While I have been doing surprisingly better with females and dating since leaving the church, I have also discovered that somehow I have never learned to bond with other men. My only male friends are my brothers and a BIL, and I don't hang out with them all that much.

I've always gotten along well with male coworkers, and I am more popular at the water cooler now, but I don't go out for guys night, or go get a drink after work with my buds. I feel that there is a major part of my life that is missing. Any advice?

No advice. I typically have the same problem with women, though over the last couple of years I've made some really good female friends.

Do dudes invite you to do stuff? Are you into sports? You can always initiate the getting together.

I am a guy, but not into stereotypical "guy" stuff. I have no interest in sports or bars for example.

I simply do the things I enjoy doing, and make friends with the other people who are doing the same things.

I am not into sports, which is a huge problem. The only idea that seems worse, to me, then bouncing a ball around for a couple of hours, is sitting around watching other guys do it.

That one made me LOL!

It sounds like you have enough conversation at work that you can find someone with similar interests just by sharing your own (like what you did over the weekend). From there you can initiate a get-together, have them bring some of their friends who share that interest and maybe from there you'll connect with some other guys that you don't work with.

Go out with them after work some time.

I think I've picked up that you're a gamer. Are you enough of one that you go to those LAN party things? (I really don't know what I'm talking about, so maybe that was stupid...) Make guy friends there?

Or don't even worry about it. I get the impression (and maybe I'm wrong) that you're interested in settling down with the right woman. Not having too many guy friends could make a relationship easier in some ways (assuming it doesn't make you clingy..but even if you are, and she ends up being sort of introverted too - it could totally be a win-win.)

Do you really care about having guy friends or do you just think you should have them?

I think it may be more of the later. I have always been a bit of a loner. While I do enjoy games, I do not get to play them as much as I used to.

I think that a big problem I have, is that I am very free willed, and just hate going along with a group. I don't hate people, but I like doing my own thing.

Okay then. What, exactly, is your own thing?

Find a hobby or whatever it is that you're passionate about. You will tend to draw people (both men and women) into and around you that have similar interests. Love your life and people then become attracted to that :-)

At my age, it's difficult to have friends in general. Everyone I know is busy, busy, busy with their own families and work. People don't seem to have free time to socialize much.

I get along well with my guy friends at work, and I'm sure we'd have fun getting together for some type of guy activity. Just none of us has the time.

I was really hurting for social contact until recently (thank God) my sister and bro-in-law moved here from another state. They can and do get on my nerves, but I still enjoy hanging out with them and so glad that I'm getting at least a small amount of much-needed social time.

My husband is like you. In fact, when he was younger he had a gaggle of girl friends and only one really good male friend. He just seems to get along better with females. He's a big burly guy, but just not into stereotypical guy stuff. He has a lot of hobbies, but spends most of his time with ur son and me! He does feel a little left out sometimes when he can't really participate in all the conversations about sports and women, etc., when the guys all get together for lunch at work, but I love him and we have a great thing going here with our little family. Rely on those you love, and just be yourself. Honestly, having a good partner makes all the difference!

I think depends on the stage of life you're in. When you're married with kids, it takes all your time just to get by. I think my wife is my best friend and enjoy spending my time with her. Having other friends would be just too time consuming. Also, I have family members that help me fill the "social time" need. I spend alot of time with my dad (workin on the farm) and I suppose he fills alot of the guy friend need. When I was younger and single, having friends was great, since they facilitated doing lots of fun things. Maybe when I "retire" and have nothing better to do, then friends would be nice to fill the extra time with. The one good thing about having a guy friend is that most guys understand exactly what you're talking about since we tend to experience the same things. Women don't always get it anymore than men get what women are going through.

I guess that wasn't much advice on finding friends, but, maybe it will help to know that friends are not always all that necessary for happiness.

From what I've seen you aren't missing out on that much. Men in groups are good for things like war, or a game of golf. After that, they just get into trouble. :)

I have about equal female friends and male friends.

My male friends tend not to be your typical guys though (whatever the hell that means). I don't really fit the typical guy profile myself...so that makes sense.

I do enjoy an occasional sports game though. And beer, well, is like a religion to me.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/30/2012 01:02PM by archytas.

You have me, FCD! Not your typical friendship, of course, but I DO watch RfM assiduously for your latest posts, and always cheer you on!

I was the same way. I always did my own thing and did not hang with the crowd. I changed it around by letting other people know what I enjoy doing and inviting them to do it with me. Now I have a good group of guys and girls that just like to do the same stuff I do.

Being raised mormon REALLY screws up your interpersonal relationships, because they are all founded on a single belief, and if you do not particitpate, especially as a youth, you are branded as "less than". When you create a circle of influence outside of the controlled one that the church subscribes, you have to learn a new pattern of behavior, and interact with people in a much deeper fashion. It is hard, but it will get easier with time.

Just to give you hope, since I have changed how I interact, I am now in the "good ol' boys club" at my job.

I was told this by someone who was not in it, I did not realize it on my own.

How about poker?

You're drinking now, is there a bar close to where you work?

Hiking-- the Mountaineers have singles hikes and there are plenty of both genders there to make new friends.

Kids -- if you like the outdoors, you might like non-mo Scouts. The leaders are actually interested in teaching outdoor skills to boys and they form solid friendships with each other.

The key is following genuine interests. If you feel a lacking in that area, you are not alone. Mormonism sucks up so much time that many of us dropped our genuine interests or budding hobbies to "build up the Kingdom."

Well, you are the new King, so it might be time to expose yourself to a variety of interests, take some classes, etc. Taking an adult class on a Saturday- a one day activity can bring a whole new dimension of exploration into your life. Interests plus possible new friends of both sexes.

Good luck, FCD

Anagrammy

PS. The reason men have trouble with men friends is because women are usually ready, willing and able to do all the emotional work of maintaining the relationship.

Men go along with that because it's easier, hence they never learn those relationship-maintaining skills. For example:

You have to listen and remember what the other person says.

You have to refer things the other person said (to communicate that you were paying attention).

You have to actually care about the other person's well-being (no faking).

You have to be willing to listen to repetitions of stories from the past (they need to tell it again and you care about them, so you listen).

You have to call to reconnect a MINIMUM of once every two weeks. You have to have a plan of something fun to do when you call, an invitation to an activity of joint interest. Otherwise you end up sounding needy, like you are trying to take away the friend from his wife and family just to meet your emotional needs.

These are for starters.

Best

Anagrammy

i don't either - i'm a totally hetero dude that's into the outdoors and sports but can't hang out with guys to save my life...

but then, i've always had close friends that are girls so i'm not lonely for friendship (it took some adjusting for gf to trust that my female friends are totally just friends)

just own it - bromance isn't for everyone

ps - watch "I Love You Man" - it's a funny story about a dude with no guy friends that gets engaged and then realizes he doesn't have a best man for his wedding...

Golf. You can join a men's club. You'll always have friends to golf with which will lead to doing other things with them. Sunday golf is great.

"I've always gotten along well with male coworkers, and I am more popular at the water cooler now, but I don't go out for guys night, or go get a drink after work with my buds. I feel that there is a major part of my life that is missing. Any advice?"

Do you live in Utah because if you do, then I don't see alot of "going out to Happy Hour" and such in this state. We end up at someone's house (where it's safer and I guess other people don't see you)

Do you play COD MW3 on ps3?

If so, I'll give you my ps3 name and we can play!

You'll have PLENTY of male friends after only one night.

(Don't worry, I'd protect you from the "vultures" - heh heh)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/30/2012 11:38PM by PapaKen.