Hi, I've been out of the church since 1995, have been on a journey of self discovery and empowerment ever since. I'm on a life long quest to undo the abuse I suffered from an authoritative religion, and a dictator/prescription drug addict of a mother and a father who stuck his head in the sand with it all. I've done well, but I'm going to tell you this. I cannot downplay or underestimate the pain of being abused and constantly criticized for a lifetime and what it does to your head.

I've gone without a nightmare for over 3 months now, but last night, I had one that was most vivid, most terrifying nighmares of my life. I was back at home at my current age (42) and once again being criticized, black balled, scapegoated. In my dream a friend came over and was speaking to my mother for about an hour and afterwards she came to me and apologized for having such a horrid mother.

I woke up in heavy sweats. No matter what I personally do to recover, those demons are still there because she isn't recovering. Why should she? She's got my dad and siblings reaffirming to her that it is all my fault and that she was abused as a child and it is acceptable. She's been arrested several times for shoplifting and I got a phone call years ago from my dad,...when I actually still had time for the man...that her problems were all my fault and to stay away from the family.

I was a picture perfect child and Mormon. I survived my childhood, but dang, I hate the nighmares. I know by now that they mean that my head is clearing things, but dang, it hurts so bad when they come.

I found this poem today. It helps.

All is Well

There is chaos, change, unpredictability. Every thing you have known is crumbling, falling apart, disconnecting.
The lies, self deception, secrets, unconsciousness, hate, greed, pain, suffering, madness, and disillusion has all come to the surface. The old is exposed, free floating, and disintegrating.

All is Well

You have yearned for something far greater than you have experienced or can remember. And now your highest deepest longing is being fulfilled. And it comes in a magnificent wave of unconditional, absolute love from the heart of our galaxy.
It comes from the light pulses through the Divine portal of our Sun. It comes from the heart beat of our Earth, And it comes from the depth of your own knowing, the very essence of who you are.

All is well.

And no matter what is happening around you, when you stop and take a breath and feel the gentle profound heart centre that you are, you know without a shadow of doubt that whatever is happening and is about to happen, and can happen.

All is Well.




Thanks.

Hang in there Reload2!

Thank you!

It is true that children who are at risk and who are forced to pretend that "all is well" just bury their pain, but it certainly comes out. Kids don't miss a thing.

overload attempting to resolve past issues when they came up. This helped me greatly. I still deal with the past, but now I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The dreams and nightmares will subside over time. Hugs!

Thank you.

I think for me I'm dealing with the fact that the church was always telling me how lucky I was that my parents adopted me, but dang my mother screamed at me almost daily, controlled my life to the point I had to go "no contact" several years ago. There was no movement on her end at all. Just years of manipulation and enabling. It only got worse, and not "time" has not changed a thing in our relationship, only made me more resolved never to go back because I don't think I'd survive it. The church enables the most horrid of abuse...simply because they believe they are "special", have their "priesthood" and women have a "stay out of the workforce card" and never progress past the age of 18 because they don't have to continually push themselves to socialize with normal society and behave themselves to keep a job, earn a liveable wage etc. So, they are actually enabled to sit home, gossip, gossip, gossip some more and tell their friends how hard their lives are and how their husbands don't make enough and the kids are acting up...same song same verse day after day.

If my mother would have had to get a job, everything would have had to change. I do not buy the garbage that children need their mothers home full time after the first few months. I would have preferred her to have her own job, education so she would focused on herself and not every nit picking move her kids did or did not make. Honestly, for every "I love you when we were infants" was totally destroyed with "I can't wait for the kids to leave the house" when we were young teenagers trying to make sense of the world. It was then that I realized that many Mormon woman want BABIES, not HUMAN BEINGS. They just want to play with dolls, not raise people.

I remember when my brother was on his mission and having a really hard time. He would call home in total distress and of course the thought to bring him home was never on the table. Instead she abused and bled him out. I remember almost separating from my body listening to the conversations and thinking..."this woman hates this young man". There was not a loving word, emotion, feeling or particle of energy for what was left of my brother. To have thought that she was actually speaking to her "son" was to me a frightening thought, because I knew if she could do it to him, she could do it to me and fast forward a year to my own troubles on my own mission, I saw the exact same behavior and I chose to stay and finish my mission for one reason and one reason only.....to stay away from the hell that would have been my life if I came home early. The abuse would have been severe enough that I would not have dared try anything else in my life and I don't think I would have survived it. I stayed so they couldn't hold it over my head that I didn't finish. Pressure??? Abuse??? Really??? You bet. There is nothing good about the Mormon Church. Nothing. Any smile you see is covering up something far more dark. If you don't believe me, dare speak your mind on any topic, not just the church, but any topic that goes against their way of thinking. She just how much they love you then.

Thanks.

That last line should read..."Just see how much they love you then". Oops.

Thanks reload, that poem speaks to my experience, so well...

smiles and love to you, it's only a dream, there it goes...

Nightmares were so common for me that I actually trained myself as a child to do lucid dreaming and change the nightmares into something I could handle. My family is the same as ever they were. Like you, I had to put distance between us too. It sounds like my parents are a little more functional than your mother, which means I can now have limited contact with them without melting down or going into a black depression. I don't know if that will ever happen in your case since your mother seems very self absorbed -- my parents were at least able to realize that they weren't going to have ANY relationship with me if they didn't learn a little respect.

What I'd like to encourage you about, though, is that the nightmares get better. As you grow stronger and educate yourself about your nightmares they will grow less difficult. I still have nightmares but they are generally quite tame compared to my childhood nightmares and I can usually figure out pretty quickly what is triggering them. They are actually beneficial to me now because they help me back away from toxic situations faster.

So, good luck, hand in there, and keep on keeping on. It got better in my life and I'm confident it will for you too. You're doing everything right in that regard. :)

Hi Reload2-

I've been a parasomnia sufferer since I was a little girl. I have the whole shabang- nightmares/terrors, insomnia, anxiety, sleep walking/talking, sleep paralysis, RLS... I am also a survivor of childhood abuse and adult trauma. Here's a few things that might help you understand why you had such a vivid, intense dream.

Sometimes, when we feel our safest and most secure, our minds can process parts of trauma we couldn't previously. We've become able to deal with it subconciously finally, even if conciously it makes us feel horrible for a few days. For me, the best thing to do is to get up and walk around for a moment and maybe get a drink so I don't get the "recycled nightmare" experience. Also, writing down your dreams might prove helpful and even getting a dream dictionary to see if any of the definitions might give you insight.

Another thing, you might be amazed at the small things that trigger any trauma and subsequently nightmares. It could be something like a scent or catching the end of of a song.

Occasionally some foods can aggravate it as well and medications (like trazadone) make dreams super vivid.

Like Rebeckah said, lucid dreaming is something you have to teach yourself and it doesn't always work. One of my exercises has been to calmly tell myself at points in the day to NOT dream about these things and if I do, this is how I will escape....

Hope this helps a little. Talk therapy has also been immensely helpful for me.

Thank you.

I will give all your suggestions some thought.

I too have had them since I was a child.

I'll work through this.

I am 57 years old and I still have dreams I am living at home at my age in my patents house. I did not have a happy childhood. The dreams are strange. But they are just dreams. It did take a long time to learn to let go of them right away. But I did it. I am sure you can too. When you wake up make yourself smile and take over the control. It will in time become a habit. Hang in there YOU ARE WORTH IT!