Posted by:
forestpal
(
)
Date: November 27, 2010 03:11AM
I have been where you are. It would come and go. I am an analytical person, so I thought about it, and identified the triggers, the specific things that made me sad during the holidays, and cut them out.
I was sad when the children and I were TBM's, because my ex-husband was inactive, and he never saw the children or me perform, never went to the parties, except the main ward Christmas party, which his TBM parents forced him into. I think I was the very loneliest in an unhappy marriage--even more than I am now, when I'm alone in my house.
Memory contracts and distills the moments, and leaves out all the in-between stuff, like housework, meal preparation, waiting, sleepless nights, etc. I agree with the poster that you--and most of us--sometimes sugar-coat our memories.
This thread has been so good for me! I had forgotten how exhausted I always was during the holidays. I really enjoyed 75% of everything we did, but that dreaded 25% almost killed Christmas for me--until I learned to say "NO."
One Christmas, I changed my attitude. Instead of cramming everything into the hectic weeks before Christmas, I decided to do some of the fun things all year round. For example, you can bake cookies with your daughter for her school class, on an ordinary day. My daughter and I changed the decor of our cookies for Valentine's and Easter, etc. I would try to have a special candle-light dinner at least twice a week. The kids and I would play games together on the nights their daddy had to work
You and your children can sing songs other than Mormon religious songs. Get a Walt Disney songbook. Maybe your kids have a favorite singing artist. My kids sang Beatles songs, and Ann Murray, Beachboys, Elton John, and especially John Denver.
You can read to your five-year-old about science, nature, animals, other lands, fairy tales. Instead of by a roaring fire, you can read together on your patio on a summer's evening.
You get my drift. I took Christmas back from the Mormon church! What was once so hurried, what had once had such high expectations, and had to be PERFECT, became casual, and part of our family traditions. I didn't even tell my family about this.
I loved to sing, besides play music, and I joined the Junior League women's singing group, and we sang at rest homes and hospitals at Christmas, and also during the year. I volunteered at my children's schools, as room mother, PTA secretary, president, school board member, social committee, etc. I was happier working with those people than I was with the Mormons.
I think money cures a lot of ills, and I will assume that you don't have a lot of it, so I won't suggest a family ski trip or a visit to Disneyland or Thailand, etc. When my ex-husband abandoned us, we were poor for a few years, but we played in the snow, built snow forts and snowmen, and had snowball fights. I still hike up the canyon with my dog. I went today, and it was 18 degrees (painful) but sunny and absolutely beautiful! Now the kids are gone, I do a lot of the fun things alone.
You are probably going through a sort of midlife-crisis-in-anticipation-of-an-empty-nest sort of thing. There's really nothing to be afraid of. Think of aloneness as "solitude." Enjoy your peace!
You are still braniwashed! Mormons are numbers-obsessed. People should have lots of children. Even if you have only one, you can enjoy that one child to the fullest, and have a rich, wonderful life with her! I have only one grandchild, and I devote a huge amount of thought, love, and time to her. Unfortunately, she lives far away. There's always someone more alone than you are.
Popularity is also a Mormon obsession. Women, especially, are judged by the number of friends and number of "contacts" for conversion they have. Mormon women often exaggerate their popularity and their happiness. They put on a show of how happy they are, while taking antidepressants and tranquilizers.
Not that there's anything wrong with that! You should see a doctor. Maybe you need to go on an antidepressant for a while, but maybe you have a sluggish thyroid, anemia, vitamin deficiencies, allergies, SAD, a sleep disorder, or something else making you feel unhappy.
Remember, most of the time your phone rang, it was some Mormon wanting you to do something you didn't want to do.
There is so much to say! You could find others who are in the same situation as you're in. Once, a divorced single neighbor picked me up in her car a few days before Christmas, and said, "I'm going to drive up to the top of the hill, and scream! Come with me!" We both felt better.
One Christmas eve I was all alone. I could have been with my single friends, but I was supposed to pick up the children at the airport, from visiting their father and his wife, so I waited at home alone, because their plane was delayed for 6 hours. Yes, I cried. They had a worse time than I did.
Your children need you to help them get through the holidays with good cheer. Do it for them!
These posts are an inspiration, that we can change our life for the better, when circumstances change.
I have some never-married and divorced single cousins that play dominoes every Christmas Eve. These same cousins have a "wake" to honor their deceased parents, on Christmas Day, and they go to the gorgeous country cemetary, put wreaths on the graves, sing, tell family stories, and go home and eat, talk, and laugh.
I have only one--ONE--friend in a whole neighborhood of ward members that I have known for over 15 years. The Mormons are shunning me, and it hurts. But, I have non-Mormon friends from high school and college, and non-Mormon colleagues at work.
At work, we do "Sub For Santa" for a needy family, and we shop for toys, clothes, even a bicycle, skis, a tree, decorations, etc, and wrap and deliver it all. That is the most fun thing--ever!!!!
If I'm in the mood to make Christmas treats, I do it, and take them to the office. I have a friend who bakes dog treats! She's a happy person, and she sends us a Christmas card every year, with pictures of her dogs with Santa Claus. See? You adapt!
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/27/2010 04:24AM by forestpal.