Posted by:
Thithter Thim
(
)
Date: September 26, 2010 08:49AM
Good morning board. I've read this board for several years and tried to participate and being as busy as it was in the past, I could never keep up. Well now that it seems to be more at a slow pace (for now), I decided that I'll attempt again to jump in and join.
Here's a bit of background for me...if anyones interested. I thought about not doing this because "what if" someone I know (family) reads this board...but I thought "who cares" it's not like I'm revealing anything they don't already know about me lol I'm still anonymous..so here goes. This will probably get fairly long, read if you want, no biggie if not.
I was born and raised in Utah...majority of my life in Utah county. I was BIC and so were my parents and their parents...my dad's side, my great great great great (I think) grandfather was the settler of Sanpete County (Isaac Morley), good friend of Joseph Smith and so there's this super strong tie and sense of pride that we all grew up with. I thought it was pretty neat to be connected to the beginning of this true church, even though I never, even as a child, believed it in my heart. I was just suckered into the cultural part of it all. Now I just wonder what were my ancestors thinking??!
I'm one of 8 children and lived in a semi-super mormon family. Parents held many important callings...the kids had to attend young men/young women activities (I got off the hook cause I was that rebellious and just refused (I'm one of the younger ones) and they did their best to do family home evenings etc etc. But there was always a sense of casualness in the home...yanno, like we could go shopping on Sunday if it was at a vending machine (haha jk).
Like I said, even as a young child, I always felt different...and at that time I thought it was something special. Was I some chosen one from heaven that was going to make a difference here in one way or another? That always stuck in my head. I hated church. I was baptized at 8 simply because it was the "thing to do" and it's unheard of to even question. Yet I remember sitting in my bedroom no more than 8 years old, tearing up my baptizm certificate into small pieces and putting it down the heatvent. I wish I could remember or piece together what was going on at that time to warrant my action. But for now, I'll just hold onto that memory with a smile on my face.
At about 14-15 year old is when I said to myself "enough is enough" and absolutely refused to go to church and my parents backed off cause they knew that I was not "worthy" to pertake of the sacrament (small run-in with the law and boys etc) and whatnot and my mom knew by then forcing a teenager will just backfire. I think my dad thought I should still be forced to go.
I know I rebelled in general because this lifestyle/culture was not for me. I was so confused because I was still conditioned to the culture that doing things that would be normal for the rest of the world and deep down, felt normal to me, was not normal to my life I only knew and I had no idea what to do. I started drinking :::gasp:::: coffee at 17 and was promptly grounded one friday night when I brought home my cappaccino from 7-11...so I figured I just needed to be me on the outside and be semi-me at home.
So you know when I was 18 I moved out of my parents home pronto! I end up getting pregnant shortly there after to my current husband that's been a bad situation from the get-go. He's a bit older than I am and I, even if I felt like I was mature and ready for an adult-life, I was not..but it is what it is. I had this fake sense of what life is supposed to be like and I refused to work and silently insisted he should be the bread winner cause that's just how it's supposed to be, right? Wrong. He lived the complete opposite life. He's from NYC, from a single parent household, his mother worked and so in his mind, why on earth would a "wife and mother" not work too? That's caused a lot of grief, in addition to the rest of my craziness lol We end up getting married when our daughter was a year old, even though I didnt want to then, and I still wish I didn't now. When I was pregnant, my mother "strongly suggested" I place the baby for adoption. I would be a "teenage single mother" and <gasp> they automatically assumed my "baby daddy" would have disappeared. Then add into the equation that he is a black man was the last straw lol. "Biracial children have a harder life" WTF? Yeah in UTAH maybe. :::sigh::: Well that whole situation started off on the wrong foot and has caused turmoil in my life, in addition to everything else. This could turn into a full blown therapy session if I let it and I wont.
So my husband being from NYC never intended to actually live in Utah, but considering the circumstances and he's not one to run away from his responsibilities, ended up staying and about lost his mind living in Utah County. Ten years we endured the stupid comments from people (that's a whole 'nother post) and the racism that is still going strong, even though people deny it.
We scrimp and save and moved to NC and started over, mostly to get my now 4 children out of there. I know for myself, being out of Utah and in the "real world" (which is anywhere but Utah) has made a tremendous impact on myself. I feel like I'm around people I can relate to. I've never had SO many friends as I do now.
My parents have always had it in their mind that I'll eventually come back to the church...but that'll never ever happen. Before finding this board I always knew there was something off about it, this board, and my sister (a fellow exmo) and all the outside influence just solidifies it.
I never had to go through any transition of quitting church, having to fight off relief society presidents or bishops or anything like others have...cause I never was fully invested in the church. The hardest thing for me is to erase the conditioned way of thinking...I really feel I've been brainwashed, even though I rejected the teachings...it still happened.
I'm thankful that this board is here...I read it nearly everyday at work and it helps to know that there are other people who've realized all that crazy talk is really crazy talk! and I'm not always the one that's wrong...and it's okay to live the life I see fit for myself and not fall into the mold of what my family does or what they think I should be.
Thanks for listening.