Posted by:
Queen of Denial
(
)
Date: February 22, 2012 01:10AM
I'm at the top of the mountain and I have no plans to ever leave.
I was lost most of the hike up here, wandering in the fog. I had cold feet. I spent days at a time curled up in dark caves, watching bad TV. I was lonely, antisocial and emotional. Most days, I didn't understand why I was climbing (what was the point?), but today, I'm standing at the top and I can see my life with all its challenges and joys laid out before me and I'm at peace.
Thank you for guiding me.
I've retreated to lurking more than posting on this board lately, but I'm still absorbing and culling your advice.
It feels good to feel whole, and for those of you who are still making that climb, I want to share what has aided me for you to take or leave:
-I study, not just the history of the Mormon church, but everything I can get my hands on. It amazes me how seemingly unrelated bits of knowledge fuse in my head in endless networks. Knowledge truly is power, and it heals me while it inspires me.
-My friends are my lifeline. Since leaving the church, I've made a very small handful of sincere friends who know me down to my guts and they save me. Every. Single. Day. Emily Dickinson said: My friends are my estate.
-I discovered my bliss. After I left, I was depressed and angry and I had to redefine Queen of Denial. Which bits were truly me, and which bits were leftovers from my former religion? At the advice of Heather, I bought a gorgeous handmade journal. I filled pages simply recording things that brought me joy. I made plans. Fleshed out my goals, my thoughts. I consolidated, identified and planned for my passions and now I spend lots of my time devoted to them.
-Yoga. It is my exercise of choice and I take walks in the hills when I can. Meditation cleans out all the crap a few times a week so I can think.
-I eat lots of veggies.
-I drink vodka more than less, but my more is still mostly less.
-Coffee. I'm pretty sure I'm more upbeat when I start my day with fresh ground beans brewed in my French press and enjoyed in my gorgeous mug. Also, I pretty much drink some kind of tea or herbal infusion nonstop throughout my day. I'm a hot kinda girl.
-I started volunteering at a local senior center. This seems to fill a void. I can't articulate what this does for me. All I know is that it makes me happy and I look forward to the days that I volunteer
-I cherish my boys. I am a better parent.
-I cherish my love. I am a better partner.
-Most days I'm just so damn happy I'm not a Mormon drone anymore that I can't stop dancing.
All of the above reads like advice posted on this board regularly. I haven't discovered anything. I just finally dug up some motivation to do it, and it worked. It really truly worked.
Best of luck.