…did you marry anyway or break it off? Were church pressures or were family pressures a major factor in your decision?

And were you ultimately glad about your decision, or not?

My son's bride-to-be called it off the night before the temple wedding back in 2008. He was devastated. She couldn't bear the thought of moving to CA immediately after the honeymoon as he was starting his career. Oh, and she was barely 19. Even though it cost him thousands when that happened, she gave him such a gift. Now he is married to a wonderful woman and they have the cutest little boy in the whole world.

One of my daughters-in-law has a sister who was IN the Manti Temple waiting for her groom to be to come in and he never showed. THAT was quite the scandal. She's glad now, but it was awful for her then.

I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to be left at the altar... and how much weddings cost that would be wasted in that event. However, consider how much more divorce costs, both in terms of money and emotional angst, I agree that backing out if you're not sure is the best thing to do!

I hate my husband's ex wife with a passion, but I will always be grateful to her for divorcing my husband. On the other hand, since my husband had serious doubts on their wedding day, sometimes I can't help but wish he'd backed out! If he'd done that, though, some other woman probably would have married him and I might be single and not hanging out on RfM.

...multiple somewhat-guilt-free chances to back out before it all gets so much more complicated and loaded with lawyers. Ah, but it's supposed to be about LOVE®, right, not common sense and clear headed honesty. What a buzz kill if you were to sit down every few weeks/days to calmly discuss whether you really want to go through with it. Better to charge full speed ahead into potential regret and disaster.

I think people with doubts who end up not going through with it should be commended. It is probably a difficult thing to do.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/24/2012 06:04PM by suckafoo.

I was engaged, and after getting clear up to the point of booking the reception hall and sending out invitations, she came up with a seven page long prenuptial agreement (adult/second marriage for us).

I was totally TBMish, and even had the First Pres stamp of approval letter to be sealed to what would be my second/polygamous in heaven wife. The prenupt had so many sentences using phrases like, “As though the marriage never occurred” should we divorce etc. After reading through all seven pages, I told her that I wouldn’t sign such a document and broke the engagement off.

Yup it hurt at the time. Over a decade later, she still isn’t married.

But, really, it's a good thing the marriage didn't happen.

Stray Mutt Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> But, really, it's a good thing the marriage didn't
> happen.

So good I didn't! In hindsight, it was a rebound after my divorce. It would have been awful. She saved me with the prenupt.

This isn't just the case for temple marriages. In fact, I wish with all my heart my daughter, who had a beautiful non-religious wedding, had really listened to her heart and called it off at any point up to the actual ceremony. They are getting divorced after a year and a half and it's better now than after they had kids, but it would have been even better before it happened at all.

A returned missionary from Utah pursued me relentlessly, not allowing me any time to myself, or time to see my old friends. My previous boyfriends had been very laid back, and had known me well, as an independent type, who needed lost of space. I was flattered by all his attention, and we became engaged after dating 6 weeks. We were engaged 7 months, then I went home for the summer to plan big wedding reception, and he stayed on at summer school. I met him at the bus station, after being apart for 3 months, and when I saw him get off the bus, I almost barfed. Just the sight of him made me sick. I gagged when he kissed me. I told my mother and my best friend, and they both said it was wedding jitters. The wedding was to be in 3 days, 300 people were invited, all the work was done. The temple ceremony horrified me, and I almost got up when they guy said people could leave if they wanted to. The only reason I didn't run out of there was that my mother and sister were sitting on either side of me. I had bad indigestion, and had to leave the endowment ceremony three or four times, and the matrons were getting impatient with me. After the wedding, we drove away from the temple, and my new husband waved the marriage certificate at everyone and said, "She's mine now." He raped me before the reception. I resisted him because I had something like stomach flu, and I also had dreamed all my life of being a virgin bride in a white dress at my reception, walking in on my father's arm. He hurt me so bad, that I walked with a limp, and got an infection a few days later. After the honeymoon, he started beating me, and I found out about his violent past, when he beat his sister so badly that she was removed from the home.

I, too, respect and congratulate those courageous individuals who followed their gut instincts and avoided potential disaster. It is ultimately up to us to save our own life. No church will help you, that's for sure.

When the sight of your fiance made you sick, your family dismissed it as mere “pre-wedding jitters”? How deeply in denial can a family get!

But after all, let nothing interfere with the almost-reached, coveted goal of having a temple-married daughter! Just a couple more days and DD and new SIL will be sealed for eternity, and all will be well!

It can take years for Mormon young women to break free from their cult-conditioned disempowerment. Some never make it.

Glad you did, forestpal! Thank you for sharing your heart-rending experience.

I am sorry you suffered so.

Holy crap!!! What a horrendous way to start your married life!! I'm so sorry

Sadly, yes and sadly I still went through with it anyway. I felt social pressure to do it--because I was almost 25 and had already graduated from BYU and already been on a mission I just felt like it was what I had to do next. I was in love with him (and he was my first serious boyfriend) but I had this nagging feeling it wasn't right. I ignored it and convinced myself that it was just "cold feet." I tried to break it off once but felt so guilty and sorry for him that I couldn't do it. That and he convinced me that it was what "god wanted." I cried the morning of the wedding and wanted to back out but when my mom asked me what was wrong I couldn't tell her.

So 9 years and two kids later we got divorced. I learned the very hard and very painful way not to ignore my own inner voice, my gut. Turns out he was gay, no wonder it didn't seem right. I wish I'd had the strength to say no and to trust myself, my own intuition. It would have saved myself and my children so much heartache. I still kick myself for not having had the courage to walk away then...

It's not just temple marriages, since I now wish I had the courage to call off the civil wedding to my abusive TBM ex-husband, but at least I can say I got out before there were any children, since I was able to cut him completely out of my life when I filed for divorce.

It was a second marriage for both of us. And we had both been exposed to the love of a 'church court' where in my case the the public shame and humiliation was piled on to the max.

Immediately afterwards my Bishop cranked up the pressure and insisted I needed to marry the girl right away. Right before the wedding I went to him telling him it just wasn't right, and I wanted to end the engagement. He firmly told me 'She's the right one' and that I needed to go ahead with it. So, feeling like a lamb being led to the slaughter I bowed to 'priesthood authority' and went ahead with the wedding.

It was extremely difficult from day one. Decades later we are somehow still together, but trying to combine and raise two families from widely divergent backgrounds has been a living hell. We've come very close to divorce numerous times, esp after she had an affair and moved out. Numerous counselors and decades of intense church activity brought nothing good.

It's been said you should live life without regrets, since what you might be regretting seemed right at the time you did it. Thing is - I knew the marriage was just wrong at the time, it didn't seem right, I didn't want to do it, but gave in to the intense guilt and pressure from the Church.

At this point a tremendous amount of life has been invested, and a semblance of a relationship has emerged. We have both resigned from the Church and that's been a major plus for our relationship, but looking back it's difficult to see anything but a long, bleak landscape filled with hurt, pain, recriminations, and regret - and it is still a daily challenge.

We have a wide circle of friends who know us as a couple, and step-children who have never fully accepted either of us but manage a friendly tolerance. Is this enough to sustain a relationship? Is this as good as it gets? Is this all there is? Do we bail out now at this late stage, or just ride it on out to the end?

Bottom Line: the Church's vicious intrusion into inter-personal relationships, esp. as it comes to coercing people into arbitrary relationships against their will is sign enough of the very falsity of this execrable excuse for a church!

... esp. as it comes to coercing people into arbitrary relationships against their will is sign enough of the very falsity of this execrable excuse for a church!"

Yes, it is. And that is the cold, bitter truth about the Mormon so-called "family" church!

It was never going to be a temple wedding... But I slept with my first boyfriend(nevermo) and sort of justified it by vowing to marry him.
I was 16.
He dumped me a few times out of guilt for sleeping with other women. He was 19.
I always took him back, because I was a licked cupcake already.
Then when I was 18, he proposed to me on stage in the high school auditorium in front of everyone.
I was already thoroughly sick and tired of his bullshit, but I was still doormat enough to say yes. Was I going to say no and humiliate him with an audience? LOL, no! My feelings were less important than his, and I knew it.

Anyway, I smoked some weed before the end of high school, and suddenly got a lot more self centered. I really needed that good dose of self interest. I stonedly contemplated my future with him. I already wanted to kick him in the shins every time he talked to me. Did I want to wake up next to him, wanting to kick his shins before he even said good morning?
No.

Blame the drugs, whatever. My mind was opened just enough.

Now I am very glad I didn't marry the first thing to come along, even though it took a whole decade before I found a really good man who thinks I am also a really good woman.

My ex wife (TBM still) and I had a moment during our engagement in which we almost called it off due to "bad feelings" we had, that we at first thought might be the stupor of thought from god telling us it was wrong. Then we chocked it up to satan (could it be, Satan!?).

We only dated four months before getting engaged, and then our engagement lasted five months. We stayed married for about 16 years before the marriage started really crumbling, and 18 years by the time it was over.

Do I regret it? No, I did love her completely at one time, and I am glad I know how that feels because I may never have it again. We have wonderful children, which I adore.

And being divorced is not at all a bad thing. It's liberating both from the stale relationship and getting away from the morg.

for the whole d*mn engagement--to my gay fiance. I went to the LDS SS therapist to talk about it. He said it was possible. My good bishop friend said it was possible. The SP, the 2 single's ward bishops we had. They told me to put it out of my mind--that it would work and he would never leave me . . . we might have bumps along the way. I had doubts after the marriage--and I should have.

Now--Nope, I have healed A LOT from what I went through and a lot of that healing has been while reading this board. I'd rather have married my gay husband than some of the jerks I've read about on this board. And it floors me the women who throw away their marriages for loss of belief. They haven't a clue.

I'm glad I married him. It was the thing I needed to do to save us both.

People used to always tell me, "Well, you wouldn't have your exact kids if you had married someone else." I used to say, "They'd be the same "spirits" just look different." Then I met my boyfriend's kids . . . I have wonderful kids. They've had their own issues, but they have hearts of gold. They aren't spoiled. Let's say, they are not my boyfriend's kids--thank dog. Actually, when my daughter met my boyfriend's daughter, she said, "Thank you for raising us like you did. I'd never want to be like HER." We come from middle class. They come from wealthy and they are extremely entitled children.

So--at age 54 I can say my life turned out the way it should have.

I had many bad feelings and dreams; I dated my spouse for over a year--we broke up, got back together. I nearly walked the week before the temple wedding. I wish now that I had. I was literally SICK and had to take anxiety medication to get myself to the alter--I'd never needed it before.

Yeah, I wish I'd walked. And I wish I'd left the church before I married.

On the other hand, I can't regret the lovely children I have. I would not have missed them for the world.

Hindsight is always perfect, isn't it?