Ever since I ditched the church she has essentially shunned me...we live in different countries so I obviously don't have to see her very often but she never even makes the attempt to repair our relationship...she doesn't call or email- nothing. She ditched me and my siblings when I was 12 so I haven't ever had a close relationship with her but I used to call her on her birthday and mothers day and all that- but I just don't want to anymore! She hasn't been a mother to me for several years, I don't even call her mom anymore, I use her first name. I don't think she deserves the title. I'm probably being harsh and bitter but I asked my two sisters if they were planning on calling her (because that type of thing means a lot to her) and even though they're not fans of her either they both said yes. I don't know if I should just be the bigger person and call her or just leave it...this is probably such a stupid question but I really don't know how to approach this...I don't want her to think that leaving the church has just made me this rude apostate who doesn't care about anyone's feelings...I don't even know, this whole thing is stupid. I know she'll be spending mother's day with her stupid TBM stepchildren (which really pisses me off..) but I know how much she misses having us in her life...I know it breaks her heart that we're all so distanced, even though she's not doing much to fix that. Any suggestions??



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2012 09:59PM by ajhart.

I consider "honoring" your parents (if you're all wrapped up in the OT "thou shalt nots") not being disrespectful to them.

I don't consider faking affection for them necessary to be respectful to them.

If you don't want to talk to her, but feel like you should do something, send her a card.

I did that for years before I finally gave it all up. It takes time to work through all that stuff. Especially with mothers.

Yes, just because it's the right thing to do. You will not regret being the bigger person in the long run.

If your mom abandons you when you're 12 years old, it IS about being the bigger person. And it takes a huge amount of willpower to do just that.

I agree...

I don't know what the right answer is, but here's a couple thoughts.

On one hand even if she is a total jerk, loser, destructive, etc. a mother has made a lot of sacrifices for her children. Even a really bad mom was pregnant for 9 months, spent some sleepless nights, gave up money, etc. So taking the time to once a year express thanks for that even though the relationship is essentially non-existent could make a lot of sense.

On the other hand if the relationship is so toxic that it is going to be hurtful to your psyche you may need to avoid the call. If she is damaging you through any form of abuse you owe it to yourself to keep your distance and out of your life.

She is shunning you for making a rational adult decision about how to live your own life.

From your description it sounds like there isn't much of a relationship there to begin with. Why stress yourself trying to be nice to someone like that? Blood is thicker than water but it gets all sticky and scabby. Water heals.

If you feel that strongly about it then don't call her.

If not calling her will make YOU feel bad, then call her. If you're OK with not calling, or maybe even want to hurt her a little, or make her mad, then don't. Your mother should never have turned her back on you. I say let her feel it, let her feel the distance she's created. Really, I'm a mom, and I have a mom. We have to earn our children's love and respect, ya know? Just love yourself on Mother's Day, call someone who has really been a "Mom" to you. Take care, and I'm sorry you don't have a loving mom like I do. :(

Sometimes adults don't have their acts together for extended periods of time, and it may be that one of those periods of time coincides with large chunks of their offspring's childhood. I would give her a call, send her a card, or both (there are cards that are neutral in tone and say little more than, "Happy Mother's Day.")

She knows that she failed you. This has to be overwhelmingly depressing to her. I would give her just enough so that she can hold her head up and say, "I heard from all of my kids on Mother's Day (...Christmas, my birthday,etc.) IMO it's time to step up to the plate and be the bigger person.

If she expresses disappointment with your religious choices, I would just laugh it off. Say, "Well Mom, you know I've always been the black sheep in the family" or something like that.

Sometimes as the years wear on, these relationships can be repaired. You never know. Life is a long (and often hard) proposition. I would leave the door open just enough (even just a crack) to give her the precious gift of hope.

I really am weary of doing things out of duty, aren't you? Should you really have to work at it so hard with your own mother? You shouldn't, obviously. It is the one relationship that we have a right to expect to be easy and giving. That should be a safe place. But....

If she is truly toxic, then I don't know, but I think no matter how you feel that it is worth keeping a connection. I would call her, keep it simple, don't say anything you don't mean, but say something meaningful that you do mean. Maybe bring up one good memory from the past. Keep it sincere.

You are where many of us have been. It is not uncommon in my opinion to see exmos showing a lot of love to those who have been stunted by that church to the point where they don't know what love is anymore. We have learned to not expect much in return and if you do it, you will become part of a club that isn't quite sure why they are doing it, but know they will because that is who they are.

You can show unconditional love, even if she can't. Most parents are desperate for the love of their children more than any other thing in life no matter what waters have passed under the bridge. It is a good gift to give her.

It will also help you know whether or not you will do it next year.

I'm kinda going along with being the bigger person... but then a child should never have to set themselves up for disappointment time and time again. It sounds like your mom needs a good dose of growing up...

But if you were going to do anything, and if it were me, I'd just send a light hearted non sentimental card and just sign your name. Easy peasy. It would relieve your mind, and you wouldn't have to speak to her on the phone- avoiding any arguments, awkwardness, and faking any emotion. But thats just me.

Let us know what ya do.

I'm one of those moms. My older children have been raised in their later years by their dad and step mom. They have been told I ditched them because they don't know the real story and wouldn't understand. They will never know the suffering I have gone through spending life without them in it. The sorrow is tremendous and it is hard to call them. I do, but it just reminds me of the loss. Do what you want. Don't care and don't call. If she is human not having you has crippled her. You will likely never know it.
I am in a terrible second marriage. I won't leave because I won't risk my young daughter through my second marriage to be taken from me. I will never go through that again.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2012 11:04PM by suckafoo.

Hugs to you, suckafoo. Divorce complicates things so much for parents and children. I know you're a mom, but a lot of fathers can relate to how you feel because fathers are often painted as someone they're not and the kids don't get the full story. When it comes down to it, when parents split up, it's pretty much impossible for everybody involved to get the whole story.

I'm of the mind that relationships, even those between parents and children, are a two way street. If both parties don't work together, a healthy relationship can never develop.

My parents are still married, but we still have a complicated relationship. I called my mom last year to wish her a happy day and got a massive guilt trip for my efforts. That makes me less inclined to call her this year. She says she doesn't really care anyway. I did send her a gift, though, which I usually don't do.

I would call her, but start off telling her you don't have much time, but wanted to call her on Mother's Day. Keep the call nice and short, but be polite. She tries to bring up religion, just tell her you love her but got to go. It's a bit manipulative, but you want to establish that you want a relationship with her, but you want it between two adults, who don't judge each other for their beliefs.

My mother left the church years before I did, so for a while I was kind of in the reverse situation you are in. My mother is also dying. We don't have all that much time left. You don't want to lose a relationship with your mother, but you don't want her using it to disrespect you. Let her learn that she can engage you, but it will be on your terms.

+1 forbidden. P.s. Jesus is real. :). I like having the last word.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2012 11:27PM by suckafoo.

I will send you an e-mail tomorrow. I'm too sleepy to think straight at the moment.

Only you know if she deserves the call. Think about how you have interacted the last few yrs. Has she been civil when you did talk? Does she talk about you behind your back? Does she send a b-day card to you? Does she recognize your b-day and send you a card or email....if not, you certainly don't need to recognize her as a mom.She is disconnected, aloof, and uncaring if she is not trying to reach out to you.

I would. Show her your happy and you love her no matter what she has done.
I have battled with my Mom for years. It seems to be better for both of us when I am kind no matter how she acts.

-S

Remove the word :mother"in this equation, as she is not one to you and seems never to have been.

Treat this like any other decision you need to make, that is important to you.

Send a card or call, if that will help you or do more good for you, than not calling or sending something would.

Or determine this is more about her than you, and how she would feel if she got nothing from you, instead.

Spending time thinking hurtful things over, for longer than it took to realize it might not be worth it to you, will hurt you, in the end.

Yet, overanalyzing is a good thing, sometimes. It can point you to where you waste time, most of the time, vs where spending time is worth it, however much time you have to give.

Think in terms of right now, not the past. What feels right, RIGHT NOW?

Go do that.

Peace to you.

There comes an interesting transition that happens in some peoples lives, where they as the child, become the adult in their relationship with their parents. Sometimes it is because the parent never grew up. Other times, it is because the parents mind becomes weaker with age due to disease. You may be finding yourself in this situation.

Why on earth would you call someone who treats you like that? I wouldn't. All it does is let her know that she can treat you like crap and you'll still come running on birthdays and Mother's Day.

The way to stop the behaviour is to tell her that you won't put up with it anymore and you'll get in touch with her when she grows up and treats you with respect and as an adult.

If she still doesn't change, then she doesn't deserve to be treated with respect.

My mother criticized me throughout my entire life, until I finally stood up for myself and said, "No more," and I didn't allow it. I said every time she criticized, I was leaving, and I did.

It worked. I'm finally treated like a person and she and I finally have a good relationship. I didn't think that was even possible. I used to be a very angry person whenever I talked about her. But I've healed.

Sometimes it's healing simply to break the cycle and put yourself first. I guess it's because you're respecting yourself. She won't respect you until you respect yourself and not allow her to treat you like you're still 5. You're not. You're an adult and it's time to expect to be treated like one.

This is from my own experience, so that's my opinion, based on that.

I like what womanoftheworld said, that if it's only going to hurt you not to call, then call her. You don't need a big guilt trip.

But on the other hand, don't think of it as punishing her and then you feel guilty about it later. Think of it as having a little self-respect, in order to try and win her respect.

Yes, call your mother or send her a card. Religion aside (Religion does spoil everything...), one of you needs to let go and let the otherone follow, however long that takes.

Ask one of your sisters to say 'Hi' from you when she calls your bio-mom. That way, you've made contact (through a surrogate) and you didn't actually have to waste time talking to her.

I like the card idea. That way you can contact her/remember her without setting yourself up for emotional pain/disrespect.

There's a reason you don't feel like calling. Don't do it if you feel it will cause too much pain or a feeling of being violated or exposed in some way. It's up to you.

As a mother, I don't want my kids to give me mothers day attention out of duty or because they're "trying to be big about it." Only freeling given attentions are worth the effort for the giver or the receiver in my opinion.

Why reward her bad behavior? You don't owe her a thing, including assuaging her conscience. It is not taking the low road to let her experience the consequences of her bad mothering. In fact, you may be doing her a favor if it makes her think and change.

On mother's day take 10 minutes to mourn your loss then spend the rest of the day doing the things that make you happy with people who love you well. Treat yourself extra well. It sounds like you have had to mother yourself. That's ok, you are doing a great job!

So... Happy mother's day ajhart!

May I ask you some questions? What happened when you were 12? You said your Mother "ditched" you at that time.

Did you leave the church at 12 and get shunned at that time? Did your Dad get legal custody, or move you away from your Mom?

Divorce is hell on kids. And often, they feel they must pick which parent they will be loyal to as a survival tool.

Suckafoo's story is a good example. We often detach in order to survive the trama of a divorce and loss. Sometimes we stay in unimaginable situations as to never experience that loss and trama again. Perhaps you do not really know the entire story of the "ditching", and now the years and distance have crippled the relationship. I am saddened for your dilemma.

I hope you have peace no matter what you decide. Only you know what happened in your life. Whatever it takes to feel at peace with yourself....that is the choice I would make.

There are no Norman Rockwell prints in real life, really.
Hugs.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Freedom_from_want_1943-Norman_Rockwell.jpg

She's shunning you and she hasn't called or emailed you ever since you left the church, and you don't feel like calling her. Then don't call her. As someone already suggested tell your sisters to say hi for you.

These words:
"I know she'll be spending mother's day with her stupid TBM stepchildren (which really pisses me off..) but I know how much she misses having us in her life...I know it breaks her heart that we're all so distanced, even though she's not doing much to fix that."

Tell me that you're hurt she is not there for you but she is there for others, she probably tells you she misses you but at the same time she is not doing much to improve the situation and on top of that she is now shunning you. It seems to me the relationship is not healthy. Take a break and wait until mother's day 2013, maybe you'll feel like connecting again then.

If the relationship were healthier and she was shunning you because of you leaving the church then I'd say give her a call and be the bigger person, but I perceive there is so much more and if you really don't want to call her, don't. However, eventually you'll need to sort out your feelings and maybe even have an adult-to-adult conversation with her about how you've felt the past years.

This is just my opinion. At the end of the day, you'll need to do what feels right to you.

And like someone said already, happy mother's day, you've done a great job raising yourself! =)