She shows up out of the blue, telling me she needs to use my internet for a couple of minutes, because it has not been hooked up yet in her new house. Oh yeah, her new house is on the other side of town, and it takes a good half hour to drive from there to me, on a good day.

Then as I was sending her away, she tells me that I have some pots that are hers, and that she wants them back. They are ten dollar pots, and we separated two years ago.

She does stuff like this all the time. How do I get her to leave me alone?

I just remember, I know how much the pots cost, because I was the one who bought them.

"She does stuff like this all the time. How do I get her to leave me alone?"

Restraining order



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2012 11:27AM by nonmo.

Do you think she is having trouble accepting the divorce?

Yes, rander70, I think she is. About five months after we finalized the divorce, I overheard her tell someone she was going to save her marriage. It was at a kid's social event, where we both ended up attending.

Maybe you still have residual loyalty to her?

Ultimately it's all about "just saying no".

If you aren't ready to do that, you aren't ready to stop her.

..."I need to use your Internet."

"No." (Close door or hang up phone.)

My husbands ex always wanted to come in and have a look around when she dropped off and picked up. And that was with me there.

My husband had to lay down some rules.
She did a drop off one day, and I took the child and went out in the back yard to play with him (a pre arranged sitter could do this for you). He then sat her down and told her she was no longer welcome past the front door. They had already divided their things up, and she was never to call him unless it had to do with their childs school, illness, or visitation schedule. He very nicely told her that they had spent their time together, it didn't work out, and he was done, and he meant it.

After that she would get out of the car and send the child to the door to ring the bell. She stopped the crazy phone calls, and quit asking to use his stuff, fix her car, etc.

Setting clear boundaries, and following through worked for us. She didn't call again for 20 years. She wanted to know to know if she should get a crib for the new grand baby, or if we already had.

I have let my ex walk over me, because it's just me. But if I had remarried and had someone else to worry about, I would like to think that I would do the same thing. He's right. They had their time. It didn't work out. It's over. He's with you now. She can't just come over. It isn't fair or respectful to you.

One step ahead of you. Last time I did laundry, at a public place, I somehow ended up with a woman's thong in my basket. I am going to strategically leave this out in the middle of the living room floor, next time she comes to drop of my son, then firmly tell her she can not come in, because I have company who is getting dressed in the back room.

That, and I am working on getting a real girl too, but having a clingy ex-wife makes that difficult.

Be careful with that if she's the type to accuse you of sleeping with your girlfriend while your son is there and try to take visitation away. Oh wait you're not in Utah are you? That probably wouldn't work in the south ... I dunno. Be careful giving her ammo tho.

Call your ex and say, come over.

Then when she comes over and comes inside with a half naked escort, simply state, "I'm glad your here, I need help with a project."

+1

If you are divorced, you are under no obligation to acknowledge her presence. Simple as that. If she shows up at your door, you can decide to answer or not. If she shows up at the grandkids party, you have the choice of whether you talk to her or not. It has worked for me. I have been divorced from my previous wife for ten years, and the best part has been that I haven't had to talk to her, not even once in that time. Grandkids party, I just pretend she isn't there. I don't say hi, I certainly don't ask how she's doing. I seriously don't care how she is doing. I don't want to hear her Whiney, squeaky voice, so I choose not to. If you treat her like that, she won't bother you after awhile.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2012 11:34AM by foundoubt.

We've been divorced three years now, and she still claims that my property belongs to her, because it was joint property when we were married. She uses guilt tactics, lies and just plain endless nagging until she gets what she wants. She'll just make some completely erroneous statement to see if she can make it stick. Then she'll use it later to get something of mine. It's very annoying.

You just have to learn to say no. It's your stuff, not hers. She can say whatever she wants. I just let my ex go on and on about whatever bullshit she thinks, but when she tries to get my stuff I say no. Or maybe I'll say yes if I think it will benefit our son, but it's my decision.

That's my situation. She is also a moral coward who hides behind our toddler son, because she knows I don't like to make a scene in front of him.

At his age, he doesn't understand I am telling Mommy she can't come in, and would take it as me saying that he can not come in. Usually, I send him to go play in the backroom, then get firm without raising my voice, but she just either rolls her eyes or gets hysterical.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2012 11:47AM by forbiddencokedrinker.

My ex does that too. Oh, don't get me started. I'm going to end this here.

She comes over and demands to come in or that she needs #### (something that's yours but she believes is hers). Have you considered in follow up just documenting to her via email a message that:

1. You do not agree to her coming in your residence under any circumstance.
2. You do not agree to her verbally asking to come inside your residence under any circumstance while she is physically at or near your residence.
3. You do not agree to her verbally ask for any items that are on your residence property while she is at or near your residence.
4. You will not engage in any verbal discussions on the matters involved in this email and that all such matters must be done through writing.

Yeah, that's a different situation than mine. We didn't have any kids at home, so it has been very easy for me. One girl was grown and the other was older and graduated from HS. So I guess with a toddler, you have to talk to her on occasion.

Once again, for you guys with problem (especially abusive) ex-wives, I recommend visiting www.shrink4men.com.

I also agree with foundoubt. Being divorced means you don't have to deal with your ex anymore, except for issues pertaining to your children. It's great if you can have an amicable relationship, but I think sometimes when there is a breakup, manipulative people will use petty disputes to keep inappropriate communications open.

You're going to have to set some boundaries with her. I would try looking her in the eye and just saying a quiet, "no." Hold her gaze and let that sit in the air for a few seconds. She knows that she's out of line.

If she argues the point, go into a circular refusal. Why can't she come in? Because it's not a good time for you. Why isn't it a good time? Because you simply can't. Why can't you? Because it's not a good time right now. Etc.

Then give your son a cuddle and send her on her way.

As an alternative, I like Mak's idea about telling her that you'll discuss it another time. I would tell her that the divorce (and the asssociated property division) happened two years ago. If she's mistakenly left something of a highly personal nature (jewelry, a family heirloom, photos,) you'd be happy to discuss it with her. But pots and pans? You're sure that she'll enjoy shopping for some new ones.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2012 12:19PM by summer.

My husband's ex-wife was like that when we were dating. Once she realized that we were serious, she went and found another man to marry. She was still a pain in the ass, but my husband learned to just ignore her. She never came in our house, she'd pick up the kids and they'd be ready and we'd shuffle them out to her. In retrospect, I wish things could've been more amicable for the girls' sake, but it's all a learning process. Learn to say NO, without any explanation. Just, NO. Leave your son out of it. He may be young now, but they're little sponges, they pick up on everything. Always make sure you tell him you love him, your feelings for his Mom have nothing to do with him, it's not his fault, etc. But definitely choose wisely when it comes to your next serious relationship. And maybe make some phone calls to guys who have ever shown an interest in your EX! Maybe she'll find someone else to depend on. Good luck!

If she comes over out of the blue, you say "No." If she asks why, you say "because you didn't even think to call ahead and ask if it were a good time for me." Then close the door.

Your decision to ask your son to go into another room is a good one. Kids are kids, though - if he does see and gets upset, use it as a simple lesson to teach that you need to ask and get a "yes" from the owners before using their things. Then tell him that Mommy was helping you teach him good manners.

Did she want the divorce? Seems kind of odd--but then, again, my "ex"--I'm pretty sure he just wanted me to keep the home fires burning while he pursued his life--but then our situation is different.

Now we live together part of the time. He is living in "our" home because I usually spend most of my time in Colorado with my boyfriend. It has been "interesting" in that my ex has a more difficult time with the boyfriend than the boyfriend has with the ex.

My thoughts, though, as I was reading is to just ignore it. See if it gradually dies off.

I always feel that truth spoken lovingly is the best deterrent because it holds people subtly accountable for their passive aggressive behavior.

Which is what this is.

Ask to speak to her privately and tell her kindly, "I notice that you seem to feel it's all right for you to (call/come over/ask favors/whatever). This divorce is a big adjustment for us and it's important that we structure our relationship based on mutual respect, right? (wait for her agreement)

We are not friends--we are co-parents. Going forward, our interactions are only based around our child's needs and schedules. I am asking you to respect my wishes and call someone else if you need a ride home, a pot, use of the internet, etc.

We are adults here and I am asking you to please respect my (request/wishes/privacy) and stop (calling, dropping over, treating me like your BFF). Could you do that?

Thank you so much.

Good luck FCD

Anagrammy

I have a suggestion that is best sent privately - send me an email (you can see mine if you click on my name on my post about my mother), and I'll fill you in.

events.

If called on it, she is likely to claim it only happened a couple of times.

Change the locks?