Posted by:
Anon OP
(
)
Date: November 24, 2010 03:46PM
First of all, I realize I have a lot to be grateful for...good health, steady job, and wonderful children, all in the best country in the world.
Nevertheless, I can't help but feel completely pissed off at my situation, thanks to TSCC. I also have a hard time contemplating how I will ever be happy.
I have been a non-believer for about five years now. To make a long story short, my wife didn't take the news very well and I've been living in a scenario where 1) I can leave the church and break up my family (divorce) or 2) I can keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence for who knows how long. The second option includes attending church meetings, holding callings, no rated R movies, no alcohol, no shedding the garments. Fortunately it does not include paying tithing (I refuse) and temple attendance (I can't get a recommend because I don't pay tithing and because I don't believe the church is true). After living in option two for the past several years, I feel that I'm at a breaking point. This sucks so bad!
Doing the things mentioned above isn't even close to being the worst part. I can do those forever if I had to, although its not fun. Hands down, the worst part is being alone. With the exception of a few friends that live hundreds of miles away, I have nobody to talk to who truly understands my situation. Plus, I have to live a lie every day. My young kids are always asking question about God, Jesus, and churches (they are realizing that their friends at school have different beliefs). I always tell them, "I'm not sure" or "We don't know the answer to that" or worse, I find myself giving them the standard LDS response because I know my answer will undergo scrutiny from DW.
Speaking of DW, that's another issue altogether. I love her and I want her to be happy, but I don't know how much longer I can sacrifice my own happiness. I hate that I can't talk to her about how I feel about things. She doesn't even know I'm agnostic. She doesn't know I merely pretend to say my personal prayers at night. She doesn't know I believe gays should be treated equally. She doesn't know I drink coffee at work. She doesn't know I believe in evolution and the big bang. All of these topics are off limits. I have brought up less controversial topics and she has gotten upset and said she doesn't want to talk about it.
To make matters worse, my oldest is turning 8 soon. Yes, you know what that means. He is so excited and of course he thinks Dad is going to baptize him. That's what my wife thinks too. And maybe I will. I can't decide. I'm still in the closet as far as my non-belief goes, except for telling my wife and the bishop. If I don't baptize my son, I guess I pretty much have to come out. My parents, in-laws, siblings, etc. will be in attendance. There will be no hiding the fact that I'm either a non-believer or I'm unworthy, or both. I hate that the church puts me in these kinds of situtions!
Part of me wants to try to put a stop to the baptism altogether. If I'm coming out anyway, I might as well try to save my son from joining a cult, at least until he's old enough to decide. If I do this, I might as well meet with a divorce attorney ahead of time.
Or perhaps I'll keep my mouth shut, baptize my son and allow him to celebrate the day he has been looking forward to for so long. He won't understand why his best freind get to be baptized but not him.
I know I should be thinking about all the things I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving, but I'm sure I'll mostly be dwelling on how much life sucks. I'm sure things will work out for the best in the long run, but I know a lot of bumps in the road, fights, and tears will come first. I'd like to be happy some day, but I know my happiness will break a lot of hearts. I just can't keep up the charade much longer.
Sorry about the long rant. As I said, I'm pretty much alone so I appreciate your willingness to listen and your ability to understand what I'm going through. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!