Here's the scenario: My old BYU roommmate is in town on business and we are going to have brunch tomorrow. I suspect she isn't LDS anymore - she posts photos of herself on FB in tank tops, her husband isn't LDS and when we chatted, she and I both threw in a few swear words (although in fairness we both swore plenty at BYU). I'm sure she thinks I'm still a Molly Mormon. I'll bet if we both order coffee at brunch, the subject will come up but the problem is, I left because I studied my way out and I don't want to be rude if she still believes in the church and is just inactive.

Another scenario: My BIL has always been the "bad boy" of DH's family because he wobbles back and forth on his membership status. Usually he's inactive, lets someone else baptize his kids, doesn't attend the temple etc. But he still wears his garments (probably for the sake of his TBM wife) and still lives the WoW and acts Mormon. On the rare occasions the subject comes up, he says he can't stand Mormons - the people, not the church itself. In this case, I'd let sleeping dogs lie and let him bring up the subject except I know he's been dying to ask me why DH and I didn't attend my other SIL's temple wedding. He hangs around me more than he used to and when Mormonism comes up, he seems like he wants to ask me what exactly is going on but doesn't want to pry. I've dropped a few hints that I agree with his non-attendance, which have seemed to make him very happy, but he is obviously hesitant to bring it up and again, if I bring it up and talk about how I studied the church and don't believe in it any more, I don't want to insult him if he's a believer who just can't stand to hang out around Mormons. Sometimes JackMormons are the strongest defenders of the faith.

So what do you do when you meet someone from your past and you are no longer LDS and you suspect they aren't either? Do you bring the subject up, let it come up naturally or let it slide and not worry about it? It's so nice to hang out with old friends who are exmos but they (and I) give such mixed messages sometimes that it's hard to just be straight with each other.

In scenario one I would start talking about about the wilder times and things you 2 did at BYu that would be frowned upon by the school (everyone thinkd they are rebels in some way) and after laughing it up for a while ask off hand "..how did 2 free thinking women like us ever end up in that place.." with a smile and see how she answers. If it's with a faith afirming answer, well...try to enjoy the meet up anyway. If it is a "..I don't know...I would never go back to a place like that again..." answer then let er rip!

If it's a simple "I don't know." then you will have to probe further. Ask her what she does on weekends (maybe she goes to husbands church). Tell her that you don't go anymore to put her at ease in case she is worried about offending you. Poke a little fun at an over the top Mormon you both knew, and see if she defends them. Gather your clues, then tell her of your beliefs in a way you judge best after gathering your clues, and let her decide how to react.

A friend of mine from early teenage years got in touch with me on fb and just came out and asked me, and we both gave a huge sigh of relief, and moved on.

1st Scenario, to your old YBU friend I would say: "Since the subject hasn't come up, I wanted you to know I'm a full-fledged apostate now. I don't mean to put you on the spot, but if that's something you don't feel uncomfortable talking about I have some hilarious stories to tell you. Otherwise, forget I mentioned it." (then take a sip of your coffee while maintaining eye contact)

2nd Scenario, to your BIL I would say: "I don't know if you know this about me, or if you've heard people talk, but I'm a full-fledged apostate now. If you ever want to ask me anything about why I no longer believe the church is what it claims to be just let me know. I'd rather you hear it from me than someone gossiping behind my back."

I find direct approaches to be the most effective. :)

If they are still believing, they could be offended at the implication that you think they aren't good members. Saying that your religious views have changed shouldn't offend anyone, though. You could even say something like, "I've known you a long time, and I feel like you are open-minded enough that I can talk to you about how my religious views have changed." If they volunteer information about themselves, you're golden; if not, they're at least more likely to be sympathetic than offended.

Good question - I've wondered that myself about a few people, but I'm afraid to ask.

Sorry, but I don't have any suggestions.

Just put your status out on the table. Ask them what they think of that. Then you'll know and so will they. No more dancing with elephants

I don't see why telling someone you don't believe anymore would be offensive. They might be sad or disappointed but they shouldn't be offended (from my personal experiences). If they ask for further clarification just respond respectfully and with tact. Don't say "because I found out Joe Smith is a lying pos pervert."

I would think telling inactives would be much much easier. Who knows, they may not believe themselves or they might truly be interested in why you don't believe. Some people are on the fence and need a little support and nudge to the other side.

I was surprised by the number of people who don't believe anymore but don't bring it up.

It's pretty obvious from my facebook profile that I'm not into the church anymore, so I've fielded many a question from curious TBMs. For my religious views section of my profile, I put "Religion is Interesting" and left it at that. Basically, by looking at that, combined with the photos of me in bars and wearing "immodest" clothing, my political leanings, and feminist attitudes, anyone with sense is going to know that I'm not doing the church thing anymore.

The super-TBMs haven't been shy about asking, and I've got my standard polite responses. But, I've been really lucky that, as it turns out, a solid portion of the kids I grew up with are also no longer involved in the church and it seems like most of them are really glad to know that I'm out too. I've had a few really great exchanges about Mormon-related issues.

I have had to bring it up a few times with people who didn't figure it out (though it should have been obvious). Those conversations went something like this "I don't know how you feel about the church these days, but I wanted to let you know that I'm not a part of it anymore. It doesn't change how I feel about you though-- I really value our relationship and all the fun we had growing up. It's not about that at all." and then if they were still TBMs, they were either cool about it, or tried to 'reactivate' me, or never responded and defriended me. If they weren't TBM's, they expressed their total relief because they wanted to ask about it but didn't want to stir things up.

I've had some very healing, liberating conversations as a result. One in particular was really special. I met up with a guy I grew up with. He was the younger brother of one of my brother's close friends, and cousin to a few others, and part of a really strong, huge, multi-generational TBM family. As soon as I said that I wasn't in the church anymore, he expressed his total relief and came out to me, and told me that he was so grateful to know that he could truly be himself around. It seriously makes me cry to think about it still. It was really special and it made me feel a great responsibility to respectfully let people know that I wasn't in the church anymore.

So, I'm all about just being frank about it and letting the chips fall where they may. At best, you'll strengthen relationships with people who are able to cope with the real you. At least you end up knowing who your friends are.

My youngest brother--when we finally got down to the nitty gritty--said, "You have finally given me permission to not believe any longer." For a while, he kept asking me, "Now, you really don't believe, right?!?!?"

He had been inactive since age 16. I have 2 other siblings who have been inactive since their teens. My sister hates mormons, but still goes, though she was inactive for a while.

BUT for a while my one sister started acting like the jackmormon you mention--actually preaching to me. No longer. Me--the ultra-religious sibling no longer believes. It was rather an eye-opener for all of them.

Thanks everyone - Really great advice. I'll just keep it about me at first and if they want to expand the conversation, I will let them. Otherwise, we will move on and talk about other things. The funny thing is that with TBMs, if you say you aren't Mormon any more, that is all they need to hear to feel you are attacking their beliefs. But with the two people I mentioned, I doubt very much either would take it badly if I told them straight out how I felt.

Wish me luck because I'd love to have two more friends in real life who know the real me. I'm slowly increasing the group of friends I have who see me as non-LDS and adding new friends. But old friends I can trust I am in desperate need of right now.

That is the best way. Just say "Hey man, I'm no longer a member".

When they ask if you've been exed, tell 'em "naw,I quit".

Then the ball is in their court.

No one Got nasty with me, but then again, I was 6'1" & 275 lbs.

Those who knew me had no reason to feel intimidated, but others....? I guess i can be a real jerk when dealing with the "self righteous".

It's happened to me some three times now. I just say, Hey, you still active in church? They say, No! As a matter of fact, I quit!

I see nothing wrong with just asking. NOT asking and hem-hawing seems like such a Mormon thing to do.

If the subject comes up, I just state that I resigned my membership and usually leave it at that.
If it goes further, I might say something like: I changed my mind, wasn't working for me.
I'm much happier now.

There is so much more to our lives than our religious views! So, I usually stick to other subjects.

I would be thrilled to hear someone I hadn't heard from in forever had also extricated themselves.

Drdad had an uncle who had been the family black sheep and inactive and married to a Lutheran. He and the uncle were never close because of this. When we left the church we never really mentioned it to anyone, they pretty much noticed.

But we were somewhat estranged from this uncle so he didn't even know we had left until years later. He has since died and we keep in touch with his wife. Drdad recently shared our exit story with her and apologized for not bringing them into the loop at the time. Our error for sure - please don't do the same! We heard that as the uncle was dying he learned that our family had been out of the cult for a long time. He cried happy tears - but we really missed an opportunity.