Posted by:
runtu
(
)
Date: April 16, 2012 04:51PM
Babel: The location from which all languages came when God was angry with the people for trying to build a tower to heaven. Only Jared and his family were spared, and they were blessed to travel for a year in crowded, suffocating semisubmersible barges with their animals so that they could later be destroyed.
Balaam: An ancient prophet whose life was saved by a talking ass. (Note: the ass bears only superficial resemblance to some General Authorities.)
Baptism: A ritual cleansing in which the subject is immersed in water and thus symbolically washed of his or her sins. It is important to note that Jesus cannot forgive anyone's sins unless they've had the right baptism by the right authority (sorry, Catholics and Protestants). Is considered a status symbol in many missions, where baptism may also be referred to as "dunking" or "bapping."
Barley: A grain used to make "mild drinks" such as beer, which are approved of God. Oh, wait.
Bear: What God sends when you piss off a prophet. Also can refer to erroneous teachings about Satan from sectarian ministers.
Beard: In Old Testament times, a sign of piety; trimming of beards was considered a mark of idolatry. Modern prophets have declared that beards are not appropriate for righteous priesthood holders and should be PhotoShopped out of church publications and university catalogs. May also refer to Patriarch Joseph Fielding Smith's wife.
Beatitudes: Blessings Jesus pronounced for certain pious behaviors and traits. Joseph Smith revised them twice before he got them right. These traits have been rendered obsolete by the For the Strength of Youth pamphlets.
Beelzebub: Satan or anything Satanic, such as chai lattes or Harry Potter books.
Bible: The word of God corrupted by apostate and careless scribes. The Book of Mormon was brought forth to testify that the Bible is true.
Bishop: A judge in Israel, which generally means someone who conducts meetings and asks adults and children inappropriate questions about sex behind closed doors.
Blasphemy: Denying God, expressing belief in organic evolution, or questioning the propriety of building a multibillion-dollar mall.
Book of Mormon: The most correct book on earth; we know this because it has been revised and corrected dozens of times. It was translated from golden plates that Joseph received from an angel. After receiving the plates, Joseph didn't actually use them in his translation process; instead, he placed a stone in a hat and put his face into the hat, a technique he had mastered when seeking buried treasure and lost horses.
Brethren: A generic term for those whom the Lord has called to be General Authorities in the church. It must always be spoken with reverence, unless of course a leader is referring to the lower rungs of the priesthood.
Bride: A woman who is lawfully wedded to her husband. (Note: does not apply if your husband's name is Joseph Smith.)
Brigham Young University: A place where Mormon high school graduates learn information that reinforces their beliefs and prepares them to serve missions and marry other BYU students in the temple. Once referred to as "the Harvard of the West," most people just call it "the Y" when they've stopped laughing. May have detrimental effects if listed on a resume.