I am so frustrated...I don't even know what a healthy relationship is because I've never seen one- my psycho TBM mom and my nevermo dad had the worst divorce I personally have ever seen...and her marriage with her new TBM husband is the most superficial crap I've ever seen...I feel so lonely all the time because I am terrified of being in a relationship...I know I'm so young but I've been the third wheel at the past like 10 gatherings I've attended and I'm getting so sick of it...I'm at the point where I feel like I'm not good enough for a good guy because I have so much emotional baggage...I have awful anxiety and going from believing in god and an afterlife for 18 years than suddenly not at all has completely thrown me off and left me more confused than ever...I feel like I have taken on so much for someone my age that I can't even enjoy what I'm supposed to...I don't even know how to have normal relationships with my siblings- we all get along but I am completely the black sheep because I think too much and I worry too much and I just push everyone away...I don't know how to open up to people and I don't know how to ask for help...I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I feel so screwed up and so lonely. I'm good at faking happiness but I wish I genuinely was. (I know I need therapy..haha work in progress.) I just wish the church didn't give me such distorted views growing up...their ideas of relationships with the people around you make no sense. Even when I'm fooling around with a guy, I get that guilty feeling from time to time because it was drilled into my mind growing up that that was immoral...and then I end up completely pushing the guy away. Ugggh. Sorry, just needed to vent I guess.

ajhart;

Your post touched a neuron, a nerve, an emotion. I felt like I was listening to my daughter and looking back on my own life, seven siblings and seven children; living with many personalities, a divorce (mine), childrens' reactions to a divorce, remarriage, and attempts at healing, forgetting, and new dramas that mostly occur when sharing information/truth from personal studies/reading, when no one else (siblings) reads. On this site there are athesits, agnostics, christians of various strains; your journey will bring you whatever you seek. Stay open, ask, even if you don't know who/what to ask. Your journey will bring you what you seek and you will look back at some time, read a thread like this, and respond with the richness of your soul. Peace.

Hey sweetie! That is what mothers say in Texas, forgive me. Breathe. It is a crappy thing coming out of Mormonism and the way it messes with your mind. I am a 1.5 out and still processing it all. I look forward to the day when it does not bother me anymore. There is nothing wrong with you! You are perfectly human. Loves

If it helps, I have long ago decided that there is no such thing as a "normal" relationship. They are all different.

Haha that does help a little. I guess I'll just have to find a guy whose just as screwed up as I am lol.

And thank you flyindoc and tiptoes...you guys are very sweet:)

You are close to that opening, expontential stage of learning, awakening not "screwed up"

As far as my relationships with other people - I still can't trust anyone enough to get close, but since I'm gay, that's mission accomplished for TSCC.

You'll probably roll your eyes at this, but I did feel like that from my childhood all through my 20s. Major misfit. I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough... you get the idea. It sucked. All my friends had "someone" but I didn't. A few of my friends tried to fix me up, and it never worked out.

OK, I'll give you the short version... When I was 30 years old, I met The Best Man Ever™! A man who not only loves me, but actually LIKES me! He's a bit of a misfit himself so it works. I guess the rocks in his head fit the holes in my head!

25 years (as of the 26th of this month!) later and it's still wonderful.

So I had to wait... and waiting ain't easy. I can look back now and say it was worth the wait, but back then I figured I would never find anyone. I resigned myself to being alone. I found out that I enjoyed my own company, and I decided that I was no longer going to date unsuitable guys just because I didn't want to be alone.

Funny thing. That was when good things started to happen.

What I am saying is hang in there. Learn to like yourself, and to hell with all the Morg negativity.

You realize we both basically have the same thread running right now.

From what I've read on this board, we've had similar messed up childhoods. I understand how you feel. I'm not positive what to tell you about advice cuz I have similar problems. Life can suck. What I do is try to find something happy in my life, no matter how small. And do it everyday. I think I need counseling too. I'm 23 and I'm a new mom. I don't want to raise her in any kind of way that's similar to my upbringing. I feel fucked up half the time and I know I need to work out my issues so I don't pass any onto her. Just know there are plenty of people here for you that understand how you feel. Wish I could give you a hug. I watched one of your videos. You are beautiful and smart! You can do this!

ajhart, my daughter ran to Mormons when she saw her dad leave our family. She had told them 5 months earlier to leave her alone. We were so thrilled. The lovebombing had been quite severe. Well, her Dad did some things that rocked our world and the rest is history. I have survived the heartbreak of her converting. It has been hard. My heart was truly broken.

YOU will get over this slump you are in too. As far as relationships go, tell the guy you are with what you are going through and this may help. Some men are actually quite able to be compassionate. Explain how your family operates and you really want to be cared about for the new person you are. If you can't get it at home with mom and new spouse or with siblings, then reach out to friends and if you get in a relationship take it slow. That could be the place you really need to be. It will all work out.

Divorce stinks. I have been there, done that. You will heal over time but you will never forget. If the other party in a marraige lies, cheats and steals there will be issues. Don't know your parents' situation at the time, but it is THEIR issue. You need to move on in a positive fashion regardless if you have their support or not. YOU can do this. Keep thinking positive.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/09/2012 12:39AM by honestone.

I can empathize with most of these things. I've felt the same feelings of guilt while doing "things" with the opposite sex even though I've moved on from the church. I feel like there's an emotional scar left behind that may not ever fully go away and it's hard to work around it.

It's interesting that you say you don't know "what a healthy relationship is" because I've been thinking that same thing for a few years now from watching my parent's messed up marriage. My TBM mom has always set the standard for a good husband too high for my dad who has never fully accepted her beliefs. Even so, my dad has always provided for our family and it makes me angry that she doesn't acknowledge all the good he's done but instead focuses on the fact that he doesn't have a temple recommend. That leaves me wondering now what girls outside of mormonism expect from men if not the whole "worthy priesthood holder" position? Like you said, how are we supposed to know exactly what a "healthy relationship" is if we have been raised observing a distorted view of it? I don't have an answer for it so all I can really say is that you're not alone (which you told me about a month ago when I was having problems). Like others have said, communicating this to a guy (which is probably a lot easier said than done) would be the best way to deal with the issue because we guys do try to listen and be compassionate from time to time haha ;)

I was the 3rd wheel for a long time myself. I was the youngest of seven kids and the only one that ever moved out of our home state...NY. I always felt lonely and in a big hurry to find someone to love and to love me. I know all older folks tell youngsters to slow down and enjoy your youth and none of us listen, but please try :) Finding a career and traveling are wonderful things...you have lots of time to find love and settle down later. Some of my greatest memories are working in my 20's and enjoying the freedom and self sufficiency that I had obtained. If you can find friends that enjoy similar activities and work toward a fulfilling job all of the rest will fall into place.

Good luck to you in your journey. We've all been in your situation at one time or another.

I totally understand I am kind of in the same situation, my parents have been and are on the verge of actual divorce which has basically their entire marriage. Your description of your parents sounds scarily like mine as well. I just got past the mission obstacle myself and am barely stepping out myself. I'll promise you one thing it does get better. Everyday i come a little closer to some clarity. I wont lie some days it really depresses me but those times are getting fewer. You'll come to a point where you can be happy and can deal with your familly whatever that may be. Some days i can, other days i cant fake the face. But i think were all working on it i dont think if we didnt have mind games played with us this wouldnt exist

And as for the dating, im so lost on that as well haha. Its a tough transition thats my next goal to figure that one out. Its funny to say but i dont even really know what its like dating a non-mormon! Its definitely hard to remove the guilt there i completely get that

If I wasn't stuck in Florida... Well, I probably couldn't give you a good long term relationship, but I could probably manage one heck of a wild short term one.

Back in my dating days and still TBM I first started messing around with girls when I was 23 years old. I've oftent thought that messing around before marriage was one of the best things I've ever done. I needed to start my path on to "normal".

But what a freak I was! I would feel so guilty that I would totally turn the girl away and she would feel hurt and guilty as well. But over the years I finally stopped feeling so guilty and start just being human.

Just remember that you can't undo years of hard-core insanity training overnight. Hang in there and find some good exmo friends to hang out with. Even today at 54 years old I need that friendship and the opportunity to vent.

ajhart, I hear ya! I was in a similar boat. My parents are not mormons but have a screwed up relationship; me joining TSCC and seeing the disfunctions there did not help either. Honestly, it took me years to get to a point where I can open up and enjoy a relationship for what it is. I met my fabulous BF 4 years ago and still going strong. I have to admit, he was pretty patient with my messed up self at the beginning and there was a lot of WTF situations.

I would recommend counseling if you can find a good non-LDS one. Educate yourself on psychology, relationships, personalities, interactions, anything in that regard that will give you a different view than what you see around. I was lucky to have a very good friend, nevermo, older, with lots of experiences in this area, who kind of guided me through my change. He would always say that if I'm not getting the results I want, I should change what I'm doing :) What I really needed (and you may too) was a new "reference system" for what is normal and what is not, what I want and what I do not want, and adjusting my life accordingly.

I guess I just wanted to say that it takes time but it's possible so hang in there!

You get to make mistakes in relationships.

Whatever you do, don't trap yourself in something long term out of desperation.

Date around. See what works and what doesn't.

And most of all. NEVER sell yourself short. You are ajhart, a totally badass smoking hot metal chick and you deserve a great guy!

Raptor Jesus, you are a ray of sunshine in my sad little life. :)

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words- I always feel better after reading all of your success stories...you guys are great:)

I think a favorable relationship is one where both ppl have similar values and interests and they can communicate effectively.

although now I'm in my 50s and in the relationship I wanted to be in in my 20s (I met him when I was 20). I just really think there is no rhyme or reason to dating and relationships. Yes, mormonism messed me up and dating inside of mormonism was horrible. I ended up married to my gay ex--and now I see it as a good thing. I was raised with the idea of a "one and only" and I thought all my friends were being blessed because they were all getting married and I wasn't--and mormon men weren't in the least bit interested in me--but I couldn't fight the nonmos off and I was very molly. I didn't dress or look molly, but I was very devout.

After my ex left--after all I had been through--I decided I would never date again (especially mormons)--that it was just too much work. Nine years later, that guy from my 20s divorced. I won't marry again though. I think I'm very messed up in terms of giving up my power to men. I need some autonomy to keep my head together and be strong in a relationship (but my kids are raised).

BUT what I found is the harder I tried to find someone, it never happened. The few guys I could have married--they just happened into my life and I didn't pay much attention to them at all--and those were the relationships that blossomed. It was never those I focused on or had a crush on. I think part of it is just letting go and not worrying about it. Let it happen. (And, like someone else said, NEVER sell yourself short.)

Early adulthood is hard. You have a lot of major decisions to make, you want a relationship, and you don't have a lot of experience, money, etc. Plus, you have recently made major shift in your life view. It's a lot to take on.

Can I make a suggestion? Set aside for a while the issues you don't have to deal with right now as much as you can. You can set aside, for example, thoughts about God and afterlife. The church teaches us that those are vital, immediate issues that we have to think about all the time. They may be important to many people, but they will also keep until later. God and afterlife, if they exist, aren't going anywhere. :-)

Prioritizing what you can and have to deal with right now and what you can wait on helps a lot.

As far relationships, they are individual. If you let yourself think of dating as exploration about who you are and what you like--and about having fun--it's easier and less loaded with self-judgment. The self-judgment, like the God-worries, are all Mormon baggage. Mormonism says, "You have to be worthy. Relationship have to lead to marriage." It's a big load to take into relationships.

Therapy may be helpful. If you are going to college, they often have low or no-cost counseling services. A support group or self-help book may be, also. One self-help book I like is Mind Over Mood. by Christine Padesky. It is a workbook that helps with anxiety and depression. It helps you identify and change thoughts that cause you to feel anxious or depressed. Another is What's Right With You by Barry Duncan, Ph.D.

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333982661&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Right-With-You-Dysfunction/dp/0757302548/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333984318&sr=1-3

Hang in there. Life will get better!

The good news is, you didn't get stuck in mormonism and end up only having mormon men to choose from.

I was single for most of my 20's, like Cl2 I also decided that dating was not worth the trouble. Shortly after that.....there he was, showing up out of nowhere.

Every time I've decided I'm done with men and all the stuff that goes with it, One showed up to interfere with my decision. That happened to me more than once. I'd made that decision when I met my husband (21 years). I didn't jump right into though. We were friends first. At the time,I needed friends more than love relationship. Eventually we ended up married.

Since marriage and family therapists commonly estimate about 80%+ of all families are dysfunctional, just how WOULD you define normal? Maybe our metrics of "normality" are way off, and terribly unrealistic.

In fact, normal is whatever makes you happy and doesn't harm anyone else. Watch the movie The Secretary. The moral of that flick is that there is someone for everyone, no matter how "off" thay might appear to be...

I've always been very, very afraid of commitment and it has affected pretty much every relationship I've had in the past 6 years. I am trying very hard to change that myself.

As a young man growing up there were some family members I didn't get along with. Every time there was a family gathering they would critize and cheap shot me. I got so I would not go to anything they were involved in. For several years I missed Thanksgivings ,,family reunions,,whatever. Who needs the negitive attude in life? I spent a lot of time in the mountains and enjoyed every minute alone.

unworthy, you did the right thing. Remove yourself from all the negativity. Poor things had nothing to do when you weren't there and you had good times doing other stuff.

Agreed- that's great advice. I wish I could just peace out to the mountains..