A long time ago, when I was a 19-year-old BYU student, I became friends with a group of guys from an African country. I was really interested in their culture, tried their native food, and started learning their language. One of the guys obviously had a romantic interest in me. I didn't feel the same way about him, but I liked him as a friend. It was awkward for me because I didn't have much experience dealing with that kind of situation.
I was going home at the end of the semester and the night before I left, I got a phone call from this guy. It was late, probably close to midnight, and he said he wanted to see me before I left. One of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life, I said OK and walked over to his apartment. I went inside and sat down next to him on the couch. He laid on top of me and held me down. I tried to push him off, but he told me not to move, he was trying to control himself. I lay there terrified for what seemed like hours while he fought for self-control. He lost control and raped me. I finally fought back as best I could, but it was too late. I freaked out. The second he let me up, I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. Eventually, though, I had to come out. I didn't say anything to him, I just wanted to leave. He blocked the door. I didn't want to get near him. There was a chair between the door and the couch, so I planned it out and sat on the couch with the chair between us and pretended to give up. He walked over to me and I timed it just right, ran around the chair and got to the door and out before he could catch me. I ran all the way back to my house. When I got there, I saw his friend in his car, and the guy sitting in the back seat. The friend wanted to talk to me, and I thought I could trust him. He told me that he knew what had happened, and it wasn't the guy's fault. As soon as he said that, I turned around and walked into my apartment. I locked the apartment door and went straight to the shower. When I got out of the shower, he was standing in my room - my roommate must have let him in. I jumped back in the shower and waited a few minutes, then peeked out - he was gone. I jumped out and locked the bedroom door, got dressed, and climbed out the window. I spend the next hour hiding in the bushes outside, trying to figure out what to do. The thought of calling the police never crossed my mind. I was terrified that I might have gotten pregnant, might have gotten AIDs, had just lost any chance of ever getting married because I was no longer a virgin, and thought it was my fault for going over to his apartment. After all, the BYU Honor Code says no visiting the apartments of the opposite sex after midnight. I broke the rule, it was my own fault. By this time it was almost morning, I was getting a ride to the airport at 7am and my bags were by the front door. He was still in my apartment. Finally I knocked on my roommate's window and woke her up, told her to tell him to leave. I climbed back in my window and stayed in my room with the door locked until my ride got there.
I came back the next semester and he tried to call me several times, but I always hung up on him. I never talked to him again.
I thought I had to confess to my bishop, but when I got in the office I couldn't say anything. Sex was a topic that just wasn't discussed, and I couldn't say the words. I told the bishop there was something I had to tell him. He waited. Finally he had to guess what it was. He asked me if I'd had sex, and I nodded. He asked how many times, and I said one. He put me on informal probation. I wasn't allowed to take the sacrament or say prayers in church.
A few months later, I got a phone call from a missionary. He wanted to talk to me about his investigator. It was the guy who raped me. I told the missionary I didn't want to talk about it and hung up.
I didn't tell anyone until I finally confided in a friend over a year later. I was just a young, scared, sheltered, stupid 19-year-old kid.

I always had a feeling something big had happened to you.

Did you ever tell the bishop the whole story? What was his reaction? What about your parents?

How in the world did you get past this and stay Mormon!

And to think people send their children to BYU thinking they will be so much safer on this campus.

I am so sorry you had to go through this.

Anagrammy

I never told the bishop, or my parents. By the time I was 21, the bishop decided to end the probation and allowed me to go on a mission.

And sorry that you had no one to talk to about it.

Things like this should never happen and that guy should have gone to prison for his actions. Your story makes me angry. I have daughters and have little tolerance for this sort of bullshit. This triggers my fatherly instincts and make me wish I could beat that guy within a inch o his life......and I'm not a violent guy.

In the end I'm hoping in the time since you've been able to talk with someone about this and find some support/ways to deal with it.

I hope sharing your story here helps and know that all of us here are here for you.

What really helped the most was when I talked to a guy friend who got angry and wanted to kick the guy's ass. That really helped me feel better.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/29/2012 12:35PM by sexismyreligion.

I am also so sorry that happened to you.

I had a similar experience in high school and my reaction was also self blame. It never occurred to me at the time that it was rape. I blamed myself because I should have (fill in the blank- seen him alone, lied to my parents, tempted fate, etc.) And my big worry was that I was no longer pure enough to get married in the temple. In time I did go on to confess to the bishop and had consequences. All the while blaming myself.

I think it is such a tragedy the way that girls are raised to please, never say no, never stand up to the priesthood and then blame themselves for being 'a licked cupcake' and unworthy. So, so sad.

Hugs to you, Sexismyreligion.

What a horrible experience! I am sure it was difficult for you to share.

I am sorry that this happened to you and hope you are able to gather good support around you to help you deal with this horrific incident.

Sadly, I am never suprised when a woman shares her story because it happens all too often in this world. We live in a rape culture where people laugh at rape jokes and enjoy playing the "blame the victim" game. The people who rally against this diseased mentality are accused of "not being able to take a joke" and "too sensitive." Those of us raised in Mormon culture know all too well that rape/sexual abuse survivors are expected to accept some blame for what happened to them.

I'm so sorry it happened to you and hope you've found some healing.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/29/2012 11:03AM by Itzpapalotl.

Holy sh*t. I'm sorry.

It seems we have a lot in common, unfortunately. What I can't figure out, retrospectively, is why it never occurred to me to call the police. It didnt even cross my mind as an option. Why?

The only thing I can figure out is the lack of education I had in these matters. I get really angry when I see Mormon families shelter there kids... It's dangerous.

I literally didn't even think about calling the police until years later, when a friend asked why I didn't. Maybe because I'd never been in a situation to call the police or even seen anyone call the police before. Maybe because I wasn't sure what rape was and didn't know whether that was what had happened, and I felt that I was partly at fault. (I did Google searches later on the definition of rape to try to figure it out. What does "force" really mean?) Or maybe it was because I just went into survival mode and didn't feel like I could trust anyone.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Sorrowfully, many on this board are rape and sexual abuse survivors.

Talking about what happened is a necessary step toward healing. The first person we tell (in your case, your friend, a year after the rape) is usually the hardest one to tell. The fact that you are able to post this account of your experience, even anonymously (as is appropriate,) is a good sign that you are on the road to healing.

How disgusting that when that SOB bishop learned that you had “had sex,” he ASSUMED it was consensual!!! And of course, you were probably still so full of the shame that always follows in these cases, that you were unable to correct the conclusion he jumped to. So YOU ended up being punished on top of having an intense trauma to recover from! How awful!

TBMs wonder why we “leave the church, but can't leave it alone.” This sickening story is a prime example of why we can’t!!!

Best wishes, sexismyreligion. Kudos for your courage in sharing this!

I don't know what the bishop would have done if he knew what really happened. I never gave him the chance. He was an overworked, unpaid religious leader who probably could have helped me if he had been more patient and compassionate. He explained to me that he was only putting me on probation instead of disfellowshipping or excommunicating since I wasn't endowed, and it wasn't that big a deal. Not that big a deal? It was to me.

So sorry to hear about this horrible experience.

My sister had a somewhat similar thing happen to her at BYU. She eventually told her bishop, but he sided with the guy who denied it happened and by then was engaged to be married in the temple.

She regretted ever coming forward with the truth.

So sorry that this happened to you. It took courage to share your story and I hope that you are in the thros of healing this. My heart is sending you healing vibes :-)!

My wife had a similar experience with a RM she dated only a few times at 18yrs old. It was horrific and continued with mental abuse following the inital incident. She suffered as you have and tried to go the confession rout blaming and being disciplined. It was so damaging and so deep that she hurts and looks for soloutions many decades later. I am so sorry for you to have gone through that.

He belongs in prision to get the message that it is wrong.

You belong in the arms of angels. I hope you will study and learn of the innocence that you need to recognize in your heart. You are a good person and I so want to give you a hug. And I am sure you will meet nice people in life too....don't give up.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

I'll bet to this day that bishop thinks that he was "inspired by the Spirit" to have a revelation to figure out that you had sex. He probably chalks it up to being a miracle that he was able to help you repent.

Having no idea that he got it completely wrong and was providing you zero support and only making worse that you were a victim of rape...

As aside, my wife was "felt up" by a stranger on the street as a teenager. She didn't tell anyone about it until years later. It's super normal I think to be ashamed as the victim and be afraid to talk about it.

Congratulations on coming along so far that you can share this with us. I'm sorry for what happened to you.

What clicked in my brain when you said you didn't even think of calling the police is not only society teaches us that we can bring rape on by doing certain things, but we were taught in mutual/YW that it was up to us to keep the men in line sexually as they had such a high sex drive, etc., and to protect our "virtue" with our lives.

Again, I am very sorry this happened to you.

I wonder how often that happens at BYU. It seems like there is so much indoctrination that keeps women silent about rape in Mormon culture that there's a recipe for it. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I had an older cousin try to rape me when I was a little girl. Much different than your situation, but I understand what it's like to feel like you did something wrong. I just barely told my mother about it a few months ago, and this happened about 15 years ago. I felt dirty and wrong and thought I was in trouble with God for him trying to do that to me. But I was a little girl and was scared. Looking back, I wish I would have run to my parents right away to tell them. Instead I spent years thinking I was in the wrong. This happens to so many little girls too. Especially growing up in the mormon church, we are taught how bad sexual things are, so we think that if we participate in anything like that (even if we aren't willing) that we are unworthy and dirty. I am so sorry for you, but I am proud of you for telling your story.

I can empathize with wanting to blame yourself. When I was 10 until I was 12, I was molested on numerous occasions by an older female family member. When I finally got brave enough to tell my parents, who went to the Bishop at the time. He said it was my fault because I was the male. By the way, this bishgop now teaches at BYU, and is an author.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/29/2012 04:22PM by truckerexmo.

When I tell people that women are not considered as responsible as men in terms of culpability for offenses, people can hardly believe it.

Your story proves the point. So sorry.

Anagrammy

Sexismyreligion--you say you didn't tell anyone.

If you are still troubled by this hideous event, you may have PTSD. If you feel that's a possibility, there's an online test you can take. If you score that you still have issues, I would strongly suggest you get treatment from a specialist in this field.

http://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/ptsd-test/

It's common knowledge that a violent rape like this can leave lifelong scars. You deserve a life free of any lingering guilt or shame and subsequent emotional abuse inflicted upon you by the uncaring and bizarre way you were treated.

I want to kick his ass too.

Anagrammy

Geeze! That is horrific!

I'm so sorry to know you experienced that and the suffering it caused.

I'm appalled that humans do this type of thing...

Why is it, with all the understanding and supportive comments here, that I'm more upset about the one stupid asshole comment (now deleted)? Shit happens, there's always going to be the one asshole, that's just life. I'm just sorry to hear that so many of you have been through worse than I have. I'm just angry and frustrated that I can't give these people what they deserve. "local cop", you don't know how lucky you are that you can hide behind your online anonymity.

I think whoever did that is a recurring troll and didn't actually mean anything they said - the racism is consistent with other comments I've seen. I was impressed how quickly admin got it down, but I was sad you saw it before they got to it.

I am so sorry this happened to you. You are very brave and courageous, you are a survivor, not a victim.

I too, was raped as a teenager. "aquaintence rape" still equals rape. I had been taught my whole life that "it would be better to be dead than to lose my "virtue". I tried to kill myself that night. I couldn't tell my parents either. So, just like you, I went to the bishop-surely he could help me. I knew that God loved me, and felt sure I could get some help.

Like you, when I was sitting in the bishops office, I couldnt speak. So I was asked if I had a problem with immorality. I numbly said yes. Then I was promptly dis-fellowshipped, (remember: I was a 14 year old child, and I had just been raped within the last 24 hours, as well as downing some of my dads pills). I was counseled that I needed to repent for MY PART in the rape.

Fast forward several years, several suicide attempts, and you would find a stunted and broken young adult/mother/wife. Every time I would try to "get my life in order"- go to church, do all the millions of things required, speak to the bishop..... I was reminded repeatedly that although I had "repented" for my past "immorality", anytime I had a sexual thought,masturbated, or read an unclean book, all of those past "SINS" came back as if I had never repented.

I cannot/ do not have the words to express the soul crushing lifelong depression, self hatred and overwhelming anxiety this has caused. Not just for me: the sickening truth, as evidenced in this one small corner of our world, (this board), is That this is still happening to many many women and girls in the church.
absolutely chilling.
There are hundreds, thousands, of our daughters/sisters/wives/mothers who have lived this nightmare.
The pattern of behavior/ company policy of TSCC is killing our loved ones.
Im curious to know how many ladies on the board have had similar experiences.

Thank you for your bravery. It gave me the courage to finally tell a bit of my story. Sometimes even the smallest of our actions can be a light in the dark for another.

Truly- Thank you

Another quick note: This is actually the main reason I resigned from the church. When I found out about Jospeh Smith's disgusting/evil behavior toward 14 year old Helen Marr Kimball, that was the end.

DONE.

You know why? I know exactly what it feels like to be victimized and re-victimized by the church. And I wept for both of us, the 14 year old girl I was, and Helen.

Victimizing children and women is NEVER of GOD, NO MATTER if one is a so called prophet,seer, or revelator.. Just saying

It must have taken a great deal of courage and determination for you to have reached where you are now with all this.

Thank you for posting!

I can't even imagine the numbing fear you were feeling. Scares me just reading your story.

It is so sad that you could not have felt that you could have turned to the bishop. You must have needed comfort and reassurances so badly, more than you knew.

I am so glad you are here and you have reality instead of religion to give perspective to the tough things in life.

For the life of me, I just do not get a bishop placing any blame on the victim. Are they all missing a sensitivity chip?

May karma come back to all these crappy individuals and preferably infest their bowels with all kinds of pinchered creatures, or sOmething to that effect.

Bravo to the brave, courageous, and free!

I read this morning what happened to that 18 year old girl in the Ukraine and I felt sick.

Raped by 3 aquaintances, strangled, set on fire and left for dead in a construction ditch.

A passerby found her a day later but her righht arm and both her feet had to be amputated.
She finally died 3 weeks later.

Whether it's physical or emotional injuries, just about every other woman in mental health facilities has been violated somehow.
Sad state of affairs.