I've heard many people say "go slow" with family when telling them about leaving the church, but I don't know exactly how to do that? How do I tell them part of my doubts, but not actually say, "I don't believe this church and I'm not going anymore?"

Maybe... you don't. Maybe you let the cat out of the bag right away.

The thing about going slow, and easing them into this new situation, is the minute you say you're simply "having doubts," you are given assignments to read scriptures and pray. The minute you say you don't want to go to church, you are lovebombed by HT, bishoprics, and other members who pledge to bring you back to the fold.

It could turn into a years-long process to peel yourself away, trying not to hurt any feelings, but in the end? Feelings will be hurt, either way. I think if you want to do it with integrity, and honesty, both of which are severely lacking in the church, you sit down and have an honest conversation. A sensitive one, albeit, but honest from the get-go. Otherwise you could find yourself being BEGGED to return. Lovebombing is NOT fun.

We started with letting my family know we had some pretty serious concerns with doctrine, history, etc. Most of them haven't followed up and I guess they probably assume we still attend and participate. I know they thought that we'd come out "better and stronger than ever" on the other side of our doubts.

I'm waiting for them to ask, at which point I'll fill them in on my determination that the Church is not true, I don't put any value on it in my life, and I'm finished.

Maybe I'm being a wimp, but it's not something I just want to lay on my mom randomly when she calls to see how her grandkids are doing that day. I'll tell them when the time is right.

With our local ward, we simply asked to be released from our callings, and stopped attending. We gave a little bit of explanation, mostly along the lines of "We need some space to figure things out." Originally, my resignation from my calling was attached to me explaining that I didn't believe in the Church anymore and didn't want to continue devoting time and energy to it, but my husband talked me into keeping it more vague. We are fortunate - our ward leaders are smart and have been very respectful.

Determining that the Church was bullsh*t didn't change how we felt about our ward family - we still want to have warm associations with them, and I don't think that coming right out with our feelings would have fostered the kind of relationships we hope to continue.

Others, however, are driving me nuts. I'm starting to get weekly calls from well-meaning sisters who repeatedly say "I just haven't seen you in forever!" instead of asking WHY they haven't seen me. I'm getting pretty annoyed with what I feel like is just patronizing fellowshipping - I'm sure they just think that we are lost sheep who just need a little more love and we'd be back in the fold.

I guess my point is that it depends on how you want people to view and interact with you from here on out. Direct and up front from the start has its advantages, but so does a little ambiguity and slow distancing. I agree with Yin, though - no matter when your family finds out, they'll be upset.

I see value in not springing it on them all at once. It takes a lot of TBM parents a while to process the idea, and there is no point to having an explosive conversation right up front before they've had time to think it through.

In the meantime, you can bring up occasional issues that trouble you, or just balk at attending. If you aren't living at home, you can drop hints about what you did last Sunday morning that was fun.

You can start conversations about people who have left, and see if you can get the parents to not jump to the conclusion that those people were offended, sinning, etc.

It did occur to me, after it was too late, that a good way to have handled it with my family would have been to bring them on the ride with me.

"Mom, did you know about polyandry? I'm pretty disturbed right now..."

"Bro, what the crap was with blood atonement? How does that jive with the Atonement?"

Just bring up some of the best-buried facts. Even if they don't come to the same conclusion, it would take an effing crazy person not to understand why you got to where you are with it.

Depends on how old you are.

Under 18 - don't say a thing.

Over 18 - tell them if you want.

All up to you and how you interact with your parents.

Main question to ask

What do you stand to lose by ripping off the band-aid once and for all?

For some teenagers, it's better to just wait to get out of the house at age 18 before telling them; because it's just not worth the headache.

This thread topic got me thinking of the old TAXI episode in the DMV.
"What does a yellow light mean?"
Slow down.
"Okay, Whhhaaaatttt dooooeeeeesss aaaaa Yeellllloooowww liiiigggghhhttt meeeannn?

Tell your parents fast, slow, whatever their hearing and understanding capabilities are.

means letting them see that you aren't all THAT devout, and let them get a little bit used to it before you tell them you are completely out.

It will still be hard, for most parents but I think it's a little easier.


Of course it depends on your family. If you are a minor, and you don't want a battle, wait until you are out of the house.

If you have a crazy abusive/controlling family, then prepare yourself to deal with their tactics BEFORE you tell them you left (perhaps counseling or education about abuse). In that case, the less information you give them, the less ammunition they have.

I told my parents we left, but I never told them when we resigned. My mother is still living, and as far as I know, she didn't find out about the resignation. I figured the resignation is non-essential information: The church is false. I resigned for closure and for my own peace of mind. In reality, it doesn't affect ANYONE'S eternal salvation. So why make her fret over it?

I got both of my inactive parents out. It took a few months of me coming up to them, and telling them things I've found during my "coming out" of mormonism. I needed sources though because most of the time, they wouldn't believe me.

I think what really freaked my mom out, is the part in the JoD where it says Jesus was a polygamist... for my dad, it was all the dirty facts on polygamy. Good luck!

I haven't told my parents yet. For me, "going slow" means waiting until the right moment presents itself rather than having the "mum, dad, sit down, there's something I need to tell you..." conversation.

But when I do tell them, I don't want to string it out for too long. It's dishonest to pretend that you have "doubts" when you know without a single doubt that it is all bullshit. Equally, there is no point in portraying yourself as a genuine "Christian", using the Bible to disprove the BoM, for example, if you are really an atheist these days.

If you say you are having doubts, they won't ask for details. They don't want to know what anti-Mormon literature you have been reading. They will just tell you to pray and read your scriptures, speak to your Bishop, strengthen your testimony. If they are in your ward or stake, they will initiate love-bombing. You will have more and more Mormons sent round your house, calling you on the phone, writing to you, and you will have to either continue lying to all these people, or else tell them the truth.

I would just tell them, when the right opportunity comes about.

Most TBM parents and family members will never be able to deal with a child leaving the Morg. Mormon Parents are explictly told by Church leaders they are a failure and their own salvation is in jeopardy if any of their children leave the church. It's pretty much a black and white situation and there is no amount of sugar coating that will change this.

TBM Mormon parents will pray long hours for their prodigal sons and daughters. They will always feel pangs of guilt and fear about the prospect that their families will not be 100% united together in the after life, if a child chooses to leave the church. TBM Mormon parents will always be hopeful that their child will see the error of his or her ways and someday will decide to return to the fold.

What's most troubling to me is that many TBM parents would rather see their son or daughter die, rather than see them leave the Mormon Church and live a free and unfettered, non-Mormon life, according to the dictates of their conscience. This is a very clear indicator that Mormonism is a cult that exercises tremendous control over many of its members.

Some don't tell their parents -- ever. I didn't. My mother was very ill and out of respect, I was not going to tell her things she couldn't handle in that weakened state of health.

I have been going slow with my parents. I stopped attending 2 years ago, avoiding the topic completely until 8 months ago. We were on a family vacation (I am in my 30's) and I sat down with each of them to tell them I had taken a break from the church. I didn't get into any specifics, but just said that I needed to do it for me and so far I was happy with my decision. I talked with my dad a bit about the doctrinal issues, but stayed clear of it as best I could.

Up until a month ago, it was never brought up again. I started talking to them individually about it, as a part of my desire to not hide my beliefs with those around me. Not trying to deconvert them, just trying to be who I am. We have had some great discussions and have been able to find some common ground. My dad even talks to me about different mormon stories podcasts that he has heard.

My goal in all of this is to be comfortable with who I am. I have no agenda in proving them wrong, or anything else. I just want them to know where I stand and respect me for where I am at. So far, so good.

It was easy for us. We started going to the Lutheran church. Our children were extremely well-versed in the Bible, and had a lot of scriptures memorized (that impresses Mormon grandparents, and they assume EVERY scripture probably comes from the BOM, because they have never read the Bible). Whenever they confronted us, we reaffirmed our belief in God and Christ. We behaved better than the Mormons. Accentuate the positive.