Posted by:
MJ
(
)
Date: May 04, 2012 12:18PM
Many years ago I volunteered for about 3 yeas for a gay and lesbian suicide hot line. The last call I received and events that followed had a profound impact on my life.
This, in a general way, is the story of "MJ's last call".
In many ways, the call was much like most of the calls I had received in the past. As with most legitimate calls to the line, it did not take long to figure out that the call was "real" and not some homophobic crank. I had enough experience to judge the tone of the caller. There is something about the tone of someone on the verge of suicide that just can not be faked. I knew this was a real suicide call.
The tone of a caller was very important. It would let me know if I was connecting, if I was being successful in bringing someone back from the edge enough that they would likely seek help. The tone of the caller was the only way I could judge success. Other than a change in the tone of the caller, I, or the other volunteers, had no idea if the person got help or not.
During the last call, I while talking with the caller, I would start to connect, I could hear the tone start to change. I would begin to hear the caller start to consider other options. Then, suddenly, I would hear the tone change back to the helplessness with the caller saying:
"But my family loves me, they say they want to help, but they can't because I have turned away from Christ. If I find Christ, Christ could make me straight" This of course is the short version of what he had said. He had also stated that he had been trying to do this for several years and no matter how hard he prayed to Christ, Christ never changed him.
The key was "They want to help" this had the caller trapped in the idea that because the family loved him and wanted to help, that their help was what was best for him. While I fully believe that his family wanted to help and I said so, I could not get across that not all help, even help offered by loved ones, is beneficial to us. That sometimes help offered is harmful to us.
After about 1 1/2 hours, the caller ended the call saying that he needed to accept the help from his family and find Christ again.
At this point, I felt I failed, but there was still some hope that something I said would click and he would find help.
A couple of days later, I read an obituary. There was enough information in the obituary to let me know that it was the person I talked to on my last call. The obit described cause of death using a euphemistic description of suicide. The caller did not make it to morning. He took his life the same night as the call, apparently, right after the call ended.
The Obit claimed "He was a fine Christian and was now in the loving arms of his Saviour".
I actually puked after reading this.
As I said above, we never knew if we were successful or not. But for this last call, I knew, I had failed. This failure forced me into a long period of introspection. I was never again able to work for the hot line. To this day, I don't think I could deal with that sort of situation again.
This last call had a fundamental, profound and lasting impact on how I view people that offer help. People offering help may have the best motives, but the worst ideas and can cause the most damage.
This last call had a fundamental, profound and lasting impact on how I view religion and its power control people.
This last call had a fundamental, profound and lasting impact on how I view Christianity and how blinded by faith many Christians are.
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2012 12:20PM by MJ.