend to be in your wedding party, but not invite her to the ceremony. lol

As for Bridezilla, she'll get over it if your wife doesn't go. Or not. If she doesn't, no big loss.

I just want to avoid the fallout of that.

If my wife can back out and not feel guilty, I'll back her 100%.

A real wedding, sure, but not a ring ceremony?

for our nevermo family members and friends, that not only wouldn't fly, it would be hypocritical.

Mrs. Hela can make up her own mind and never mind any guilt! :-)
She can also accept or turn down the invitation graciously.
I'm thinking it's tax season and bad timing (or something similar) and it may be impossible to get the times she would need off at this late date.

The only person's reactions/responses she can control is herself.

I'm sure she can handle it will and ignore any posturing!

Is it a ring ceremony and reception? If she likes this person and wants to congratuate her, then go. If she could care less and doesn't plan to meet up with her in a couple yrs. just to chit chat/socialize....then WHY go? There has to be a connection that will continue in the future or there is no point?

No matter how hard you try, you can never can really leave the Morg behind. . . they just keep coming after you. Because for all their inability to read between the lines or assess the situation, those Mormons just don't get it and will forever continue to come at you. And it's hard for you to just shut them down. That would be rude. Because even if you no longer believe, you are decent people. Welcome to the definition of being a conundrum. I wish I had an answer for you.

I think the real issue is the friend. If she is a true friend she will be dissapointed by your wife turning down the invite to be in the wedding but she will support her decision because it's what's best for the Helamonster family over-all and she will care enough to want the best for your wife and your family.

Don't go due to work reasons and follow with a gush of FB demands for photos, twitter, text, email and other substitutes for presence.

Anagrammy

After your excellent advice to me yesterday I hope I can return something slightly useful to you.

Several years ago I heard a snippet of Dr. Laura (I hate her show but my wife had it on and this part struck me as wise.)

Someone called in with a similar question to yours - whether to go to an out of state wedding to someone she wasn't close to - there were more unimportant details of why it was problematic. Dr. Laura's advice was to think about how if it was worth investing that much time and energy into a relationship that don't matter to her at the expense of relationships and things that did matter.

The pretty obvious answer was no it wasn't worth it. It doesn't sound like this relationship to your wife is important enough to be worth the investment.

If she decides not to go it seems the Dear Prudence approach of "I'm sorry I can't make it." with not additional explanation is the best way to avoid hurt. Then follow that up with talking about how excited you are for her, asking questions about the wedding, honeymoon, groom, etc. An alternative, probably inferior but possible, is to let her throw you under the bus - I'm sorry but Mr. Helamonster won't let me go.

Of course follow this up by a sweet letter saying I'm sorry I can't make it but I'm happy for you. Followed by a brief outline of the good things the relationship means to her. Followed by a very nice gift where some of the saved expense of travelling goes into the gift - but not so extravagant to be uncomfortable.

Finally, my personal bias of what I've seen of weddings. It's not always the case, but often the number members in the wedding party are ridiculously high. It is sometimes more about the bride filling out the wedding party than wanting to share something special with those close to her. If this is case, why sacrifice so much just to be a cast member in the production?

Last year (well, 2010 anyway) one of my long time girlfriends got married. I was not asked to be in the wedding party, however, I was invited to the wedding, which would have required travel. My main concern was that the reception was going to be a booze-fest, and being a sober person, I wasn't all that interested in making the financial investment to participate in that. That wasn't my only reason for not going however. I had also just started college after an 18 year delay and attending the wedding would have meant me missing class, something I did not feel good about.(For the record, I have yet to miss one class in three semesters. That was a totally legit concern!) So, with that as my reasoning, I declined the invitation. My friend was more hurt than I had expected she would be and we had limited contact with each other until I decided to broach the subject with her this past summer.

We took the opportunity to clear the air about why I didn't come, how that made her feel, and some things from our past that played a role in the overall disconnect between us. I'm happy to report that she and I are back to being on very good terms with each other.

Based on my own experience, this is what I'd offer Mrs. Hela by way of advice - Don't go if going would only be to avoid guilt. I think that, like my school reason, the issue that would arise with work should your wife go to the wedding is valid enough of one to beg off. If that ends up being a deal-breaker on the friendship, isn't that telling of why it's not worth going in the first place?

I was incredibely uncomfortable and guilt-ridden over my decision to not attend my friend's wedding (looking after my own needs is still not second-hand to me yet), and despite the year or so of tension that followed, know it was the right decision for me at the time, and my friendship has survived.

I hope something in this is helpful.

Since your wife does not feel as close to this person as she thinks, why continue the charade at such a huge inconvenience?

She can tell her truthfully that it's impossible to get away and send a nice gift.

If the fringe friend is hurt that's her problem, not your wife's.