Posted by:
Reload2
(
)
Date: February 17, 2012 06:09PM
Hi, I've been out of the church since 1995, have been on a journey of self discovery and empowerment ever since. I'm on a life long quest to undo the abuse I suffered from an authoritative religion, and a dictator/prescription drug addict of a mother and a father who stuck his head in the sand with it all. I've done well, but I'm going to tell you this. I cannot downplay or underestimate the pain of being abused and constantly criticized for a lifetime and what it does to your head.
I've gone without a nightmare for over 3 months now, but last night, I had one that was most vivid, most terrifying nighmares of my life. I was back at home at my current age (42) and once again being criticized, black balled, scapegoated. In my dream a friend came over and was speaking to my mother for about an hour and afterwards she came to me and apologized for having such a horrid mother.
I woke up in heavy sweats. No matter what I personally do to recover, those demons are still there because she isn't recovering. Why should she? She's got my dad and siblings reaffirming to her that it is all my fault and that she was abused as a child and it is acceptable. She's been arrested several times for shoplifting and I got a phone call years ago from my dad,...when I actually still had time for the man...that her problems were all my fault and to stay away from the family.
I was a picture perfect child and Mormon. I survived my childhood, but dang, I hate the nighmares. I know by now that they mean that my head is clearing things, but dang, it hurts so bad when they come.
I found this poem today. It helps.
All is Well
There is chaos, change, unpredictability. Every thing you have known is crumbling, falling apart, disconnecting.
The lies, self deception, secrets, unconsciousness, hate, greed, pain, suffering, madness, and disillusion has all come to the surface. The old is exposed, free floating, and disintegrating.
All is Well
You have yearned for something far greater than you have experienced or can remember. And now your highest deepest longing is being fulfilled. And it comes in a magnificent wave of unconditional, absolute love from the heart of our galaxy.
It comes from the light pulses through the Divine portal of our Sun. It comes from the heart beat of our Earth, And it comes from the depth of your own knowing, the very essence of who you are.
All is well.
And no matter what is happening around you, when you stop and take a breath and feel the gentle profound heart centre that you are, you know without a shadow of doubt that whatever is happening and is about to happen, and can happen.
All is Well.
Thanks.