I'm at the top of the mountain and I have no plans to ever leave.

I was lost most of the hike up here, wandering in the fog. I had cold feet. I spent days at a time curled up in dark caves, watching bad TV. I was lonely, antisocial and emotional. Most days, I didn't understand why I was climbing (what was the point?), but today, I'm standing at the top and I can see my life with all its challenges and joys laid out before me and I'm at peace.

Thank you for guiding me.

I've retreated to lurking more than posting on this board lately, but I'm still absorbing and culling your advice.

It feels good to feel whole, and for those of you who are still making that climb, I want to share what has aided me for you to take or leave:

-I study, not just the history of the Mormon church, but everything I can get my hands on. It amazes me how seemingly unrelated bits of knowledge fuse in my head in endless networks. Knowledge truly is power, and it heals me while it inspires me.

-My friends are my lifeline. Since leaving the church, I've made a very small handful of sincere friends who know me down to my guts and they save me. Every. Single. Day. Emily Dickinson said: My friends are my estate.

-I discovered my bliss. After I left, I was depressed and angry and I had to redefine Queen of Denial. Which bits were truly me, and which bits were leftovers from my former religion? At the advice of Heather, I bought a gorgeous handmade journal. I filled pages simply recording things that brought me joy. I made plans. Fleshed out my goals, my thoughts. I consolidated, identified and planned for my passions and now I spend lots of my time devoted to them.

-Yoga. It is my exercise of choice and I take walks in the hills when I can. Meditation cleans out all the crap a few times a week so I can think.

-I eat lots of veggies.

-I drink vodka more than less, but my more is still mostly less.

-Coffee. I'm pretty sure I'm more upbeat when I start my day with fresh ground beans brewed in my French press and enjoyed in my gorgeous mug. Also, I pretty much drink some kind of tea or herbal infusion nonstop throughout my day. I'm a hot kinda girl.

-I started volunteering at a local senior center. This seems to fill a void. I can't articulate what this does for me. All I know is that it makes me happy and I look forward to the days that I volunteer

-I cherish my boys. I am a better parent.

-I cherish my love. I am a better partner.

-Most days I'm just so damn happy I'm not a Mormon drone anymore that I can't stop dancing.

All of the above reads like advice posted on this board regularly. I haven't discovered anything. I just finally dug up some motivation to do it, and it worked. It really truly worked.

Best of luck.

It sounds like you are no longer Queen of denial.
Live happy.

This is the life we all want for our daughters. A life of joy and discovery, of appreciation of THIS life right now.

Imagine what it would be like to go through life mechanically hoping for that better tomorrow, only to find that heaven is about reliving our joy on earth. Mormons? Too bad they wasted all that time...

There is a site that talks about the five things dying people wish they had done differently. Guess what number one is?

I WISH I HAD LIVED MY LIFE AS I WANTED RATHER THAN AS OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT I SHOULD.

Peace to you, Queen of Denial, and thanks for sharing the view from where the grass really IS greener!

Anagrammy

anagrammy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> This is the life we all want for our daughters. A
> life of joy and discovery, of appreciation of THIS
> life right now.
>
> Imagine what it would be like to go through life
> mechanically hoping for that better tomorrow, only
> to find that heaven is about reliving our joy on
> earth. Mormons? Too bad they wasted all that
> time...
>
> There is a site that talks about the five things
> dying people wish they had done differently. Guess
> what number one is?
>
> I WISH I HAD LIVED MY LIFE AS I WANTED RATHER THAN
> AS OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT I SHOULD.
>
> Peace to you, Queen of Denial, and thanks for
> sharing the view from where the grass really IS
> greener!
>
> Anagrammy

Isn't another of the top five wishes "I wish I had spent more time with my loved ones?" After leaving tscc, we all can! That had a lot to do with my leaving last month- spending lots of time on people who I don't even want to be around for the most part. There are always exceptions, and I plan on seeing those good folks as much as I can.

Queen of Denial, you sound so much happier and I hope your happiness only continues to increase. Best to you!

Good on you, QoD!

Your post made my day!

Timothy

Simple pleasures seem so much more intense, pleasurable, and gratifying after leaving. It's beautiful to finally live life for you- then for an organization.

I love your post!
Wonderful!
It's the point of the board, I think. to find that personal formula and live it!

It includes the ingredients you need for a full life lived on your terms. That, in my view, is the whole point of "recovery" - a self directed, carefully crafted formula for being "at peace." For me, being "at peace" or "Making Peace", as it's often said is the goal for my whole life from her on out.

Being at peace and making peace with all of my life changes my whole focus -- it's about being in a state of happiness, gratitude, appreciation, positive thinking patterns, service to others, etc.

If I could bottle it,I'd sell it! :-)

Wonderful post! I especially liked this:

"It amazes me how seemingly unrelated bits of knowledge fuse in my head in endless networks. Knowledge truly is power, and it heals me while it inspires me."

Continuous 'ah-ha!' moments!

We is studying the history of the Mormon church part of your formula?

I ask because I am trying to decide if it will be part of mine. I'm leaning towards, why waste my time on it, I already know it's a fraud? However, sometimes I consider continuing to study it.

I read a handful of books in the beginning, but now I mostly listen to podcasts here and there. I'm not interested in being a mormon historical expert.

It is interesting though when mormon history (the true stuff, not the crap we were talk in church) will make a connection with something else I'm studying.

I say, study enough mormon history to be confident, and then move on to things that actually interest you. Everyones journey out is unique!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2012 10:25PM by Queen of Denial.

Holla girl!! That is great news and it warmed my heart to read it.

When I read the truth(age 22) I sat on my sister's couch(what would I have done with out her? She is pretty much a never mormon, never would tell people she grew up mormon, moved to AZ and CA throughout her twenties, she is 6 years older than me.) sat around for about 3 months reading(this was 3 years ago), and watched all the R rated movies I had missed out on and wanted to see-she had all the premium channels. Life still was horrible. I was entertained by the movies and excess time I had but what about this Mormon thing....ahhh...stress through the roof and to top it all off that's when the market crashed. Yikes! Panic mode... call me droopy the dog for a while there. I went and dated a friend/old flame in NY(jack mormon/non partier). That was not the right answer but it led me to here. I think we both learned a lot. I also was slightly addicted to popping some white pills. I didn't want to feel the pain and anxiety of what I had done and devoted my life to...gone...friends...family...people I thought I knew... poouufff lies. When you take on something like that alone-- You have to become the slayer, if you want something done right, do it yourself.

I am glad you are taking charge of your life and making healthy choices because that is what has helped me. I also wouldn't mind living on the ocean and feeling that breeze hit me. Just getting up and moving is the best start and wanting to be healthy and strong.

I do remember you writing a lot of interesting/good things when I was first finding out the truth. I appreciate you, and all those that have helped me 'make it out safely'. Thank you.