Alright, We've had this neighbor since last Summer. She's in her 70's at least. Her family and friends helped her move in. A lot of clean cut cub scout/boyscout mormon looking boys helped out and her own adult kids looked clean cut as well. My first impression was they're probably Mormon and she may be also. Until I had a conversation with her one day about religions, spirituality and she wasn't real clear if she was Mormon or not, but when I told her how we used to be active but no longer for many reasons on top of all the lies we've been told, she said, They're all liars. She seemed to have a fairly good understanding what I was talking about. She may be inactive or just bitter, because her mind set is very conditional based. I have been helping her move larger heavier stuff from her car to her place several times since last Summer. She really only seems to show appreciation and friendly once I've helped her. Today she asked me to bring her 20 lb bag of kitty litter from her car to her place again. I already did this once for her, and those things can get pretty heavy walking down a declined slope.

When I told her I'd do that for her again, (reluctantly) "since she always seems to ask (only me) to help out", she was grateful until.... I asked her if there are less heavy, smaller bags she could buy. She said yes, but they cost more. I was trying to give her other options instead of counting on me or someone else to help out. Then I told her, "what's going to happen when we move and I'm not around or I end up working full time or going to school full time again soon? You'll have to ask someone else."

Her immediate reaction she said to me was, "No one has ever made me feel that way" as she asked for her keys back and gave me a dirty look. I told her, "don't make me look like the jerk here, I have done a lot to help you out in the past; I'm willing to help out whenever I can, just not all the time. I have a life of my own too." Then she asked me in a blunt tone "How many times have I asked you to help"? I told her, "several." Then she denied that or had forgotten and said "a few times". then she walked back inside with a disgusted look on her face.

I could not believe the attitude that was coming out of her, (trying to make me feel bad for telling her straight and honest reality) especially after I brought her new hd tv down from her car, set it up, and gave her our brand new $35.00 digitally enhanced bunny ears so she can receive more channels. Many other times I helped her with different things so she won't have to bust her back or fall doing things herself that are too heavy or strenuous. I didn't have to help her. I could have said, no, but I don't have the nerve to tell someone flat out no like that. I guess she won't be asking me for help for a long time or ever again. Good! because I don't want to help anyone who's going to treat me like that! Brings back too many horrible memories growing up in and out of the Morg and how my own mom would hold shit against me if I didn't do as I was asked.

She has told me in the past that none of her family members will come to help her around the house. I had my suspicions why they weren't helping her out, because she gossips and talks crap about others behind their back, and now I'm starting to get even a clearer picture why no one wants to help her out, as she blatantly makes them feel bad or guilty if they don't help.

Mormon? Ex-Mormon? inactive Mormon? or just a bitter old widow?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2012 12:18AM by freshperspective.

Or just a narcissist.
I'm switching between RfM and this site right now:

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

Itzpapalotl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Or just a narcissist.
> I'm switching between RfM and this site right
> now:
>
> http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

is there a Son's of Narcissistic mothers site? I don't know if my own mom is, but maybe this old lady (our neighbor) is. Sounds interesting.

I don't know, but google is your friend. This website is immensely valuable either way, especially the page with the narcissistic dictionary.

Often I have to depend on others for rides. Fortunately I have a few, and when my PTSD is better, I run errands on my own. I always prefer going on my own, but sometimes cannot. Often I have gone without necessities so I would not have to ask for help. Over the years there have been few people with the ability to help without belittling me, making me feel I owe them something, being condescending, reminding me of how I am wasting their time, etc. Morgbots do this far more than others. I have often told people to please do not agree to help me if they really do not want to (because I cannot deal with THEIR crap). EXAMPLE: One friend would call me when she was going to the store. We had a good time shopping, and no one felt belittled. Another friend never let me go with her when she went, but made special trips, and then acted like I was wasting her time. She would treat me like an 8 year old, even loudly bossing me around in the store. At times I even went inactive, rarely asked for assistance, and did without, because I could stand LD$ bull$hit.

If you really wanted to tell her the “straight, and honest reality” you would have said something like:

“I will/may be returning to school/work full time, and want to make sure you can get the help you need. Is there anyone you can call in addition to me?” You could have let her know that you still could help at times, but not as often. You could have offered to help her contact your local aging services, and see what services are available to help her. You could have carefully asked about friends, and family. Often family members neglect seniors out of their own selfishness, and elder abuse is common too.

She has possibly been through the hell people like to put others through when they ask them for help. Most members, and a lot of people in general, make you pay a price for asking. They will extract "the price" no matter what. If they have to take your dignity or self-worth they will. There used to be a sign at the workforce services office for the patrons that said essentially, “You have the right to be treated with dignity, and respect.” In other words, because people were in need, no one, even the employees, should treat them as lesser people. It is so rare to find people who want to help or who can help with no strings attached. People who have the maturity to not expect to have their egos stroked, who do not want to be owed, who do not want the other person to feel like $h!* or who do not take things personally. I appreciate help, and work to not waste others’ time. Sometimes people who need assistance do take more time, because of illness, but not on purpose. When I help others, I do not want them to feel beholden to me, because when I do things, it is, because I want to, not to get something in return.

My own dad, as horrible as he mostly was after my mother died, would help a lot of people. Some would give things in return, but most would not. When we visited elderly relatives, it was a given that he would fix every broken electrical item they owned or adjust their televisions. Sometimes he would adjust it, because he knew they did not know how to, because the picture looked so bad. He just liked to help. He himself was retired, and needed the help of others at times after an aircraft accident when he could not walk for six months, and a major heart attack.

It’s not productive to keep score on how appreciative or friendly you think she should be. You don’t know what she’s been through at her age, and she may not feel well. She may be an introvert - they greatly appreciate others, but do not reciprocate like extroverts. Helping should not be about feeding your ego.

Those are really loaded things to say, and the way you said them is all wrong. It’s like you set her up. I don’t mind helping, but............... (add backhanded, passive-aggressive comments here, etc.). This is belittling, passive-aggressive, and unnecessary.

If she really is dependent just on you it kind of sounds threatening. “You know, I’ll help you, but you need to buy smaller items, and btw you’re going to have to ask someone else.”

and you are contradicting yourself:
glad to help, blah, blah, blah....
complaining about her purchases, because they aren’t suited for YOU (when you help, it’s not about YOU)
....you’re going to have to ask someone else, because I might just disappear, and not help (when you just said you would)

Asking an elderly woman on a fixed income to spend more to make your life easier is kind of ridiculous unless you have a real medical reason or hardship. If that is something you are just saying, because you can, and she depends on you, it is controlling, and insensitive. It’s really disingenuous to say you’ll help, but then start dictating the terms, which involves her changing her shopping habits AFTER you said you would help. Even before, it is not proper.

She’s not a mind reader. There’s no way she will interpret a suggestion of smaller bags as invitation to look for other options. An elderly person on a fixed income will probably only be thinking of price, because they do not have much money.

Of course she gave you a dirty look. She was probably shocked.

It’s really rich, that the two of your are talking, and YOU ARE ACCUSING HER of making you look like a jerk. There is no one around to observe you two, and make the observation that you look like a jerk. Really? This is you in your head. It was simply you feeling like a jerk, because you were acting like one. I really don’t think she clued you in to her hurt feelings, and gave you a hurt or distrustful look, because she wants to make you feel like a POS. There are people like that, but I don’t think she is one of those people.

When you catalog your list of helping to someone who is well aware of your help (because she needs it), it hurts them. Now she feels devalued as a person, because you are indicating you resent helping, and that she is a waste of your time (a lot of elderly people already feel cast aside like waste in society). This is extremely belittling. No one likes to be reminded that they are a waste of time on this earth. She is elderly, her kids are grown, and probably away, relationships have come, and gone, and some of her friends have probably died. She may have health or other issues that isolate her. Who wants to ask for help when they are going to be reminded that they are wasting your time, AND you are keeping track. You may not say it, but now she knows you are thinking it.

Exaggerating does not help either. You are not helping ALL the time.

Yeah, those poor elderly people, and their ATTITUDE! You really need to reevaluate what you did, and YOUR ATTITUDE. You were not being helpful here. You helped to exact a price. When she didn't read your mind to meet your needs, you made her feel like $h!*. I have seen this many times in TSCC. The condescension is suffocating. Yes, how dare she not be grateful, even when you used “charity” to humiliate her. Just because you help someone, it does not automatically make you the better person by default.

When you help people they are not beholden to kiss your ass, and make you feel good forever. People are not dogs, and all people are different. You acted like a class A jerk, and she responded accordingly. So you set up her tv, and gave her bunny ears. No one made you, so accept that you gave them to her; she did not ask to be beholden to your expectations - you offered help. It sounds like you have been helpful to her. If you cannot say no, you need to find others who can help you help her, because she may not have anyone else to ask. She may have asked you, because she thought you were nice or maybe, until this time, you were the only one that did not make her feel like a PO$. I really doubt you are her latest “mark”, and she is just like your mother, out to control you for her gain.

Realize it’s not right to take out on others your guilt, self-hatred or whatever it is that makes you somehow feel used or abused for helping another human being. You are feeling resentment for your own behavior, and baggage; this is not her “making” you feel negative. You already indicated by your words, and your admitted inability to say no, that YOU are not being genuine. THIS IS NOT HER FAULT - YOU MADE THIS

Also, consider that instead of reacting in a genuine, and caring way (see what I wrote first) you attempted to pick a fight or at least set out to do damage, i.e. burn bridges, so you would not have to help a person in need. I think you are trying to excuse yourself in a cruel, dysfunctional, immature manner. This woman is not your mother. You need to learn to separate the two. This woman should not have to be the recipient of your anger from your childhood trauma. Once again: NOT HER FAULT.

Her behavior may or may not be the reason others do not help (it is probably more complex that what you think), because from what I read, you have your own issues, but treatment like you gave her is enough to make her talk crap about you, and I would say you deserve it. Nevertheless, we cannot control what others say or think of us. As much as you want her to think or feel a certain way about you, you have no control over that. The fact is you have no idea why no one is around at the moment.

Those two statements:

"No one has ever made me feel that way"
"How many times have I asked you to help"?

are not blatent attempts to make you “feel bad or guilty” to me. She sounds taken aback.

Read again what you said. You are the one trying to instill guilt, and make her feel bad for asking.

Regardless of how you want to psychoanalyze this woman just look at the facts. She needs help with certain things: heavy things, maybe technology, etc. I wouldn’t try to read much into her motives, especially when you have revealed so many relevant issues of your own.

I think you can learn to be more thoughtful, and not give other people motives that really exist only in your head. If you need to, go see a therapist, and learn how to not take your anger out on people weaker than you. Learn how to deal with requests from people without seeing them through the filter of your abusive mother.



Edited 8 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2012 03:23AM by atheist&happy:-).

You completly twisted this around, just like a true narcissist would do. If you have,nt already, you really should read up on that web site, this other person posted in this topic. I have worked with elderly in the nursing home for a few years; I've witnessed and felt major empathy what they go through. I've been many elderly's personal punching bag and tolerated it because that was part of the job to understand their conditions and work with them and help them through it.

This situation is different. She is still physically capable although physically more challenged than healthy adults. I have never kept score! She's the one who brought up the issue of how many times! So I told her the truth and answered her! Although what I should have said was, don't go there, it's not necessary. But she's the one keeping score (or trying to with her memory loss.) Bottom line, she made me feel like crap just after I told her I'd help when I could, but simply and straigjt forward told her, I will not always be around to help. She has no right to make others feel bad or guilty for being honest with her! I've done nothing but helped! Then she throws down her sob story at me in order to try and pull at my heart strings and manipulate the situation. She has done that already to numerous people, and I will not allow anyone to treat me like their personal bell boy and verbal emotional punching bag if I don't help! I'm her neighbor whom should be treated with respect just the same as I've treated her and anyone else.

You on the other hand need to ask questions first if you don't understand what was said word for word, and stop throwing out your own assumptions!

freshperspective Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have never kept score! She's the one who brought up the issue of how many times!

She asked after you exaggerated: “I'm willing to help out whenever I can, just not all the time. I have a life of my own too."

It's a normal response when someone claims to be helping ALL the time, to be called out on how often you actually help. Expect it.

You just said her situation is different, and:

“I have been helping her move larger heavier stuff from her car to her place several times since last Summer. She really only seems to show appreciation and friendly once I've helped her.”

”When I told her I'd do that for her again, (reluctantly) "since she always seems to ask (only me) to help out", she was grateful until....”

You keep track of how she reacts when you help her.

Reread what I wrote. You were NOT being straightforward.

> Then she throws down her sob story at me in order to try
> and pull at my heart strings and manipulate the
> situation. She has done that already to numerous
> people, and I will not allow anyone to treat me
> like their personal bell boy and verbal emotional
> punching bag if I don't help!

Now it appears you're just making things up, because you just said:

> "I had my suspicions why they weren't helping her out,"

You just said she asked for her keys back, and gave you a "dirty" look - so anger, disgust, mistrust, betrayal, shock? Those are the actions of someone distancing themselves from you, not someone engaging you with a manipulative sob story that you conveniently never mentioned until now.

> I'm her neighbor whom should be treated with respect just the same
> as I've treated her and anyone else.

Like I said, just because you help, it does not make you a saint, does not make you pure, and without self-serving motives. There are sociopaths who are "helpful" for the sole reason of getting something in return or abusing their victim. Playing mind games is not being respectful of her, and you cannot demand respect, especially after how you acted. We cannot dictate how others feel.

atheist&happy:-) Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> freshperspective Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > I have never kept score! She's the one who
> brought up the issue of how many times!
>
> She asked after you exaggerated: “I'm willing to
> help out whenever I can, just not all the time. I
> have a life of my own too."
>
> It's a normal response when someone claims to be
> helping ALL the time, to be called out on how
> often you actually help. Expect it.
>
> You just said her situation is different, and:
>
> “I have been helping her move larger heavier
> stuff from her car to her place several times
> since last Summer. She really only seems to show
> appreciation and friendly once I've helped
> her.”
>
> ”When I told her I'd do that for her again,
> (reluctantly) "since she always seems to ask (only
> me) to help out", she was grateful until....”
>
> You keep track of how she reacts when you help
> her.
>
> Reread what I wrote. You were NOT being
> straightforward.
>
> > Then she throws down her sob story at me in
> order to try
> > and pull at my heart strings and manipulate the
> > situation. She has done that already to
> numerous
> > people, and I will not allow anyone to treat me
> > like their personal bell boy and verbal
> emotional
> > punching bag if I don't help!
>
> Now it appears you're just making things up,
> because you just said:
>
> > "I had my suspicions why they weren't helping
> her out,"
>
> You just said she asked for her keys back, and
> gave you a "dirty" look - so anger, disgust,
> mistrust, betrayal, shock? Those are the actions
> of someone distancing themselves from you, not
> someone engaging you with a manipulative sob story
> that you conveniently never mentioned until now.
>
> > I'm her neighbor whom should be treated with
> respect just the same
> > as I've treated her and anyone else.
>
> Like I said, just because you help, it does not
> make you a saint, does not make you pure, and
> without self-serving motives. There are
> sociopaths who are "helpful" for the sole reason
> of getting something in return or abusing their
> victim. Playing mind games is not being
> respectful of her, and you cannot demand respect,
> especially after how you acted. We cannot dictate
> how others feel.


Don't even go there. You have no idea who I am, what my intentions, values and integrity level is, let a lone what my current schedule is and why I choose to do things. So you can stop where you're at. Stop throwing accusations and assumptions. I'm positive I know this lady's nature a hell of a lot better than you do. You need to stop judging my intentions when you don't know my nature. You're only reading what you want to hear, just for arguments sake or to get a rise out of others. You can just fuck right off!

freshperspective Wrote:

> I'm positive I know this lady's nature a hell of a lot
> better than you do. You need to stop judging my
> intentions when you don't know my nature. You're
> only reading what you want to hear, just for
> arguments sake or to get a rise out of others. You
> can just fuck right off!

Do you even know your own nature? Have you tried some introspection?

I stand by my observations. Call it judging, say I am arguing or trying to get a rise. Whatever it takes to make yourself the victim I suppose, but I clearly explained my intent.

Seems to me you're projecting your own experiences onto this situation. I usually enjoy your posts, but your overly heightened defenses here seem to me like it's something you may need to look at in yourself. Even if you don't act this way when you need help, which I would suspect you don't, it seems really odd to me that you would defend someone you've never met and call the OP on behavior none of the rest of us see as problematic.

Believe me, the lady was out of line to act like that. No question about it. We've all had simialr experiences and that's why it's in the DSM manual as classic behavior for a narcissist.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2012 05:43PM by lostinutah.

lostinutah Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Seems to me you're projecting your own experiences
> onto this situation. I usually enjoy your posts,
> but your over;y hieghtened defenses here seem to
> me like it's something you may need to look at in
> yourself. Even if you don't act this way then you
> need help, which I would suspect you don't, it
> seems really odd to me that you would defend
> someone you've never met and call the OP on
> behavior none of the rest of us see as
> problemmatic.
>
> Believe me, the lady was out of line to act like
> that. No question about it. We've all had simialr
> experiences and that's why it's in the DSM manual
> as classic behavior for a narcissist.
+++10 couldn't have said it better! Was thinking the same thing. Just couldn't put it to words as fast. Thanks.

lostinutah Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Seems to me you're projecting your own experiences
> onto this situation. I usually enjoy your posts,
> but your overly heightened defenses here seem to
> me like it's something you may need to look at in yourself.

You have a right to your opinion, and if you see me as defensive then fine, because I certainly don't feel threatened by this post in any way. I am giving insight from my very abundant experience, because the story does not add up.

> it seems really odd to me that you would defend
> someone you've never met and call the OP on
> behavior none of the rest of us see as problematic.

You know, I would not say EVERYONE, and people speak for all sides on this board. Likewise it seems odd to me that you act like this is not the case - like this is the very first time someone has given an actual insight that did not agree with the OP. I've never met the OP either; I am writing based on what he wrote, and my experience.

> Believe me, the lady was out of line to act like
> that. No question about it. We've all had simialr
> experiences and that's why it's in the DSM manual
> as classic behavior for a narcissist.

I disagree. if anything I see the OP's behavior as narcissistic.

Why do you work so hard to identify with a miserable bitter lady?

WinksWinks Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Why do you work so hard to identify with a
> miserable bitter lady?

wondering the same thing, which doesn't make too much sense unless that person has been in her or any miserable old widow's shoes themselves. It just doesn't make sense to defend the accuser (miserable widow) and blame the person kind enough to want to help any way he can, when he can and if he feels like helping(completely up to him), just not become a personal bell boy.

I don't think we know enough to label this woman miserable or bitter.

atheist&happy:-) Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I don't think we know enough to label this woman
> miserable or bitter.

But the people who live near to her might.

My mistake, I thought this was a support group, not a devil's advocate group...

We regularly call people out on their behavior, and it is not bad to try to look at this from the POV of this woman. That's part of true empathy, which I do not see here.

Obviously, I cannot be supportive of the behavior described for reasons I have explained.

Support away. I see lots of support. No one is stopping you.

Be aware that people like this manipulative old lady use your kind of attitude - be empathetic, don;t judge them - against anyone who tries to help them. They will milk your kindness and give them a second chance nature to the bitter end and still bite you in the ass.

They were elderly nevermo sisters. I helped them a few times a month over a period of years. I brought their groceries upstairs for them and set them on their kitchen counter. I cleared their car of snow and ice in the wintertime. I did more for them than any other of their neighbors.

They both had very good retirement incomes, and they drove a nice car. They traveled quite a bit. We were friendly neighbors, often chatting with one another as we came or went. If one of them baked a bundt cake, they would occasionally share half of it with me.

The day came when one of them was no longer allowed to drive. They sold the car, which would have brought in several thousand dollars. One day one of them asked me for a ride to a local store. I was headed in that direction anyway, so I said, "No problem. I can drop you off, but you'll have to find your own way home." Keep in mind that our community has subsidized cab rides for seniors, along with a decent bus system. Well, the woman was visibly angry when I said this. I could see that a sense of entitlement had set in, and that she was expecting me to provide a round trip ride for them. I in turn was hurt by her reaction since I had done so much for the two of them already. I don't know what causes some people to act this way.

Recently I've had a temporary disability. Neighbors helped me at first with carrying grocery bags in, but I got independent as soon as I possibly could. Part of this independence has involved buying smaller sizes of certain items than I might ordinarily.

I would talk to your neighbor (kindly but unapologetically) about what you are/are not willing to do for her. Carrying a TV or other especially heavy object, fine. Routinely carrying a 20 lb. bag of cat litter, not fine. She will either need to invest in a wagon or buy smaller sizes. Don't be afraid to draw appropriate boundaries. You are a kindly, helpful neighbor, not the answer to her every prayer.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2012 10:12AM by summer.

Thank you Summer! I appreciate your understanding of the situation. That's exactly what I tried to do, was set those boundaries with her, but she took it the wrong way, and would not and chose not to hear what I said and meant!

Sounds just like my narcissist sister. Self-centered and all sweetness when you're doing things her way, but really a horrible person inside. I haven't talked to her since she hung up on me for asking her why she always called me to complain about everything, which was four years ago. My brother and I found out she was lying to everyone about how mean we were to her after we'd spent a lot of our lives helping her. He won't talk to her either, nor will her daughter. She tells everyone her family is mean to her. I used to feel bad when someone would say their kids won't have anything to do with them, but now I know that sometimes it's their own fault.

That has them projecting poor judgment and childish behavior.

You've been helpful in the past but if you want to say "no" in the future be prepared to hear her side of the story. Poor me.......no money.........no family.......no friends.......

She sounds so hateful. I'd avoid her if possible.......no guilt.

I had a neighbor who had early stage of alzheimers and expected everyone to jump at her command. She had plenty of money but was not generous. She was demanding. Her 3 kids stayed away. Her grand kids stayed away. UNTIL she could be put in a care home. It was sad to see her get mean. I suspect she was never very loving or kind.

(her dollar to drive her to and from hair dresser was a slap in the face) I didn't want her money. (a dollar?)

Good luck

Why the big deal about carrying a 20lbs bag for a little old lady every so often.

Just help her out for as long as you can. When you can't do it anymore simmply tell her she needs to find someone else.

It makes no sense to build up a whole psychological profile around it.

This sounds to me like a post from someone who has never been there done that (if so, I'm perplexed).

These kind of people will eat you alive if you let them, then when you complain, they make you feel like there's something wrong with YOU.

Avoid like the plague.

It really makes my day to help someone out, even if it's a small thing. The problem is when certain types of people mistake my kindness for weakness. I have been the victim more than once with people who just want to take every single thing they can get for you, then get pissed and treat me like shit when I say no.

It's a valuable skill to know the signs and scripts of sociopaths and narcissists. It saves you a lot of grief down the line.

freshperspective, if you really want to help the lady out, do you have a radio flyer wagon or a dolly or something like that?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2012 02:03PM by Itzpapalotl.

She has her own grocery/laundry cart she uses, but the bag is a bit heavy for someone of her physical challenge with her bad back to heave over the top of the basket and lift it out once it's home. She may have a cart that's lower of some sort as well. Not sure.

For now, for a while I'm not going to approach or talk to her unless she approaches me and or we have to walk past each other which will happen sooner or later since we're in the same building. She already made a huge issue out of me just trying to be honest with her even when I told her I'd still get the bag for her this time around. She fussed and moaned and just told me to give her keys back and told me she'd do it. She basically put up a wall and started a grudge that could have been avoided if she handled it better and understood what I was saying. I just don't want her to be bitter and think I don't care at all, because I do. I just don't care to help someone who's going to treat me like that.

I forgot to mention that she thought I was angry with her last Summer because she thought I didn't acknowledge or wave hi to her as I passed by once in a while. I told her I was busy and I couldn't stop to chat. Of course she's lonely, but she took "my busyness" as a means to tell her I was mad at her or didn't like her. You see how she puts things into her own mind? pretty much could be one of many reasons people don't want to talk to her or be around her much.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2012 03:12PM by Susan I/S.

"She fussed and moaned and just told me to give her keys back and told me she'd do it."

Total passive/agressive narcissist behavior. Run like hell. You've been warned - she will start malicious rumors about how mean you are to her. My brother had the exact same thing in his apt. last year and she did exactly that after he'd been really nice and helped her a lot. These people are parasites.

Yep! She already talks shit behind others backs. She'll more than likely talk behind my back too. I don't care if she does, it just makes her look worse.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2012 04:54PM by Susan I/S.

Been there, done that for a few years in a nursing home. not my fondest job, although did teach me a great deal of patience and tolerating mental emotional abuse. like their own human punching bag. Elderly aren't stupid and at any given chance, they will pull at peoples heart strings, doing what ever they can to adopt you as one of their own until you start helping them, then they feel they've got you. Not good! I just laid it out to her straight. I'm willing to help, just not going to be around to help all the time. then she whined and bitched about it. childish!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2012 03:13PM by Susan I/S.

That's how I see the TBM friend who dumped me cold, as soon as I told her I had left the Church. There are still some times that I miss her and her family, as I was extremely close to her children. They all called me Auntie and I watched them grow up to have children of their own.

But, I realized that I was only a friend as long as I was of some use to her. As soon as I wasn't there at the drop of a hat to help her with stuff, and I didn't believe as she did, I was dumped.

It never feels nice to be dumped by someone, but I now realize that I'm much better off without her.

My brother was like that as well. Being the eldest child, I was the first to have a job and a car. Whenever he'd ask me to drive him somewhere, it was, "Thanks. You're the best. Luv ya!" But when I said, "No," it was, "You selfish witch!"

I finally got fed up with it and told him that I wouldn't drive him anywhere for a year. It worked. I kept it to exactly a year and at the end of it, when I would drive him places again, he never called me names again if I said, "No."

ALL adult relationships have to be balanced to last. This is even more true the older we get because an older person doesn't want to feel needy or pitied any more than a younger one.

If you help a neighbor, ask for a favor in return. You might have to spend a few seconds thinking of what an elderly neighbor could do for you. That involves getting to know them a little, actually having a conversation with a fellow human and finding out what they like to do, hobbies, what they did in their career, etc.

If they have a pet, ask if you can borrow the cat/dog/goldfish to show your nephews/neices when they come to visit. Or better yet if you can bring the kids over to see the pet.

If the elderly person still cooks, ask for a recipe. or if they used to cook, ask for advice on which brownie recipe is the best. If they buy frozen food, ask for their opinion on the best between Marie Callendar and Swansons. Asking for advice always works.

When I moved into the senior facility where I live, I didn't have a car and needed some help picking up something I bought or going somewhere difficult to get to. I put up a sign offering to help people dealing with entitlement or legal issues and computer technology/printing, etc. I now get free bottles of Merlot from one neighbor because I keep his printer working. Another picks me up from BART anytime I need a ride because I help him make phone calls because English is a struggle for him.

I have no hesitation in calling somebody for help because they know I will help them if they need it so there's no awkwardness.

You might say it's up to her to offer you a pie in return and you would probably be technically right. Being proactive about good relationships may mean giving up being technically right in favor of having inner peace. For example, my children hurt me a few times by not calling me on Mother's day. Soon I was dreading Mother's Day. I decided to be proactive about the whole business and so I call them all first thing in the morning and tell them I remember the day they were born and how much each one means to me. End of problem.

Best

Anagrammy

no editorializing, criticizing, judgement, etc.

Make nice, be polite, keep personal opinions to yourself, mind your own business.
Works every time! :-)

Sounds to me like your neighbor may be experiencing the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. Confusion and ill-temper can be part of that.

She truly can't remember all the times she has asked for your help.

There's no good way out of the situation if that is the case.

My neighbor has a heart condition, so I always shovel the snow on her driveway and sidewalks, as well as my own. She, in turn, checks my mail for me and waters my plants when I travel.

She has a good memory, but I still consider it polite to write down my schedule for her, and to check and see that she has read it, and that we both understand whatever agreement we've made to help each other.

Taking care of her dog for her while she travels is a step too far in terms of neighborliness, but luckily, she realizes that. Dog care is the only service I provide for which she actually pays.

If her memory were worse, I would have to bow out and turn the snow shoveling over to her daughter.

Do what works for you, and no more. She's your neighbor, not your mother.

Alzheimer's Disease is usually a part of the ageing process.

Being a curmudgeon is a long time, lifestyle choice.

I suspect she is the latter. Nobody talks to her? Gosh. I wonder why?!

How do those digital bunny ears work? I'm getting tired of paying for satellite.

tensolator Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How do those digital bunny ears work? I'm getting
> tired of paying for satellite.


They work ok. Get several clear channels. Sometimes pixelates and stalls. Mostly good though. Better than tradition antennas. It certainly won't replace satelite or basic cable, but recieves about the same amount as basic cable.

Thank you very much.

freshperspective Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> tensolator Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > How do those digital bunny ears work? I'm
> getting
> > tired of paying for satellite.
>
>
> They work ok. Get several clear channels.
> Sometimes pixelates and stalls. Mostly good
> though. Better than tradition antennas. It
> certainly won't replace satelite or basic cable,
> but recieves about the same amount as basic cable.

tensolator Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thank you very much.
>
Welcome!

We use one of these from One for All: http://thats-entertainmentnews.blogspot.com/2011/09/magic-of-digital-tv-brought-back-to-you.html

I once helped an elderly neighbor lady by taking her grocery shopping every other week or so. I did this for some time.

My 3 kids got older and more involved in outside activities and I found I didn't have the 2 hours or so that it took me to take her, so I offered to do the shopping myself. This worked for a while.

But one day, she called me saying that she just had to have some special sort of garlic and she wanted me to take her to the store to get it. I simply didn't have the time for the whole rigamarole of taking her and said I'd pick some up for her. I sort of ran out of time and didn't go to the specific store that she asked me to go to but I stopped at a store that was convenient for me and picked up the biggest garlic I could find. She was furious with me when I dropped it off, yelling at me that I'd gotten the wrong kind - she wanted elephant garlic. She threw the bag with the large, but not elephant, garlic in it at me.

That was the last time I helped the lady.

Kinda sad, but eventually, I became a nursing home administrator and I look after older people every day. No one throws anything at me because there are built in boundaries and expectations are kept realistic and limited.

leroy