Posted by:
SL Cabbie
(
)
Date: February 23, 2012 01:25AM
And I don't care if you're an atheist; right now what's killing you isn't whether there is a god or isn't; it's your trying to do His (or Her) job... Al-Anon will tell you to put the focus back on yourself. You're not doing that.
Sheesh, what do we go back, five years or so? And talk about the "elephant in the living room" situation, this is the first mention you've made of addiction/alcoholism in your family that I've seen. Okay, I'm sometimes not the most perceptive sort around, and I may have missed something, but you've been busy taking care of everyone else (And yes, you're welcome to throw my own advice at me anytime I appear in need of it. There's a reason I know about this stuff). And what happens when a relatively sane sort gets around crazy folks is the sane sort gets crazy, not the other way round.
Okay, here's what I see (amid all the confusion): First, the old codepedent cliché: Expectations = pre-meditated resentment. You'll probably have to tone them down a bit, way down in fact.
Okay, son in recovery has set some boundaries, and as a recovering individual I can see where he's coming from although I can also see it's painful for those around him.
If I were his "treatment sponsor" I might tell him he needs to toughen up a bit, but that would depend if he was six months sober or six years.
It is not your responsibility, however, to set those boundaries for him. Or enforce them...
And the treatment center I worked at had this mantra: "The patient is responsible for his own recovery."
That goes for everyone involved...
Okay, so now it looks to me like the daughter who got her feelings hurt has some issues of her own... She's vulnerable and in a tough situation (Does she have a husband?), but she's also apparently prone being caustic and nasty and hurtful...
My antenna went off big time with her, but then she doesn't appear to be an addict, and her wounds will be out there and raw...
Reminds me of a story about someone in several recovery programs I heard about who called one of her children up and said, "Okay, I realize I'm the one responsible for how toxic things were when you were growing up. Bad news is you're responsible for the solution."
Which leads me to a couple of suggestions: First, per my old sponsor (I nicknamed him "The Gunslinger"), the best way to take care of someone else is to take care of yourself.
Second, since you're the only individual you can change, you'll want to come up with a plan for you. That will involve change and it ain't gonna feel good. I remember listening to a guy I really liked admitting just how much he loved that "hairshirt of guilt" he always put on...
You're gonna feel nekkid for a bit...
Enough now... Okay one more: Spread yourself around... And by that I don't mean spending more of your time "fixing" people... That's what got you into the cesspool... You'll want some activities for you, probably new ones...
Here's a good website, BTW, you can use as a resource as well. But I hope you'll include genuine human contact as well...
http://www.soberrecovery.comNow give yourself some time. You didn't get the way you got overnight (and neither did those around you).
/Dr. Phil voice off