I myself used to feell like a total social misfit or failure among Mormons when I attended church or any other church function among Mormons.I used to go home feeling miserable after attending church with Mormons on Sunday.I felt totally socially isolated.When I stopped attendingt he mormon church,I felt much more normal and felt I did not ahve sucha socializing problem as the Mormons made me out to have.

Have any of you had a similar experience?

"Misfit" was exactly I felt like, and completely crazy, because many of my peers looked like they enjoyed all church activities and well just believed it all.

Of course, it took a long time before I realized I wasn't crazy but it was just my gut feelings that tried to tell me it was all a bunch of BS.

"because many of my peers looked like they enjoyed all church activities and well just believed it all."

That's just the way it was for me, it wasn't up until recently that I realized they're doing just that; looking like they enjoy the activities.

Oh my! That's exactly how I felt every week at church. I'd go home and be depressed because I had no "friends" at church. But I had no problem with friends outside the church. I also never had spiritual experiences,even in the temple. Of course I always thought that was my fault because I wasn't trying hard enough. I would love to know how many members of my former ward are acting and really dislike being mormon.

I always wondered how they enjoyed those activities too. I thought as a whole they were very boring. But that isn't their fault. They enjoyed each other. It just showed I didn't fit in, so it was me really.

Not so much socializing, but turning those socializations into real friendships. Mormon friendships seem to not only be based on shared beliefs, but also shared geography. If someone moved to another ward, chances are they were lost as a friend because they would never have time to see you again.

I thought I had a lot of my friends in my last ward, but the minute I quit going to church I never heard from 90% of them again, and within a year only one was still talking to me.

Friendships can fade or fall apart, but my Mormon friendships seemed especially fragile.

I could never just be myself because I was constantly being judged. I was a Molly who always set a good example, but I was also boring, stressed and stifled.

I will echo that statement.

And now, after learning about the endowment ceremony, I can't look at a mormon and not see them in temple clothes. I can't take them seriously anymore.

axeldc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Not so much socializing, but turning those
> socializations into real friendships. Mormon
> friendships seem to not only be based on shared
> beliefs, but also shared geography. If someone
> moved to another ward, chances are they were lost
> as a friend because they would never have time to
> see you again.
>
> I thought I had a lot of my friends in my last
> ward, but the minute I quit going to church I
> never heard from 90% of them again, and within a
> year only one was still talking to me.
>
> Friendships can fade or fall apart, but my Mormon
> friendships seemed especially fragile.


I never had a problem socialising. I fit right in with the YA crowd when I converted and - after being *dumped* by the missionaries right after baptism - it was mainly that social interaction which kept me in the church for the first few months.

But I agree with axeldc, they were not real friendships.... not long term, and purely based on being in the same place at the same time.

When I was married and six kids with a calling, I felt totally accepted and part of the group at church social functions. It all changed with the divorce.

Now I'm re-married with twelve kids, and we are still active. But it's completely different, as if we are outcasts.

A blended family? Twelve kids? 6 from the father, 5 from the mother, and 1 together?

We don't fit the norm, and so the only attention we get is from the bishop who assigned my teenage son as his hometeaching companion (bishops normally take a companion they consider to be someone who needs help), and from our hometeachers, whom I really do like - it's just that I've never had hometeachers that actually did 100% every month so faithfully. Seems to me that's also a sign that we've been labeled a charity case family.

By "socializing" I assume you mean outside church activities. I was too busy with all my callings, kids in sports and work. So, I guess I found it "hard" to socialize. I never had time. It's not like we went to dinner, the movies, arts district or anything.

Ron

Not because of who I really was - but because of who I was willing to pretend to be. Everyone thought I was a total Molly Mormon but the truth is that I didn't know WHO I really was. Not the first clue. And acting Molly seemed easy enough ...

However now when I go to Mormon things I feel completely nervous and flustered and I realize the Mormon ideal never fit my real personality. I'm not that super social, over achiever, little Miss Perfect Mormons require you to be. And pretending to be her, against my nature, was extremely stressful in ways I never realized. I see myself now around Mormons, I don't like how I act - especially how hyper and strung out I am.

I've never had an easy time socializing - I'm a textbook introvert, but I've found that now that I'm at least mentally and emotionally out of TSCC, it's been much easier for me to socialize at work. I told my wife a few years ago that aside from her, I don't have any real friends. Even as a TBM I could see that you can't develop real friendships with TBMs, because all your friendships are conditional on being the perfect image of the church. I finally decided to go out and party with some guys from work many years back, and haven't drank with them since then, but to this day those are still the closest friends I have besides my wife. We're all out of the military now and a few of us have ended up working in the same place, and they were thrilled when I told them I'm ready to come over and drink with them again.

As a side note, I've told two people at work that I'm leaving TSCC, and I was surprised at the tremendous support and congratulations that I received! One in particular (one of the guys that I was friends with in the military) told me - without any judgment in his voice - that I can finally see what they've all been able to see this whole time, but they weren't going to burst my bubble. Now THAT'S friendship.

Although I am active in the church, my closest friends are not LDS. The reason is because I can talk to them about anything, without being judged.

In a conversation with a Mormon, what if you accidentally mention an R-rated movie you saw, or something you did on the sabbath? The relationship changes at that point, because of judgement.

True friends accept you for who you are, and I've rarely found that among members of the church.

My TBM wife sometimes attends ward "socials" but I make a point of having something better to do. When I was a young man I enjoyed seeing my church friends at these things because they were my only friends. My TBM parents truly believed that we were to be a "peculiar" people, which meant weird and unsocial. While I had a couple of nomo acquaintances in our neighborhood I was not allowed to get involved with school sports, etc. The church took (and takes) away many opportunities for growth as an individual.

I make it a point to have my girls involved in outside activities, and work to restrict what can easily become over involvement in anything church. They did sing in a concert last night in the ward bldg for the ward's annual nativity display. I supported this because 1) they wanted to sing, 2) several other community church denominations were participating.

I can see difficulty looming as the girls become teenagers. The church will want them to be involved in YW each Wednesday and seminary every school morning. I do not know what the girls will want to do. I am hopeful they will have found an outside interest that will keep them from extensive church involvement. I know my TBM wife will want them to follow the same path she and I took as adolescents.

Truthseeker - are you in the Woodland stake? I went to a Creche festival last night too. The singing was great, though I was a little put off that in a multi-denominational choir (which we dominated) that there were a lot of Christmas songs that were particular to Mormons. But the Christmas carols were great, the kids did a great job, and I loved that since there was a mixed audience, everyone clapped at the conclusion - don't get to see that very often.

No, we live in IL.

I think the nativity displays are becoming a widespread tradition. My TBM parent's stake started this last year. Our IL ward started about 5(?) yrs ago.

I had such high hopes...I was sure I knew exactly who you were, too. Once again my wife gets to tell me "I told you so." :)

Sorry to disappoint!

@truthseeker

Three of my girls are teenagers, and the YW program is great for them. I think the good outweighs the bad, and I view it like believing in Santa Claus - you wouldn't take that away from your 5 yr old, and when they turn 8 or 9 they figure it out and it's still ok that they used to believe.

When the teenagers become adults, they might figure out some realities with the church. When they are young, there are some really good things the church provides - and I'm not saying that to bear testimony or anything. I've just realized that while I don't believe anymore, I recognize the benefits for our youth.

My biggest desire for each of my girls is that they will become involved in activities that will benefit them later in life and help them become well balanced, successful individuals. Sports, academics, etc.

If they choose to participate in YW for social or other reasons, I will not object (too strenuously). However, I do not want them to be so absorbed and involved in church activities that they ignore everything else, much of which is more beneficial.

I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I was in first grade when I started to realize that I did not like being a mormon. While I believed that the church was true, I never felt the spirit or had those spiritual experiences. My family on my mom's side joined the church around 1840, my dad's family in the 1850's, so there was no questioning that the church was true and if I turned against the church then I was sinning against the greater light.

Yes, I really believed that crap.

There are maybe 3 people in my ward that I still enjoy socializing with. They all still talk to me even though they all know I am inactive and out. I still try to get together with one of them once in awhile to participate in our shared hobby. In fact, I went to the ward x-mas party over the weekend, and they all came up and talked to me. However, a few years ago, when I was YM secretary, I had to work w/ a total TBM YM president. I did the bare minimum to fulfill my calling, and he kept trying to get me more involved, and I always resisted. He tried to invite my DW over for dinner a couple of times, and i just made excuses. I really didn't want to be around him for some reason. The church was his whole life, and he was happy that way. I couldn't relate to that. He is now bishop of a YA ward in our area, so he's probably living his dream now.

I felt from the beginning, they were from another planet.

I did, as the moment you mention something like an R rated movie, or having to work on Sunday, they judge you. While I was a member, most of my friends were still non-LDS, as I could be myself with them, and the only TBM's I get along with now are my step siblings who are more open-minded and accepting of non-members than the local TBM's were.

Yes I did. I have always had very little in common with them and felt "on stage". Also didn't know what they really deep down felt about anything, found the sisters didn't seem of much independent thought or personality. I didn't know if I could trust they were being real with me. Always had that nagging doubt if they were for real. I also found their way of partying quite boring. No one shook it up, no one did any gut busting laughs.

I didn't really, until I went on a mission and then to BYU. I found that I was not really interested in many of the things that my fellow missionaries and students were doing and discussing. The singles ward I attended reminded me of kindergarten, as did many of our district and zone meetings in the mission. The "doctrine" we discussed was too often either childish pabulum (sunshine and rainbows for all good little kiddies!) or ruthless and simplistic dogmatism (this is the way it is because the prophet says so; no questions, please), neither of which has ever really appealed to me. As someone who thinks without thinking that everyone should think the way I do, I was unable to fit in with the touchy-feely crowd (who were generally more accepting of doctrinally "strange" viewpoints as long as they embraced love in some form but had little intellectual substance) or the "intellectuals" (who had a marked tendency to be fire-breathing inquisitors). I tended to hang out with cranks (especially at BYU, where virtually all of the friends I made have ended up becoming ex-, post-, or at least new order Mormons). Nearing the end of my college experience, I realize that I am more like than unlike these "dissenters" -- and my cultural identity has swung firmly away from orthodox Mormonism (even as I maintain ties for family reasons).

Right--we're from the real world (99.9%) and the Mormons (-1%) are from another planet. It is easy to feel outnumbered in a Mormon meeting or function. I feel that way even in my Utah TBM neighborhood. The odd person out, the third wheel (I'm single), the anamoly. I obviously don't fit in, because we moved here from Utah, and many ward members were childhood friends, real brothers and sisters, cousins, went to the university together, etc. My children and I were (gasp) Californians!

I've seen a few comedy shows lately, depicting a person who is under pressure to be perfect, and they completely lose it, with an audience of judgmental people looking on. You know, when a character messes up a wedding, a proposal of marriage, an interview or audition, a business meeting or presentation--and everyone just stares at them in blank silence. That's how I feel around Mormons!

From Day One in our Utah ward, I've been a divorcee, and I've had to work hard to support my family. I sometimes work on Sundays. At first, when I was in school, I couldn't pay tithing for a while. I won't go into detail, but life's little ordinary "glitches" seemed to seperate me and my kids from the Perfect Mormons.

I challenge you to display a sense of humor, and make jokes with Mormons! Those always backfire! In California, even as a Mormon, in YW, in school, people enjoyed my humor. The California boys wanted to date me, and some wanted to marry me--even a few Mormons did. I have to revert to the past, or to my job, to give me "credibility." Here, now, in Utah, I forget who I once was, and that people once wanted to be with me! Since I left, I have one TBM friend from the neighborhood ward. I've lived in this neighborhood for over 14 years. All the rapport, relationships, connections, ties to our children--everything we built up is gone. I'm an apostate. They liked me only because they needed an organ grinder.

I understand those of you who don't know who they really are, because that's me, too. I also didn't like who I was as a Mormon. I was so phony, and either closed-off, or fake-enthusiastic about my wonderful musical callings.

These days, when I'm seriously introspective and honest with myself--I realize that don't like being around Mormons--I don't really like many Mormons as individuals, either. I don't have much in common with the Mormons who are only interested in the church. It is like "negative reinvorcement" now. I get flashbacks of the Mormon abuse, but also old ghoses of the run-of-the-mill fake fellowshipping, judgments, gossip, repetition of obsolete ideas that are false, the instant canned testimonkey with tears (in the grocery store, or at a party), that nauseates me. Not to mention the harrassment, love-bombing, and shunning.

Yes, I admit it! It is me! I don't like being around Mormons!

Ask yourself:

How many Mormon neighbor's homes have you been inside? (Dropping off papers or food at their front door does not count.)

Has any Mormon invited you into their house without it being a Mormon-organized meeting or activity?

Have you ever been to a non church-related movie, play, lunch, for a walk, to just hang out with a Mormon? (This does not include going to the temple.)

Have you ever had a phone call or a visit from a Mormon, that was not to ask you to do something for the church?

You get the idea. I get lonely, and feel that I have lost most of my friends, I remember that these friends just wanted more from me than I wanted to give. I could never give enough. (There have been threads on how Mormons overburden their music people.) Also, they never gave anything back. I missed so much of my happy life, because I was too busy with music, my other callings, and trying to please others.

I found Mormon women to not be supportive or empathetic at all. When I was down, they either avoided me, or said it was my fault. When I succeeded, they were jealous, and certainly never complimented or congratulated me. Mormon women seem to be in competition with each other. IMO, competitors are like enemies.

My new and old not-Mormon friends and family members are not assigned to get together three or four times a week. Everyone works. 50% are divorced. Our familes come first. Sometimes a month or two will go by without seeing each other, but we keep in touch with phone calls and e-mails. I think this is normal, or average. I read somewhere that a woman in the US has an average of about 4-6 close friends, and a man has about 2-3.

Mormons have a gift of making normal people feel "wrong." No wonder a lot of us have trouble socializing with these wierdo's!