I spent part of this morning re-reading some extremely hurtful emails I received from my family about three years ago. At the time, I had made the decision to divorce my husband, and to be with a man whom I admittedly, was involved with while still married. I still live with the shame of breaking my marriage covenant to my then-spouse. But I have very slowly picked up the pieces of my life, and have become someone I actually like better. Saying it has been difficult would be an extreme understatement. I came here trying to understand why I was so severely shunned by what I considered true friends and strong family relationships. I have found exactly the perspective I was seeking.

When I read back over each email, my heart broke again, realizing they truly cannot accept me in my sin. Nor will they accept my husband. But reading it again, realizing what I have learned here about the psychology of a tbm, it helped me to know that it isn't all me. It's them, too. They are so entrenched in their belief system, that they cannot possibly be compassionate or supportive for their village sinner.

It makes much more sense now, given the time that has passed, and the things I've learned since. So thank you exmo board. I know some of you thought I was a troll when I first posted my story. Probably because I used so many abbreviations, so as not to come up on a Google search.

Anyway, I am tempted to post the emails here, but am afraid for fear of being recognized. I will think about it. But either way, having some understanding has been nothing short of relief.

People change and go different ways over time. One door closes. Another opens. New journeys. We all have different ways of doing what makes us happy.

People who are dogmatic don't like it when "rules" get broken. It makes them uncomfortable and they feel the need to attack whatever threatens their structure and views.

You are not going to make them change their world view. They are not going to understand that you changed and grew in your own way. They would prefer you remain miserable than break the rules. Their way of dealing with people who don't play along is to label them as "sinners."

I don't think you should post the emails here (just my opinion). Most of us know exactly what they say. We know the mindset.

I'm not justifying what you did or didn't do. I do know I don't care who other people want to be with and how they want to change and grow in their lives. People change over time and I think it is wrong to expect everyone to stay the same forever. Sometimes people in relationships grow in the same directions and sometimes they don't. Life is short and you can only please yourself. People who need to control who you should be with are going to be high maintenance relationships. I've decided those types are not really worth the effort to make them accept my decisions.

It's your life. You have to make the decisions for your own happiness. I think you should lower your expectations and realize the people who wrote those emails simply were responding in the way they were taught. They don't know any better. They live in a bubble. Don't give them any power. Who cares what they think. Don't let them have the power to hurt you. See them as the narrow minded control freaks they are.

dagny Wrote:
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> I don't think you should post the emails here
> (just my opinion). Most of us know exactly what
> they say. We know the mindset.
Do, however, go over them with your husband, or another exmo (real life) friend if you feel like it will help you to revisit and redigest, in an understanding environment. It can do wonders.

The first thing that we should all consider is that neither you, nor I, nor anyone else on this planet is perfect. We are all human, we all make mistakes. So the people who are shunning have made mistakes too. They live by a flawed religion and they could all use a good dose of reality. You can't do much to change them, so you just need to continue to find a way to deal with their self-righteous BS. It's all about your attitude, not theirs.

I have a similar story to you. I found my true Love but, unfortunately we were both married to other people at the time we found each other. That was 7 years ago. I have learned a few things since then.

1) - It is dishonest to stay in a marriage with someone you don't love. I stayed because I didn't want to deal with a divorce, though I should have dealt with it, things would have been so much more civil in the long run.

2) - My TBM family is in a cult and they will never accept me for who I am and what I've learned.

3) - Find your Love and your life and live it!

vulturetamer Wrote:
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> I still live with the shame of
> breaking my marriage covenant to my then-spouse.

If that's the worst thing you've done in life, you get a free pass to heaven as far as I'm concerned.

Thank you. Thank you for the beautiful insight. It has been a journey, and I appreciate the kind words and perspective. I feel some peace at this point after really digesting things. I'm actually glad I read the emails again, and that I've been able to put some of the anguish to rest.

What could it possibly matter to these people who you chose to sleep with, married or not?
Don't they have enough problems to work through in their own lives?

Don't agonize over what some deluded TBMs wrote 3 years ago, it's water under the brige. Move on.
Living well is the best revenge.

IMO you should delete those e-mails. Reading them obviously does you no good.

Your family may not have understood your actions, or approved of your actions, but when you think about it, what you did probably had close to zero impact on their day-to-day lives. So the fact that they would expend so much negative mental energy on your situation says a lot more about them than it says about you.

I'm with Mia. I would delete the emails. You know who you're dealing with.

I am sorry for the hurt and happy for what you have learned.

A couple thoughts:
1) Rereading hurtful emails 3 years later seems like a bad idea. It seems kind off like opening a healed wound to see if it still hurts inside.
2) It's been 3 years; it is possible that your family has revised their thinking and feeling towards you somewhat. It's possible that they haven't.