Ongoing struggle with my abusive girlfriend continues...
Is there any tie between BDSM submissiveness and being a victim of abuse?

In the church I always had to hide my need to be disciplined sexually and basically all my other sexual desires. But since I've been able to explore them, I've had a problem with encountering controlling/abusive partners.

Are they naturally connected? Can it be healthy?
I don't like crazy out-there BDSM rituals. I like to be spanked (sorry TMI) and I like a good, masculine (male or female), dominant, assertive partner. I like a little possessiveness too. Do my desires naturally lend themselves to being abused? I only like these things in bed, not in life. In life I tend to be the dominant partner.

It doesn't completely add up to me, only because in BDSM, both partners agree to what level of domination is allowed. The biggest misconception about the BDSM lifestyle is that the dom is in charge, when in reality it's actually the sub that sets the rules and limits.

One of the things i learned, if a person was abused as a child, they sometimes are working those things out with sexual acts. It sounds kooky and weird, but I think it's accurate.

I don't know. I had an extremely idyllic childhood, but I remember being turned on by spanking since 5. If anything, that is my sexual orientation, far more than a gender. (And no, not my own parents spanking me...I never got spanked. I mean like, on TV or in cartoons, or in books).

It could help you find out who you are and why you are that person.

And that's why you'll need a good therapist to figure this stuff out. A professional objective opinion is (IMO) the best way to pick apart these kinds of issues.

This is a terribly complex issue, and I would urge your to find some personal, professional help.

Yes, many people are able to find healthy relationships with a BDSM component. However, you indicate that you are currently unable to do this. You need to work out what has been leading you into abusive relationships before you continue exploring this path.

It is quite common for people who were sexually repressed to discover a strong desire to be sexually dominated. When sex is taboo, the mind seeks an outlet, and fantasizing about being forced to do something that you're not allowed to want is a common reaction.

You are likely to get a lot of different opinions on the BDSM thing. It can be very healthy and satisfying if you and your partner are both stable and compatible, but it can also attract abusers. You are emotionally vulnerable right now, and you might consider working on that before you focus on the sexual experimentation.

Pista Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> This is a terribly complex issue, and I would urge
> your to find some personal, professional help.
>
> Yes, many people are able to find healthy
> relationships with a BDSM component. However, you
> indicate that you are currently unable to do this.
> You need to work out what has been leading you
> into abusive relationships before you continue
> exploring this path.
>
> It is quite common for people who were sexually
> repressed to discover a strong desire to be
> sexually dominated. When sex is taboo, the mind
> seeks an outlet, and fantasizing about being
> forced to do something that you're not allowed to
> want is a common reaction.
>
> You are likely to get a lot of different opinions
> on the BDSM thing. It can be very healthy and
> satisfying if you and your partner are both stable
> and compatible, but it can also attract abusers.
> You are emotionally vulnerable right now, and you
> might consider working on that before you focus on
> the sexual experimentation.



^ this ^

anonymousgirl Wrote:
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> I like to be spanked (sorry TMI) and I like a good, masculine (male or female), dominant, assertive partner. I like a little possessiveness too. Do my desires naturally lend themselves to being abused?

If that's all it is, I would say that you like a bit of rough play, not really BDSM. Your desires fall within a normal range of sexual expression. Perhaps the key word there is "play." Such play is never undertaken in anger and is always consensual and controllable.

Possessiveness is a tricky area. When taken to extremes, it's a characteristic of abusers. Your lack of self-esteem is what leads you to tolerate abuse. If you take steps to improve your self-esteem, you will be able to attract and cultivate healthier intimate relationships.

>Do my desires naturally lend themselves to being abused? I only like these things in bed, not in life. In life I tend to be the dominant partner.

You've answered part of your own question. You like these things in the bedroom, not in life.

BDSM should always be Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

http://www.rcdc.org/articles/tamar-ssc.html

Abuse is not BDSM. BDSM involves exchanging power with someone you TRUST. An abuser, by definition, is someone you can never trust. Even the most hardcore, 24/7 submissive slave requires trust in their partner. Anything less can lead to abuse, devaluation of the person, and unwanted violence.

As far as liking aspects of BDSM, some of it is hardwired into us already. Power is sexy. Submission is sexy. Sex and fantasy can be dark and erotic. The virginal missionary, lights out vanilla sex just doesn't cut it for most.

BDSM and its associated desires, really isn't the problem. In any relationship, there are things a person will do and not do in and out of the bedroom. If those boundaries aren't adhered to, you have someone that doesn't respect you.

The real trick is learning not to excuse abusive behavior. BDSM can be just another excuse. You'll find similar excuses with vanilla abusers.

Once you recognize an abuser, cut them out of your life. They're broken and can't change, nor is it your job to fix them, sympathize with them, or enable them.

BDSM isn't about being "messed up" or "having a bad childhood". It isn't an excuse for bad or unsafe behavior.

I think there is a connection between sexual repression and submission.

My ex-wife came from a sexually repressed household and when we were married I noticed that 'light' bondage (even just simulated bondage) or if I took complete control of the sitution would actually help her let go and enjoy the experience more.

My theory is that being dominated and pretending like she had less power allowed her to avoid the guilt associated with having sex.

She also liked to get spanked, not really my thing but it made her happy.

You're confusing what you like sexually with how you should be in the relationship. Perhaps in your mind, you are thinking that you need a controlling personality as a partner so that you can have what you want sexually. This is not true, and in fact, if you are with someone abusive you will not be able to relax and enjoy because you will not be able to fully trust that your partner won't hurt you.

And, you have not actually described BDSM at all. In true BDSM before you really do any of the major stuff, it is agreed to beforehand with a way have it stop if at any point it feels threatening or unsafe. What you've described is someone who likes to be a bit submissive in bed. I would guess (this is also me) that since you are a sexual person but that you weren't supposed to be sexual you were supposed to be super pure that your fantasies ended up centered around submission. If it is NOT your choice then you can just be free to enjoy without having to feel guilt.

Is this what you truly like IRR? That's a more difficult question. You might find that if you have a balanced partner that you like more than just being submissive, you might enjoy a broader variety of expression.

I'd suggest when dating that you should take more time to make sure you are being treated well as a person before getting intimate and make sure you are not with an abusive personality. You can also make sure that your limits are respected and test that the person will stop when asked.

Also, +1 on talking to a therapist about some of this, or at least getting some self-help books (my preferred method.) You need to figure out what you're doing and what you want I think.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 01:39PM by polymath.

It's beyond the scope of this board to address these isssues... Find a support group and a therapist who understands addictions and codependency...

You'll want to rigorous cross examine yourself on the "payoffs" for these behaviors and be willing to forgo them in order to make some serious changes...

You don't have to make those changes; this is a free country, and you're at liberty to choose to remain miserable...

I would check out http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/

She blogs about healthy relationships, BDSM, feminism, communication with your partner--and she's funny! Although I don't believe spanking really falls into the category of BDSM (it's just "rough play" according to her), she still would probably have plenty of good advice if you read some of her posts. Abuse has nothing to do with BDSM, because BDSM is about consent, pleasure, and good communication.

I don't think liking to be submissive or liking to be spanked during sex are indicators of a bad childhood or sexual repression. Some very emotionally healthy people who had happy childhoods are into some intense BDSM stuff. They would say it just feels like their sexual orientation. It's what they like.

I like to be spanked too, and yeah it definitely feels like an orientation--I can have a decent sexual experience without being spanked, but you can bet that I am fantasizing the whole time about being spanked. And the best sex is when I'm actually being spanked by my partner.

Sorry you're dealing with all this. Good luck, I'm sure things will get better and I also think talking to a therapist could help you.

I could see abusive personality types being attracted to being a dom in an BDSM relationship, but I don't see being sexually attracted to dominating in BDSM necessary leading to being an abuser. The real question you probably would have to ask is why this person is turned on by this role. There are probably lots of reasons, and by taking it slow, until you find out who that person is, you can probably figure out if they are safe.

I'm not a sex expert, or a trained councilor, nor have I done a lot of research into it. Besides seeing a therapist, which I think you should do, you might also read up on sexuality, and fetishes, and what are the driving forces behind them.

BTW, if you ever figure out why I go crazy over women in boots, let me know.

BDSM and abuse are sometimes intertwined, but often mutually exclusive. If a BDSM relationship has turned into abusive, then it was abusive to begin with, IMO. This has been addressed thoroughly in this thread already. Without trust, respect, and consent, it's not BDSM... that's just abuse.

What I wanted to address was this: I know a lot of sexual abuse victims who are BDSM freaks. Does that mean being abused sets one up for this kind of thing? Not necessarily. Not all submissives are former abuse victims. Some choose to be the dom.

All I wanted to say about this is, in a healthy, mutually trusting and respectful relationship, BDSM can be a great way to work out one's power issues. I am a very dominant person during the light of day, with my clothes on. I am not obedient and will not be told what to do. I tend to be that way in bed as well. UNLESS. I happen to be with someone who I trust deeply and with whom there is a great deal of mutual respect and great communication. If that's the case, then I can explore my inclination to want to let my partner be in charge.

For me, it works this issue out: As a woman in the church, you are constantly told to be obedient, keep sweet, never question, never argue. And when you are submissive 24/7 in the church, you are often punished for giving away your power. But when you are in a loving, trusting, respectful, and communicative relationship, you get a chance to give up your power to someone else and be rewarded for it (with physical pleasure). Rather than being treated like crap for rolling over and taking it (and being expected to continue to roll over and submit to lousy treatment), one is rewarded for giving a gift of trust and respect. So if my BF decides to frisk me and whips out the handcuffs, I obediently and happily comply... because he's not going to make me feel like a trashy whore for liking his domination. He's going to make me feel like he worships me because I so freely gave him the gift of trust and intimacy.

That is a little bit more personal than I'm comfortable with, but I had to write it that way so you'd understand that BDSM is about playing with power. It's an exchange, supposed to be a fair trade. If the dom does not respect the limits or punishes the sub for trusting, that's abuse.