Last Sunday I was having lunch in a modest cafeteria style restaurant and I heard a patron telling management that her soup was tepid, not hot. "I'll see that it's reheated for you and I'm sorry for your trouble," was management's response.

The other diner at that table said his soup was fine as is and all three involved in the conversation were happily respectful of the others.

The point?

We all have little and big concerns in life but sometimes it's considered rude or picky to care even a smidgen about the small ones. Those who never complain or never object to anything sometimes think this means they are better people than those who try to fix small annoyances.

Often posters will say the less severe slights the morg perpetrates should be overlooked. We need to put our energy into only the most serious offenses.

The flaw in this is that NO ONE will spend all of their time and energy fixing huge wrongs. Realisticly, overlooking lesser wrongs does not contribute in any way to rectifying the huge ones.

All humans have individual pet peeves. I'm sure that includes Mother Theresa, Ghandi, and all of the most esteemed humanitarians living and throughout history. They might have spent a large portion of their time on huge human issues but I'm certain they also cared about a few small inconveniences and preferences as well. Trying to see that people had hot soup might have been something they worked on now and again. They might have strived to get it for their own pleasure as well as for others and in spite of the fact that hot soup doesn't have more vitamins than cold.

So often people on this board like to intimate they are better than other posters because they're not bothered by inconsequential issues like dead dunking, missionary harassment, anonymous cookies on their doorsteps after they've resigned, or being insulted for non-church attendance when they're concentrating on finding the best supermarket buys on breakfast oatmeal and and tuna for their work lunches.

I do not see exmos as more worthy and more high minded who ridicule and demean fellow recovering mormons because they bring up what those highly critical posters consider to be small unworthy issues.

Instead, I think this indicates a blindspot in human caring and a lack of immagination. Afterall, it doesn't take much of an emotional or intellectual stretch to understand that some things will natually bother one person and not someone else.

Thanks for this! I was thinking the same thing...

We're all here for support in our transition out of mormonism--in whatever stage we're in. While we share many similarities, each of us had a unique experience in the morg. It doesn't mean that I expect you all to agree with me every time, but it does mean that I'm not here to be attacked for some random opinion I have (not that anyone has ever attacked me here, but I've seen it happen to others). It's fine to offer a respectful dissenting opinion, but personal attacks are never okay. I appreciate the members of this board for all their comfort and advice during my exit, and I hope to be that for others as they proceed through their own recovery.

And when I say "you" I mean it in the general sense of board members, not you, Cheryl--you've always given me great responses :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/18/2012 09:30AM by nowI'mfound.

I see multiple sides to this:

First, there are so many people who have been told they shouldn't ask for, or even want "hot soup." They are made to feel they don't deserve it, and feel belittled or guilt-ridden for expressing a need, want, or preference. This is abad thing. This is a time when a "little" thing becomes "big" thing because a person is suffering and unable to assert her/himself. The problem isn't so much the soup itself, but the fact that someone has been damaged.

It can also go the other way. There are people who feel their need for "hot soup" is more important than anyone else's needs. They make unreasonable demands, or make everyone around them miserable. They are oblivious to the rest of the diners who have no soup at all while they selfishly argue over a few degrees.

Some people decide that they would prefer not to worry about "hot soup" because they feel that the stress of worrying about soup is worse than eating it, or they honestly don't care about the temperature of their soup and honestly can't understand what all the fuss is about.

Now, some people in the third category try to share their process and end up making people in the first category suffer more. It's okay to share that process and that reasoning, but it's important to realize that sometimes "hot soup" isn't just about the soup.

This is one of the hardest things for many. Break the cycle/inner recording that they are not worthy/qualified/important enough to HAVE a preference. That there is even a choice to be made. Not just in the things being talked about in this thread but in many facets of their life. Part of it stems from LDSInc laying out the road map of "Your Life". This is what you do at this age, this is what you do at that age, this is where you go to school, this is how you pick a spouse, this is how you raise your kids, this is the kind of underwear you buy. Hell, they even try to control the kind of sex you have with your spouse! When this is generational, people have a very narrow frame of reference. Even more so if you were raised to associate with other members as much as possible.

Yes, exactly. So well said. I had such a hard time breaking the cycle because as a BIC it is so hard to even realize it is there. Everything is "almost" lovely when you are in the eye of the storm.

The worst by product of this is that it leaves the person and the family with such a stunted personality.

"sometimes 'hot soup' isn't just about the soup"

That's it. That's what so many don't get. They have no idea how excruciatingly hard it is for some to send the soup back and that it's actually a marker of new found personal strength.

No matter who you are there are people with problems worse than yours, but your own problems are the worst to you precisely because they are yours and they are the ones that affect 'you'.

Ah Something i've been wanting people to understand. Someone walks up to you and says 'i've got a problem.' what do you do? You point at the blind guy and say 'he's got it worse than you chin up.' Then what happens when the blind guy walks up to you and says 'i've got a problem.' how do you handle that? Then what happens if that problem is... 'I must be the lowest of the low as everyone keeps pointing at me saying thair friends with really bad lives arnt blind.'

Exactly. There is only one person on the entire planet who has the absolute worst problems and one person on the entire planet who has the absolute least serious problems. Everyone else is somewhere in the middle.

Where ever you fall in that line up, you still absolutely need to deal with your OWN problems. There is nothing at all wrong with taking your own challenges seriously. There is nothing wrong with valuing your own growth.

It is not selfish to want to reach your highest potential.

Now the interesting challenge in all of this is to see Mormons as just people eating soup too instead of evil cult members out to destroy your life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2012 07:22PM by ronas.

agree, Ronas, But: behavior is the Loudest Voice.
when ppl voice their 'Christian' beliefs, but their other actions put ChurchCo FIRST (faith-religion should be seen as a system of priorities, shouldn't it?)...
Then, some of those actions go to the Core of hurting others, and ChurchCo 'can't see it/them', That Hurts, regardless of how hot your soup is.


just sayin'

'Families are Forever' purports to be their Main Value, doesn't it (refer Howard Hunter, Ensign 11/'94:
"The family is the most important unit in time and in eternity and as such,
transcends every other interest in life."

Of course, I don't just pay for my soup, I also pay for the service. So I would see absolutely nothing wrong with requesting that my soup be warmed up to my preferred temperature. If someone else was happy with the temperature of their soup, I wouldn't expect them to ask it to be heated. How a person likes their food is unique to them. HOWEVER, it's pretty rude to be disrespectful to someone else for being honest about their preferences.

Sadly, Mormons seem to have a problem with allowing people to be unique. We see it with some posters here who continually present THEIR post-Mormon experience as if it was the One True Way. We see it with Mormon interference with legislation. We see it with Mormons attempting to posthumously change a person's religious preference. It says very sad things about Mormonism.

Except they express this idea as "No one should care about being dead dunked because it can't hurt the dead and because it doesn't offend some people."

OR "No one should mention not liking anonymous foodstuffs left on their porch because it doesn't much bother certain posters who think they're superior."

Or "No one should care if mishies harass someone several times a week for years because this isn't as serious a problem as bigotry toward gays or being out hundreds of thousands of tithing dollars over a lifetime."

I don't buy that line of reasoning.

ALL people have preferences and issues both large and small. No one needs to be belittled or considered unworthy of RfM good manners because they bring up issues that don't bother some other posters who also have similar issues in their lives which they don't mention.

Exactly!

Hot drinks are not for the body or the belly.

I like what Pista said. Leaving the church has made me realize a few things. 1) I like "hot soup". 2) I deserve "hot soup" as much as anyone else. 3) Some people don't have soup, so am I justified in complaning that mine is not hot? 4) Some have tepid soup but aren't bothered by it, should I tell them to be bothered?

I can only conclude that I should politely ask for my soup to be heated, or better yet make my own soup. Then I should share it with anyone who wants some and let them eat it as they prefer. But I'll have mine hot, thanks.

I like how this thread isn't about soup.