Posted by:
ThinkingOutLoud
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Date: May 07, 2012 07:13AM
Oh, man. Kinda like how my mom drove 14 hours straight in a blizzard one Christmas, to go spend a week with my sister ( the "baby" of the family) and her kids--but for the 5 years we've lived overseas, she hasn't stepped foot on the European continent to see us, once. Despite our offering to pay for her passport, and all her travel costs.
I think you should definitely say something, and I think you should try and stay calm and rational when you do.
I did, and while I dislike the answer I got from my mom (that being, that as I am an atheist, Christmas means far more to her when spent with the Catholic or religious "side" of the family), I am very glad that we had the talk, actually.
I later put her on the spot and said, Well now. My birthday is in 6 months. Are birthdays okay for atheists to celebrate, and would you commit to coming to see us then? And still, I got a no from her. Probably because I pulled that in front of a lot of family and friends, who did not know that she had done the other to me, first. She was forced to explain herself to them, right in front of me, and THEY were appalled. Even my little sister was. She had no idea!
My mom still talks to me, we do still love each other, but she knows I know what's up with her and how she does things now. And she is actually really trying hard with me, to keep lines of communication open in ways she never did before. She'll skype with me now, and not just my kid. She will call "for no reason", etc.
She has stopped sending me religious books trying to reconvert me back to Moravianism, or Catholicism, etc. My cards from her no longer have crosses on them, etc--but she IS still sending me cards.
Do what you need to do, say what you need to say. Try your best to do it in a way that is more about defining and fixing the problem than about hurting them. I did my thing all wrong (I should have had that conversation with her privately), so it took longer to deal with, in the end.
But don't just let it go, or help them continue on as they were, by saying nothing at all. It is all about you being heard, at the same time as them being made to hear it. You cannot make them do anything differently after you speak your piece, but if you do this right, at least you will know that you did all you could.
This sort of stuff can work out, not perfectly but at least it can work, if you are willing to be brave a little, but be flexible a little, too.
Good luck.