Hey kids. I just wanted to stop by and let anyone who may be wondering that I'm still alive and somewhat kicking.

Since I lost my job in December, I have gone through one of the worst spiraling bouts of depression I have ever experienced in my life. A lot of it is situational and due to things that are out of my control, but I am working so hard to pull myself out of the pit that I'm in. I just had my psych meds adjusted, which I'm hoping will help. I'm doing very intense work with a therapist. I'm working on getting myself out of the house more (I've developed a pretty severe case of agoraphobia, so leaving the house is a bit of a scary thing lately). The worst part about all this is the fact that this person I've become is NOT ME. This person I am right now is a stranger, and I have allowed this other person to take over my emotions, my soul, my mind, my drive, my creativity, and my will to live. I have isolated and shut down, and let this monster that I've become run my existence while I've sat idly by and wallowed in sadness and apathy. It's almost akin to being possessed.

It's been such a horrifying ordeal. I really think a lot of this is just a culmination of all the crap I've gone through in the past 18 months. I think something just snapped, and I let go or lost the strength to be able to deal with it in a healthy way. I have to say I'm proud of myself for still waking up every morning, and not taking the "easy" way out. I am picking up my sword and fighting every single day to make my life better, and taking control of the things that I have control over.

I want the glow and the sparkle back in my eyes. I want to be happy. I want to follow the dreams and the goals I set for myself that I have lost sight of the past few months. I want my fucking life back.

I love and miss you guys a great deal, and I promise to try and post here more frequently because there is an enormous family here for me that I have neglected, and right now, I need all the support I can get. I have no doubt in my mind that so many of yo have my back, and that means more than all the money in the world.

I love you all, and I'm finding my way back. I promise.

Mike, if you need someone to talk to, you know you can contact me. You take care of yourself.

I was wondering where you've been. With summer coming perhaps you luck will turn. Get some sunlight that always helps me brighten up (that wasn't a pun and if it was it was a stupid pun). Welcome back.

I've been there (and I still visit occasionally), so I sympathize. You need some face-to-face interaction.

My heart breaks for you, friend. I hope you can work through this (and that you get the help you need).

The old saying that it's darkest before dawn is really true.

Don't forget, necessity is the mother of ADVENTURE! You will find a whole new world out there when you emerge from the dark tunnel.


We missed you!!!

We're here for you, Mikey - hang in there! Glad you're fighting and regaining control. :)

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now and I have a lot of empathy--especially saying this is another person who has infiltrated your body. That is how it feels--and it is so hard to break free.

I was just filling water dishes for 2 dogs and thinking--it keeps me sane to have something to do (I adopted an itty-bitty dog that is about 5-1/2 pounds about 10 weeks ago and my boyfriend's dog is 90 pounds)--

And as I read your post I remembered that I had 2 kids so I had to keep getting up--though I'd drive them to school and go home and sleep. I slept away a few years of my life--at least--or worked them away.

I hope Spring brings you out of the funk you are in. It is in the 70s in Colorado and I feel much more alive and have started walking again. It is what saves me--walking.

Hang in there. I wish I had some answers for you--

It soothes me and energizes me at the same time. :)

My heart goes out to you as I read your post. The good news is that you were able to post an update, that means that you are beginning to take control and whatever is keeping you down is beginning to weaken. I am glad that you posted.

I agree with The Man in Black, some sunlight will do you good. Thankfully spring is here and that will probably help you.

You know, if there is something I wish I had learned earlier is that no matter how dark is seems now, at some point it will get better. Funny I had to discover the truth about the church before I came to that realization. It will get better, this too shall pass, it may be soon or it may take a little longer, but it will pass. Hang in there.

Good luck,
Deconverted

get up outya funk baby!! easier said than done eh? glad you stopped in...if you can exersize!! it really fdo help!! :) Sea-Ya!!

Sometimes a person just needs to hibernate, wrapped up in a cocoon for a while. Be as kind to yourself as you would someone else and you'll gradually rekindle a fire under your arse! ;-)

I know agoraphobia all too well, GayLayAle. Remember that you have company. And I wish you the best.

I'm very sorry to hear that things have been so tough. I've been where you are now and I remember how hard it was to do anything. I really admire how strong you are to have held on so long. A lot of religious people will tell you that the greatest love a person has for others is to die for them. Well I'm here to testify that is balony! The greatest love is to go on living when you feel like life is nothing but darkness and despair. You have shown that love, Mike and I applaud you for it. I know how hard it was.

I don't know if it helps at all but I also "testify" that it really can get better. My life now is so much better than when I was in such a dark and despairing place. If the strength of well wishing made a difference you'd be in your dream job and an inspirational speaker for others. Sadly, all they can do is let you know I understand and care. Feel free to message me anytime through facebook (we're already friends). I'd be happy to be a listening ear for you any time.

Rebecca L.

I was wondering where you've been. I've missed your posts and I really hope things start looking up for you. You're always welcome here. :)

There is no one on this earth, and certainly no one on this board, quite like you, GayLay! You have an interesting perspective on things and a unique and enjoyable way of expressing yourself in writing.

Best wishes for a major upturn in your life! Keep us posted.

You've got my info -- you've helped talk me through some stuff when I was down, so let me do the same if it'll help you.

Glad to see you on here again. I saw your fb post as well. Hang in there Mike. Kick this thing in the ass!

Hi Mike,

You might want to read the book, The Buddha's Brain. It could help (and it's about neuroscience and scientifically validated practices, such as meditation, and not about Buddhism).

When you said that you've become a stranger to yourself, keep in mind that you're comparing your present state to a past that you now look upon as more ideal, I think, but both past and present are very much you. You, like all of us, aren't a static image, but a process unfolding through space-time.

The fundamental difference between now and the past is that you're suffering a lot right now. You've become chemically dysregulated, and hopefully the drugs can stabilize that. This dysregulation is causing agoraphobia, depression, and all-around suffering.

Psychotherapy isn't a panacea. It could work, to some extent, for some people some of the time, but not others. Drugs have side-effects. The important thing is to move the needle closer to center, so that your own body can begin to heal itself.

What has thrown it so off-center? What's different now, compared to two years ago? My guess is that your environment made you unwell, and that it's keeping you unwell. Drugs are like ice water for someone already in Hell: welcome and useful, but of limited help, in a lot of cases.

What do you need (if you know) to change in the environment so that you're no longer being harmed? Don't blame yourself for anything. That's unhelpful. Just focus on identifying what needs to change, and move in that direction. You're doing the right things, and remember that you need to be selfish about recovery.

Eliminate the toxins.

If I remember, you're gay and you have a supportive partner. Is there a history of anxiety and depression in your family?

I think that the most important thing that you can do right now is to try to relax, and wait. Any form of stress (demands made by your environment, and demands that you make of yourself) could cause harm. You need time to improve and stabilize, and then time to heal. And then, you can start making substantial changes to maintain a state of well-being. Just take one step at a time, and be gentle.

Don't "work hard."

Stop working for a change, and relax. You're in no condition to use flooding to combat agoraphobia. Stay inside for awhile. It's okay. Beware of well-intentioned but naiive psychotherapists.

You're going to be all right.

Steve

And StalkerDog™ sends slurpies and waggies!

dont be a stranger! :)