Posted by:
sdee
(
)
Date: April 01, 2012 01:41AM
Cheesy, but true: it's like breathing again.
I never really had a testimony, but believed everyone when they said it could be attained. So I kept trucking. It took my BIC, TBM husband to start doubting for me to open up to the possibility that it wasn't true.
And when I finally stopped swallowing the "Satan is deceiving us," the world opened up.
I realized that I'd never really embraced doing the things I loved. I DID what I liked doing, but never EMBRACED it - because there was always that whole "good, better, best" thing in the back of my mind. So even after accomplishing something awesome or finishing a good, uplifting, inspiring book, there'd still be that nagging: "Yeah, but I didn't read my scriptures. And I still need to make a visiting teaching appointment. And read the lesson for Sunday." Now, I just let the things that make me happy...make me happy.
I took up sweet tea, frappucinos, and best of all, chai tea again. On the surface level, this seems like such a stupid thing (woopty-do, you can drink something different now.) But there's a lot of joy that comes with taking ownership of what you do or don't do with your body (and your time.)
I always struggled with being judgmental before and during my activity in the Church. Some unrelated experiences + doing such a 180 with my beliefs has significantly diminished how much of a b*tch I am.
Guilt has diminished about enjoying music I like. Funny thing is, (most of) the music I like isn't even inappropriate in any way. But if there was a lyric that wasn't in line with the teachings of the Church, or language, or any of that, I was prone to, again, the "good, better, best" crap.
One of the best things is the RELIEF. So many things never added up to me, and I could never get past the feeling I had that JS was manipulative...so to finally realize that there were valid reasons for me to feel that way, and that I no longer have to make anything FIT - is so, so nice.
Finally being honest with myself is a huge factor in my increased happiness. I think that giving some credit to my own thoughts and feelings has boosted my self-esteem. The more I lean on doing what feels right to ME, the more confident I am. That helps me deal with our families that are hurt and disappointed by where we're at. Meaning: it's just not up for discussion.
I'm actually pretty grateful for my 7-year stint of activity. For one, I'm glad I gave it a fair shot, because with all my siblings and my parents being active members, I would have always felt like "Well, maybe they're right. Never know until I try it," (and they would have felt the same way.) It did help me soften my attitudes, helped me look outside myself a bit, and, most importantly, landed me the best husband I could have asked for, and tricked me into motherhood - a path I wouldn't have chosen so early in life, but I love, love, love my little family. Being a mother and wife has bettered me exponentially. I do look forward to doing other things with my life later on, but for now, I'm very happy with where I'm at.
Especially now that I've taken all the good things from Mormonism, I'm free to add anything "virtuous, lovely, or of good report or (that is) praiseworthy," and subtract the bullshit.
And for the record, I'm actually on board with the "good, better, best" idea. I just don't believe it needs to be in the context of what a bunch of old guys, past polygamists, adulterers, racists, and liars think is "best." One size does not fit all, dudes.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/01/2012 01:45AM by sdee.