I am a regular poster here, and exmo for a few years now. I am in my 2nd marriage. I was married for a few decades before. My new wife of 2 years is about a decade younger than me...a very pretty woman, 120 pounds...sorts of looks like a young Sarah Palin. She is really good to me. I'm in a high level gov't position, with a 6 fig salary. She keeps me looking professional, and buys me nice clothes. Great cook. Trims my toe nails. Very sweet and loving. BUT, I did not realize when I married her how sloppy she is. She kept it clean when we were dating. Our bedroom is like something out of that hoarders show. It's so bad. The whole house is messy, but not as bad as the bedroom. It's like the bedroom is her dumping ground. I am a neat person. It's driving me crazy. She throws everything down on the floor. I have begged her to stop, and litterally clean up her act (no pun intended). I'm at wits end. Any advice? Anybody know anyone who has stopped this behavior?

If you have a '6 fig salary,' surely you can afford a maid.

You have no idea how much I pay in alimony. I can't right now.

You might be surprised how little a maid service costs (I'm not talking live in).

Is she really attached to "stuff" or just to lazy to pick it up?

I'll check into it. Probably disorganized more than lazy.

If thats her only flaw, you've got it made.

How does she feel about having a house keeper?

I think my husband is an over the top neat freak. Drives me nuts. We have had to compromise. My personal spaces, like drawers, my studio, my closet,my bathroom are off limits to him. Our shared spaces we have come to agreement and shared neatness.

I'm not a slob or a hoarder, I'm just not as oc as he is. I don't have the energy to be that way. If I tried to keep everything the way he would like it, I would be an exhausted, resentful, cranky person.

Read what Dr. John Gottman, the premier researcher into marriage, has to say about Perpetual Problems.

Check him out on Amazon and get going in this!

She trims your toenails though, right?

My DH can be pretty messy and really is clueless about birthdays and what not. Then again I am a big flake when it comes to some things.I have thrown the car keys in the trash, I have lost car keys at the mall, I have left ice cream on top of the frig, I have tripped and pushed the vacuum cleaner into a flat screen TV, I have locked him out of the house and did not realize it for an hour, and this is just some of the stuff I have done. If my DH can overlook all of that then I can certainly over look the messy.
So instead of looking at her faults, think of the ones you have and how she puts up with them.

If its bothering you that much, you need to talk with her about it. Open and honest communication is the best medicine.

when I tripping over things to get to the bathroom, stubbing my toe. It's hard to function with things this messy.

Pretty simple --like with your children --Buy a big toy hamper or laundary basket or perhaps one ot two of them.. You know the 55 gallon type -- EVERY morning or EVERY night just go around the room and pick up EVERYTHING and toss it in one of the baskets. **THEY ARE OUT OF YOUR LINE OF VISION* & every day you will have a clean room and you will know exactly the location of every item.

I did this with my kids --worked every time -- until they got the message !!.

JB

If my husband did that, we'd be on the war path. I don't need him to raise me.

You probably did. It seems like such a simple solution. She cooks and clips, you clean.

If she puts up with a 10 years older guy whose income goes toward alimony, you are getting the better deal.

Don't rock the boat.

Often, failure to keep a house neat has to do with depression. Perhaps she is is realizing that marriage to you is not as easy as she expected it to be.

It could be a deeper problem than just picking it all up. Look into defensive lines. These are lines that go around the bed/house that make it harder for an attacker to get to the bed while she is sleeping.Many adults use clothes instead of toys when they grow up.

wanna trade?

OMG this is so funny! Do you remember the song..."if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife...get an ugly girl to marry you"? Sorry if you were being serious, but it just made me laugh! ;)

You need to let it go my friend. You got your trophy wife, now she gets a messy bedroom. Simple. If you want this one to stick around, sounds like you need to lighten up.

IMO sell the house and buy 2 smaller ones - one for her; one for you. But in reality you can do this in your own house can't you? Could you have a Den or Office that is your neat freak Home Sweet Home and she has her mess as she wishes except there? I like the idea of the 55 gallon drum .... except that it should only be for your office/den. You deserve to have some part of the home where you can be a neat freak .... but not much of the house.

My wife is a packrat and a borderline hoarder. We have a house full of things we don't really need. This problem is very minor to me because she has so many fine and desirable qualities that compensate. She's very thrifty. (I'm happy happy HAPPY about that one!) She keeps our accounts perfectly and pays the bills. She keeps the living areas of the home clean, vacuuming often and washing dishes and clothes as needed. Kitchen surfaces are kept santitary. We both need help with the clutter factor and know that, so we haven't let it become an issue between us.

All I can say is that no one is perfect and often it's better to tolerate a "problem" like this unless it really impacts the quality of life.

Oh, and she has one other bad habit.. she's a TBM!

Is this how polygamy started?

well I guess make her watch hoarders marathon, only subject her to your friend's really clean houses, take her to hotels where everything is perfect. mabey she might get programed to start cleaning

I don't understand why you can't clean. Take the one thing that she can't get control of, her big defect, and manage it yourself. She puts up with your crap, and trust me, it sounds like she does a LOT for you. So instead of expecting her to be perfect in every area, do what is in YOUR CONTROL to manage the problem. Don't patronize her as if she were a child with a hamper to dump her clutter into. If you are a neat freak, let your freak flag fly all over that bedroom and keep it neat. She does a ton for you, you have a problem with this and you are asking for help about how to change an already really good catch? The change needs to come from you. You have a problem living that way, she is unable to keep things tidy (for whatever reason), so tidy up the bedroom. I'll bet she'd really appreciate having a clutter free room too, it's probably just beyond her own organizational control (for whatever reason).

This seems like a ridiculously simple problem to solve... unless you're not willing to take on that job.

She buys you nice stuff.
She cooks great meals for you.
She bounces up and down on an old guy's cock.
She trims your toenails?
She is really good to you.
She is very sweet.
She is very loving.
You're not satisfied.

Second marriage?

Hopefully for her number 3 is just around the corner.

I think that she is maybe 'failing' to pick up after you. It takes more than one person to mess up a house.

Do you have a house or a home?

Briggy

Is she basicly trying to fit into how you like things and thers litlte room for her? I tend to loose control of the messyness when someone desides for me that the place something should go in is to big and shrinks it for me to the point I have exess stuff.

I'm a slob. I admitted it to my husband 2 years ago before we got married. I've been setting goals to get organized and stay organized since I was about 16. I'm about to turn 48, so that means I've been unsuccessful with that goal for 30 years! It truly gets overwhelming. I can clean and organize with every intention of staying that way, but I always fall behind and get discouraged.

Sloppiness aside, I had money in the bank and zero credit card debt when I married my husband. He was my first love, and we were engaged back in 1984, but I got cold feet. When we reconnected, he was divorced with 6 kids, and had been unemployed for nearly a year. I knew the kind of man he is, and that the unemployment wouldn't be forever. It was longer than I thought, and the baloney from some of the extra family members (and especially the exwife) drive me nuts, but he counts himself a very lucky man, and the sloppiness is pretty much a non-issue.

Help her get it straightened up, and get a cleaning lady to come in for 2 hours a couple of times a week.

Give her a room of her own (call it her office, or her sewing room, work room, whatever,) that she can also use as her "dump" space. That should keep most of it to one room to which you can close the door. Then you can take care of the rest of the clutter, or talk to her about once or twice a week having a designated clutter pick-up time where you both do it together (set a timer for maybe fifteen minutes. Keep the time limited so she doesn't feel overwhelmed.)

You didn't mention if she works as well -- if she does, fatigue probably doesn't help her organizational skills. There are books on clutter-busting if *she* thinks she has a problem -- Don Aslett is one such author.

If you can't afford a house with a room for her, or a maid, I want you to consider that you got the better deal of the two of you, by far. Perhaps you would be happier living on your own?

I may have got this wrong, but you seem more concerned about your wife's physical attributes and what she can do for you, rather than her personality. Also, what has her age got to do with anything?

If she's messy, just talk to her about it, and at the same time, ask her if there's anything you could change about yourself. You are both adults and should treat each other as equals. You don't want to turn into a grumpy old father figure.

If your home really is like a bomb site, maybe your wife is feeling overwhelmed or depressed, or thinks that as long as you both look suitably decorative, her job is done.

My lounge looks like pigs have been partying in it (it's half term), so I'd better round up the perpetrators and get them to clear up! Wish me luck.

While I think you should be grateful you have a trophy wife who trims your nails, it depends on how messy the house is. You can hire a maid to come in every other week for around $50.

I am not a clean freak, but I do prefer a certain amount of cleanliness. My house is usually in a state of what i call "organized chaos." I leave things out because I hate putting everything away, only to have the desire to work on one of my projects.

As far as the cleaning, I am very allergic to dust and cleaning products aggravate my asthma and sinuses. I clean when a room needs it. If my BF complained about the state of the house, I would direct him where the cleaning products and tools are. I do the majority of the cleaning simply because I only work 4 (12 hour) days a week.

On the other hand, I don't like a filthy house. I find it disgusting to have days old, food-crusted dishes in the sink, nasty toilets, garbage strewn about the floor, and piles of dirty clothes everywhere, etc. That was one of the major issues in my marriage and one of the many reasons we are not together.

You need to have a conversation with your wife and come to some kind of compromise. If a compromise can't be met, do what Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton do: seperate houses. Again, an independent cleaning lady only costs about $50 a week.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2012 09:17AM by Itzpapalotl.

Did she grow up on an overly controlling or chaotic home?

My TBM mother is an absolute OCD clean freak. SHe ran a daycare out of her home for many years, and my friends would always remark, "It doesn't even look like anyone really lives here" because everything was always perfect. I couldn't even leave my keys or purse on the counter or she would move them out of sight.

In the psychological sense, the way I exert my control is having a "lived-in" look to my house. I don't mind clutter and a some dirt here and there. People respond to oppressive environments differently. Just something to think about.

Why is it her job to pick up your bedroom? Who would do it for you if you were single?

Are your arms broken?

I don't think you get to complain. Adults take care of their own homes. Either do it yourself, work out a team cleaning arrangement (where you both do all the cleaning TOGETHER as a team), or hire a cleaning person.

Bitching about it on the internet, however, is the action least likely to net positive results.

"Bitching" about it on this forum gave me better perspective, great advice, and a better take on the situation. I feel better.

Well, I'm glad you feel better.

What action are you going to take to solve your problem, now that you have all this newfound insight?

Too early to think of one.

My "ex" has OCD, but OCD doesn't necessarily mean "clean"--I had a cleaner house than anyone in either family (though it did get out of hand as a single mother working 2 jobs)--but he always found the ONE thing I didn't do. Now he and I live part of the time with each other--and I live with my boyfriend in another state part of the time.

My ex has clutter. There is nothing "decorative" about his living area, yet he nitpicks at my stuff--though I decorate and he actually likes it.

My boyfriend--clutter again. And I mean CLUTTER. He saves every piece of paper. I don't touch his office. I don't touch his desk in the kitchen or the table in the dining room. He has projects everywhere. He drops everything when he walks in the door--stuff still sitting there forever, yet he won't let me change ANYTHING in "his" house--though he can't undrestand why I don't want to live there fulltime. This being one of the big issues--I can't make ANY OF IT mine including the room he gave me for an office (I work at home).

So--at "my" home my ex has an area and I have an area.

I read an article by Sally Field once and she said she thinks married couples need their own bedrooms and then one they share. That is one of the things I missed the very most when I got married--my own room. Give her her own space. It might help.

Oh--and daughter is very messy--in terms of, as my niece called it--she has 'shit piles' all over the house--in every room. She has projects she has in every room. I just deal with it anymore when she is here. Even if she is visiting, she takes over the whole house.

My BF and I have seperate rooms to put our extra stuff, seperately. It really helps keep some of the clutter down.

Hire the maid. Enjoy the wife and life.

The end.

(Good for you...10 years younger!)

So if his wife were 10 years older that would be a bad thing? Women are not cars to be traded in.

that means he is a stud! and women are NOT TO BE TRADED IN??? damn...is that where i messed up?!?!? :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2012 11:39AM by bignevermo.

My attitude is that it's on the person who wants the cleanliness to do what it takes to make a room clean. Regardless of who makes the mess, it's unfair to make someone who doesn't care do the work. That's selfishness in my book. Everyone is ultimately responsible for their own happiness and should be willing to take full responsibility of what it takes to achieve that - not put other people out of their comfort zone.

For me personally, when a mess bothers me, I clean it up myself - completely - and it doesn't matter who made the mess in the first place. I am the captain of my ship, nobody else holds the reigns of my happiness, and I've never once had a problem with anyone about it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2012 10:17AM by kimball.

Lot's of great advice here guys. Some funny ones too. That's why I love this forum. That is, "gorgeous" by the way.

Is she a SAHM? If she is, then it would be stupid to hire a maid. Maybe she actually thinks the house is clean. Maybe she is going through depression. Maybe she doesn't know how to maintain a home. These are things you need to talk to her about. Maybe she needs help putting together a routine to effeciently maintain the home. Do you chip in on your days off?

Even SAH people could use a helpfull organizer from time to time. It lifts the spirits from the monotany of day to day. I really urge you to look into getting the place organized and getting someone to come in from time to time.

She might even find herself cleaning up for the maids!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2012 11:18AM by Devoted Exmo.

Why did your first marriage fail?

Doesn't that reflect more on your choice in women, then?

Im wrapping up my bachelors in interior design. I believe strongly that your home says a lot about who you are as a person at first impression, next to what you wear. I would definitley invest in a maid. You cant expect your wife to be perfect and to change her ways. If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself. If the messy home only bothers you, than you can take care of it; not her. I never ask my fiance to clean up the house because he doesnt care, and he doesnt like cleaning. I like cleaning and I do care about how the house looks... so why should I force him to do it?