No wonder it was a shock given what you had experienced! I think you are right to have the kind of relationship that makes you happy and to be with someone who is compatible with you. What is getting stirred up with me about the thread about your boyfriend (not you personally) is being Mormons left us at a huge disadvantage for talking about and dealing with issues of sexuality. They are so often frightening and difficult to talk about and we close off. Again, that isn't to say you should do anything that bottom-line isn't right for you; at the same time, given our backgrounds (I'm including myself) it can be hard to avoid apportioning blame and assigning defects because sex is something we struggle with. Mormonism gave a very distorted view and scale for this--adultery is "a sin next to murder" for example. (I for one would prefer my wife had an affair than murder me, although I might be unhappy about the former!)

It is too bad you and your boyfriend didn't have this talk under some other kind of circumstances--sounds like bad luck--and if he wasn't being truthful with you, it would worth talking about that, too. Ronas may well be right about it not being so long since he viewed the sites as he says. People often minimize that way. I would also point out that people habitually lie about their sex practices, even to researchers who have no personal stake in the answers. So, while I think it warrants caution, I also think it warrants understanding and discussion.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2012 01:27PM by robertb.

I've been going the other way, but I'm going to contradict myself here.

If this is the only problem in an otherwise great relationship it may not be worth throwing the whole thing away for.

If you want to go the route of keeping it going it probably needs to be based on him coming COMPLETELY clean on what has happened. I doubt he can come completely clean with you standing there waiting for an answer where he is scared whatever he says will destroy your relationship. Perhaps having him write down a full accurate "confession" on paper and then reviewing it with you and then destroying it would be a possible approach. It seems very unlikely that he hasn't at least done some serious fantasizing about being with men if not more - I don't know how you can know if he has come completely clean.

He being bi-sexual doesn't have to be a deal killer if it isn't for you. He will also be attracted to other women. His also being attracted to other men doesn't mean he will necessarily mean he will be more likely to cheat any more than he being attracted to just women - worst case I guess it doubles the pool. It doesn't seem like it is a strong indication that he won't be faithful to you in a committed relationship.

With all that said, I'm still sticking with my initial premise that I believe people are much more likely to stay in a bad relationship than to leave a good one.

Are you willing to take the significant risk of getting badly hurt down the road to enjoy now? Are you able to put this out of your mind enough now to enjoy now? Can you put aside your unhealthy jealousy that every man and/or woman on the phone may be a secret lover? The answer to those questions may be important in making your decision. As my wife & I have been considering divorce one of our thoughts has been that even if all we have left in our relationship is one more day, we want to enjoy that one more day - I strongly suspect that enjoying one more day is going to last the rest of our lives. We both have to put a lot of hurt and baggage to enjoy that next day, but so far it has been more than worth it and we are starting to build a good collection of great one more days.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2012 01:44PM by ronas.

ronas Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

>
> If you want to go the route of keeping it going it
> probably needs to be based on him coming
> COMPLETELY clean on what has happened. I doubt he
> can come completely clean with you standing there
> waiting for an answer where he is scared whatever
> he says will destroy your relationship. Perhaps
> having him write down a full accurate "confession"
> on paper and then reviewing it with you and then
> destroying it would be a possible approach. It
> seems very unlikely that he hasn't at least done
> some serious fantasizing about being with men if
> not more - I don't know how you can know if he has
> come completely clean.
>

OK. I'm having a problem with this. The "this" being that someone has to "come completely clean" and make "a full accurate 'confession'" as to his sexual interests. First, it seems to me to make the assumption that anyone is elevated to that status of judge and the the other is given the status of penitent. That has a a very familiar ring to my Mormon experience. That language of "coming clean" reminds me of the "purity" worries of Mormonism.

It seems to me that often in Mormon relationships one member of a couple becomes the keeper (or jailer) of the other's sexuality, often with the church's blessing. Usually it is the woman who is assigned to monitor the man. This bothers me a lot and it appears to me the way you are dividing up who should be the confessor and who should be the confessee is perpetuating what we got in the Mormon Church. Why isn't it, for example, the heterosexual party have has to "come clean" and "make a full accurate 'confession" of her heterosexuality? It would seem absurd, of course, because we are accustomed to heterosexuality being the norm. It is a rotten system.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2012 07:47PM by robertb.

Robert,

I absolutely agree with what you are saying in principle.

However, in this particular case, I'm reading coffeebeans as being more OK with him being bi-sexual than him covering it up. It seems that for her to be able to move forward in the relationship that she needs a straight answer on what the deal is. It is apparent that what he has given her so far is not a straight answer.