my son came home yesterday and said he needs money for a pregnancy test for his friend. I don't give him an allowance so he doesn't have his own money. I said for who? So his friend is freaking out and has only told two guys, neither which are involved with her.

so, i asked more questions. like how come she thinks she might be pregnant, has she missed her period yet, who is she ( I would not tell her parents, and I would not know them anyway most likely since I am not a mo). He would not tell me who, just saying that I would be surprised and that I do know who she is.

He is so sweet trying to help her. I said I would buy the pregnancy test but I needed to find out when her period would have started. She would be 14 or 15, and most likely mo. So, I just wonder what others parents would do.

I think that she is going to come over to my exceptionally dirty house and do it here, so I guess I will at least be here. But if she is and it comes out who got her the test I am saying my son did it. He is really worried and upset.

Oh, and get this. This is another question. If she is pregnant, she wants to go to the store to get some kind of tea that will make her period start, is how my son worded it. So, is there an abortion tea, or miscarriage tea? I was freaked out at that, and I looked online but didn't come up with much.

See, this is the mormon deal with these girls, she probably doesn't know anything about how this all works, and obviously they must not have used birth control. I am pretty sure my son knows better, we have taught him early on about that, and he is adopted, so has experience in being part of this issue.

I just hope she is not and is just being paranoid. He says I can't see who she is but if she is at my house that is bullshit, we have a really small house. Plus I will probably have to explain to her what to do with the test.

this is one of those "What would you do?"

MYOB - step WAAAYYYY far back from this...

Stay out of this, completely.Advise your son to stay out of it also.

SuzieQ#1 and Ragnar are right on.

This is parental responsibility and you must not take even one step toward replacing that girl's parent in an important life decision.

Tell your boyfriend the exact same thing. It is his moral duty to leave a family matter with the family.

NOW--here's what DOES concern you. What the hell is a young teenager girl doing discussing lady business with your young son? He does not sound to me like he is being "sweet," I think he is being used. Once he takes one step down that road, she will be calling him for all her errands, to borrow money, to buy her cigarettes, alcohol, diapers, it will never end.

And all the while she'll be f*cking some other boy.

Save him, tell him regular girls have girlfriends for these kinds of conversations and it is not an "honor" for her to be confiding in him, she is targeting him to take advantage of his good heart because he is a non-Member and can get her anything...from a coke to heroin.

Because he is so young, he doesn't see this. My question is for you--why don't you see this?


Anagrammy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/03/2012 12:49PM by Susan I/S.

Anagrammy,

You are making such assumptions. I never said anything about booze and cigs or anything else. This is just a nice girl that had sex wayyyyy to early and is regretting it and terrified that she might be pregnant. Why would he buy her booze and cigs and heroin? He doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs, or have sex for that matter.

Not sure what you are thinking. He has lots of girls that are friends, he is very respectful and caring, and I certainly am not going to try to train him out of that.

He is 14, she is 14.

Yikes!!

I have also had the experience of girls approaching my non-Mormon sons to "help" them out of trouble.

They felt safer but a non-Mormon boy is no substitute for Planned Parenthood and/or a parent. Helping a classmate find an herbal tea, which might have horrific side effects, is a terrible idea.

It's tough to teach children the difference between being compassionate and being taken advantage of--especially when one is a former Mormon (and that may not be the case for you).

One time one of my children took a mason jar and brewed himself up a mason jar of comfrey tea, which he had seen me do. Unfortunately he used too much time on the microwave and inadvertently concentrated it. When I came home he was semi-conscious, seeing delusions, had wet himself, was drooling. He was only 11 years old. I was scared to death. I had to take him to American Hospital (had no clue) and then take him to Provo to the hospital there, where they injected him with atropine and he immediately came out of it.

Children need to respect the power of herbs as drugs and never use them without medical/parental supervision.

It's a great compliment to you, OP, that your son is confiding in you-- too bad his friend doesn't feel the same about her mother.


Anagrammy

^^^^ That's the best advice. At least you don't leave her completely at the mercy of her (maybe strict mormon) parents, and you stay out of the fray.

Ditto what lulu posted. You don't want to get directly involved. especially not blind.

As for herbal concoctions to promote early miscarriage, I'm sure they exist. Almost all medicines, after all, come from nature originally. But she'll be far better off seeking help from those competent to give her good advice. Herbal ≠ safe at least not necessarily, it just means they are easier to acquire, and less subject to regulation, which can also mean they could contain toxins and other stuff that someone handling her well-being needs to be aware of, should anything go badly. Don't take this as a screed against alternative medicine... the point is in any care, someone who knows medical issues and is competent to deal with them should be in the loop, and ideally have all the information available to treat any complications.

Get her in touch with someone competent to deal with this, someone with both the information and an awareness of any legal and health issues she might face coming out of this. In most places, that's Planned Parenthood.

I don't know the situation well enough to know what her parents might do, what she might fear from them. For all I know she's pregnant by her father or brother and can't very well be expected to be open with them. If you've trusted your son's judgement so far, help him get her the right kind of help and keep the appropriate distance.

PS. As father of two teenage daughters who I think would be open to me about nearly anything (and have been about many things already), I wanted to also say that not every girl has girlfriends they can trust. Just a thought.

Yes! Get her the info for PP. It's a way to stay out of it, while increasing the chances that she'll get the kind of support and information she needs.

There may be liability issues if you interfere. The most I would do is tell your son that if she has any issues or concerns, she can run them by her school counselor. That's what they're there for. I also like the Planned Parenthood suggestion that other board members have made. Or perhaps she can talk to her family physician.

Do *not* buy her a pregnancy test. Do not drive her anywhere. Don't get involved beyond recommending sources for help.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/03/2012 01:17PM by summer.

Liberal sexual attitudes=irresponsible parenting.

Huh?

just to be D.A. ... I'm going to say:

there's nothing wrong with being concerned or trying to help a situation 'before' it runs out-of-control.

PP sounds right for this situation, they're professionals (unless the Repubs have their say).

Okay....here I go. The only advice I would give this girl is to be a friendly adult who she can discuss this with. She may have NO idea there are options for her if she is pregnant. Her parents maybe were the kind to give no guidance on this issue. If you know the parents would they be angry if the girl spoke to you before them? Think of all these scenarios.

Kids do like to help kids in difficult situations. (MY ex helped a girl in college once-just a shoulder to cry on). He had never dated her. It was a bit weird but these girls do need a good listening ear. Many girls go to a guy before a girl. Let's face it- girls are big mouths. Little is kept as secret with girls. You said your son had no money. Well, give him some chores and give him the money he earned. Then he can do with it as he wishes.....give to her for the test if he wants. YOU are not to be giving money for that.

I doubt your son can give much information as to her options like you could. He says you know her. Would she be willing to talk to you? That is not a crime. And why can't she take the test in her own bathroom. Throw the box away in some discreet manner or hand the box over to a freind to throw away so mom doesn't see it. Sometimes a little help with a pregnancy test then turns into money for an abortion. She may ask your son to help get her money if she goes that route and IS indeed pregnant. NO way would I jump into that snake pit. There is no tea to end a pregnancy - heaven forbid.

So I would offer her your ear to listen if she needs a woman to talk to....This may keep her calm if she is pregnant and she won't do anything impulsively....then I would back away. She must make this decision. If she is scared of her parents-and you may know them- she needs to have someone like a counselor go to the home and speak to them with her. NO planned pregnancy center has any business performing an abortion on a minor without parents knowing. Parents must know at some point.

I do see your interest in this situation. It is nice your son told you the little he did. But he is too young for this. And he can't possible know how this would affect her life on a permanent basis.

You post made me curious, so went to the PP site and there are actually quite a few states that require no parental involvement. Utah requires permission of a parent, if that's where non for this is.

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/abortion/parental-consent-notification-laws-25268.htm

It is my OPINION no PP should give an abortion to an underage girl without parental consent. I know some states allow it.

I got that. :-)

But what about if their mother is like mine and would literally kill them rather than suffer the embarrassment of the whole town knowing their teen is a gd little whore? Do you really want me to be required to tell her?

In those unfortunate situations, if she wanted to abort, there are mechanisms to petition a court to allow the procedure without parental knowledge.

Not in Utah it doesn't sound like. I'm not a lawyer, but the language sounded like one parent had to be notified, but could not refuse permission to have it done if the judge had granted it.

Thanks, you are the only one who sort of gets it. I did give him money, it's his. She is doing one test at home, he still has the other. I do know her, and she was very embarassed, but I talked to her, told her how to do the test, asked about her last period, how long had it been, etc.

She could have NEVER told her mom this. And then I told her and him to let me know and that is how I would get her the help she needs.

I would not take her to PP or anywhere else for something like that. I just dont' want her to try something that could be dangerous.

As for my son not knowing what it would mean for her to have a baby, he does understand. he is adopted, knows his birthparents and even said that he does not want her to go through what his birthfather did. He is more mature than his age.

If I didn't help him, he would have done it himself somehow. I told ehr I would not tell her parents, only if she was doing something dangerous (drugs, drinking, etc) but this is not for me to deal with.

Thanks for the support

So your son tells you not to worry because he is not the father. Personally, I would not find that very reassuring coming from a teen.

Actually surprised at your reactions!! What happened to helping someone in need? These kids can't get to the store on their own, and her paretns are TBM and would disown her for even doing the deed. My son has known this girl (and I also) and her family since they were 1 years old. We were mormon then, so that doesn't matter, I don't see the parents but once every year or two and just say hi.

She is just testing. Obviously if she were then I would guide her to the right places, I'm not stupid. Either way I would have been the one driving to the store and giving my son money if he had decided to hide it from me, but he is very honest about stuff going on with his friends.

I am not taking any parental duty away, they would not have known either way unless she is pregnant. Which I am pretty sure she is not, she is just freaking out. They ( I don't know who the guy is) used a condom, and she said it didn't break, so I hope she is not. But I had to tell her how to use the test.

As for the tea thing, i would ask her what she was thinking of doing if the test was positive, I would avoid that at all costs.

I would have loved to have someone to talk to that was not my parents when I was dealing with shit. My son loves her as a friend and worries about his friends.

I would rather help her than her trying to get something off the net or from her 14 year old, or 15 year old 9th grade utah no sex ed kids. and Yes, I told them both about planned parenthood, only its 25 miles to the nearest one.

hmm, just surprised.

Oh, just to clarify, I NEVER said that I would tell her what to do or help her make decisions regarding abortion. It's funny how people read that into it.

I would not buy her any tea, I just wondered if anyone had heard of it, as she could get her hands on it, and I was extremly worried about that. Gee whiz.

Oh, and we are in the heart of moville

non for this Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I would not buy her any tea, I just wondered if
> anyone had heard of it, as she could get her hands
> on it, and I was extremly worried about that. Gee
> whiz.

I hope you weren't including me in the blanket "shocked and surprised" statements, I hope I was getting at least as much of the story as you had told, and I tried to stick to what had been revealed.

I too have been shocked a bit by some of the reactions, but clearly this is a diverse forum, and a lot of those here are still well within the shadow of the temple.

To try to clarify to those with whom I'd respectfully tend to disagree, my own endorsement of PP was as a place for competent counseling, and learning more about how to deal with the various reproductive health issues that any young woman really ought to know about, but that many areas and parts of American culture tend to turn into taboos. Whatever happened to "The glory of God is intelligence"?

There are many alternatives to abortion, and knowing so very little about this situation, I just want to agree I was a bit shocked but maybe not entirely surprised by the immediate leap in assumptions by some of those who responded.

Glad to hear you are in a position to help her with this responsibly and sensitively.

PS: I'd meant to add one further comment about the "tea" -- there are a *lot* of herbal remedies being sold on the net. Some are harmless (and also useless) and some can be toxic. Without more specific details on what it was she thought she'd found, there's not much more to add.

Sad that the nearest PP is 25 miles away. I sometimes think we've been turning ourselves rapidly into a third world country with our glorification of ignorance in the name of purity or rectitude.

I really wanted to tell you to take her under your wing, because if I had told my mother I was pregnant, I doubt I would have lived through it. No joke. If I had lived she would have made me feel humilated, severely punished me probably for the rest of my life, and forced me to do what she wanted. There was no choice in the house I grew up in. I didn't get pregnant, but I often wonder how different my life might have been if someone with a heart had stepped in and told me a few things I needed to know.

But, like it or not, parents have the right to bring up their kids how they want. I know I'd be totally ticked if it were my daughter and someone told her how filthy she was and how ashamed she should be and that she had to keep it or she would be a murderer and god would be angry. So I guess "those" parents have the right to give whatever information they want to their kids.

So I had to agree with Lulu that the right thing to do is to send her to someone who is trained to help, and won't get into a legal bind doing it.

BTW Planned Parenthood also has an online chat if the girl would like to use that.

Bless you for caring!

I can't believe some of the posters' reactions who I usually respect on this board.

For whatever reasons, this girl does not want to involve her parents at this time. She is SCARED. Maybe she is pregnant, maybe not. Whatever the outcome, she needs to be directed to people who can help her, be it a trusted school counselor, family member or Planned Parenthood. Maybe the son is not telling the truth and maybe he is. Regardless, if it were me, I would get her the pregnancy test and try to get my son to convince her to go to an adult she trusts, whoever it may be, for counseling. For now, she needs to find out if she is indeed pregnant. That is the first step. You don't have to be involved in what happens next...unless she is pregnant and your son is indeed the father.

Supposedly some other guy is the possible father but your son is the one who needs the money for a pregnancy test. Might I just suggest that your son may not be telling you the whole story and maybe he is a possible father.

Just sayin'

baura Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
My first thought --- a "friend" in need is an old ploy!!

You are right to be worried, about said tea the main herb in it can have serious side effects specially in someone so young, I feel for her, what a nightmare to not be able to talk to her parents.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/03/2012 02:40PM by eldorado.

eldorado Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You are right to be worried, about said tea the
> main herb in it can have serious side effects
> specially in someone so young,


I won't post the link, since it might well offend some, and is easy to find in any case. Just had to comment on the irony that this is probably a reference to what was commonly once called "Mormon tea"

You can google it if you want more of the details.

P.S. From what I remember, at least, Mormon tea is quite toxic and probably fairly risky to ingest. I seem to recall it was the cause of more than a few livestock deaths in at least one of the ranching communities where I grew up, though that would have been from cattle grazing on the plant directly. She'd certainly have access, though, given it's a very common weed in most parts of Utah, Idaho, Nevada, and at least Western Slope Colorado.

Your son sounds like a great kid. You should be proud that he is willing to help a friend in need even when that friend has a VERY complicated problem.

I do have one cautionary note. My son was a very empathetic kid. It led to several years of very needy girlfriends before he found some balance.

I'd just keep on eye out. It took him a while to figure out he couldn't 'fix' everyone and had to make hard choices to live his own life.