"I'm a grown adult. And I worked incredibly hard to save up enough to quit and look for another job."

Well, maybe you didn't save up enought not to go back to the basement. There are too many people that want to be hugged and told, 'everything is alright.' Well, no it's not. You QUIT your job and now want mom to provide a roof over your head and you expect total understanding.

Time to get off the Tit and stand up for yourself.

I don't see it this way.

A few months ago I was seriously looking at a divorce. We seem to be staying together at this point.

However, when it looked like it was coming to a head I knew I could go home to my parents and live there for a bit. The thought that I could go home was hugely comforting - and I'm 40 and have always stood on my 2 feet.

When everything is upside down being able to go back home - even if not the same house is a big deal.

Part of making a adult decision is realizing where you are now is not sustainable and you need to make a fresh start.

Part of making that fresh start can be going back home - a place for many of us that feels safe and despite the TBM atmosphere there is a sense of safety and acceptance.

I applaud Raptor for having the ability to see that it is time to do a reboot on his life - perhaps you missed the part that he is in the midst of a painful divorce. I completely understand wanting to return home for a bit as part of that reboot. I completely understand being very upset that instead of getting the acceptance that would be helpful right now when he swallows his pride and asks for a safe place to regroup he gets judgement and worry of appearance of what the neighbors will think.

Empathy. Try some.

In general, I don't think it's helpful to tell people to "get off the tit". It's true there are people out there who do take advantage of others and need to be set straight. I don't think that's what's going on in Raptor Jesus's case. He's going through a rough time. His parents don't have to help him out, but it sure would be a testament to their "families first" mantra if they did.

I've been in Raptor Jesus's shoes. My parents helped me out when I was going through significant anxiety and depression, but acted like they totally resented it the whole time and made little effort to show me any understanding or empathy. I didn't want to be stuck with them any more than they wanted me stuck there. Years later, they don't understand why I'm reluctant to spend time with them.

I agree that quitting a job in this economic climate is very risky, but I think Raptor Jesus is a smart guy. I'm sure he'll figure something out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/08/2012 12:26PM by knotheadusc.

Empathy and compassion at this time is all that is needed (learned that at AA)

I like tits.

I see your point about the divorce (glad you are working it out) but he did say he QUIT his job - wasn't forced out of the job.
And working up the courage to talk to your mother after a lot of whiskey. No sympathy or empathy here.
There are all kinds of people who don't have 'good jobs' but they don't just quit without anything else lined up. Raptor said, " . It's cost me my health - and while it didn't destroy my marriage - it sure as @#$%& contributed to the downfall." So how exactly did it cost him his health? Was he working in a coal mine, some other dangerous career?

Maybe it's because I have a brother who does the same to our parents. He knows which buttons to push to get to my mom and have her fold thinking everything is her fault in the end.

And another quote was right to a point,"No one will ever hire me because I look like a fucking hippy!!!!"
I've hired an employee or two that looked like hippy. But they were extremely nice hippy's without the attitude that raptor has.

The Science of Stress. It's on Netflix. Good documentary on how horrible jobs wreak your health.

Having met RJ in person, he is a very nice and articulate hippy.
You can't judge him just from his rants in this 'safe' place. Everyone needs somewhere they can go to blow off steam so they don't blow up IRL...

And I happen to think crashing with family for a few months to figure yourself out while going through a bunch of life changes is a great idea. Better than making a rash decision while you're not thinking clearly.

It's not like he is planning on moving back permanently and having them foot the bill for everything, he just needs some time to get into a better place.

I've also met RJ in person and he is very well educated and definitely stands on his own two feet. He is not someone who is looking for a hand out or to have his mom fix his hurt life. He just needs a place to rest his feet and figure out his own life.

There is nothing wrong in going back to his safe haven and regrouping. When I went through my first divorce my parents were who I called first. They opened their doors to me and helped me through the toughest part of my life. I cannot imagine how I would have done it without them. Although I know I could have, it was comforting to know I had a safe haven to go back to and figure out my life.

He might remind you of your brother, but he isn't your brother. Everybody is different and his situation is not something to fuck around with. He is being honest with where he is and is merely asking for a hand to help him through it. He doesn't need to be coddled by his mom or anyone else for that matter. Life throws everyone curve balls and some times if you don't take a time out you will be struck out. Relax with the judgements please.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/08/2012 03:55PM by niki77.

Maybe you missed the threads about PTSD, divorce, and a job that is sending Raptor Jesus to the doctor. Oh, and the part where he is able to do this without his parents.

One more thing--one of the best things people can do when they need some recovery time is get support from their parents, if their parents are supportive. A temporary break in a supportive environment can be very good.

Having myself been through divorce, dealing with severe anxiety and depression, and working at a job that sent me to the doctor, Raptor Jesus has my support and best wishes.

Yes, I did miss the thread about the job that sent Raptor to the hospital. Enlighten me because you say that a job sent you to the doctor. Was it a dangerous job? Did the whole department have to go to the doctor? I think you misunderstand. It wasn't the job, it was your reaction to the job. Many people have probably done the same job and not had the same reaction.
Now if you and Raptor have some psychological impairment then I can have some empathy but someone ranting like he was doing (while drinking whiskey-his admission) is not likely to get my support.

You also seemed to miss the part where RJ said he has been to the doctor, been on meds, therapy, and is trying to cope with the problem. You also missed where he said he is asking for a leave of absence from work. So, there is no absence of RJ being responsible.

Also, you seem to be of the "it's all in your head school." Well, that can be part of things. Work environment is also part of it. The company I was working for had a high turnover rate, so either the work environment was involved or many of us had defective heads.

Since you apparently run a business, do you take employee morale seriously or do you assume people who quit are head cases? By the way, I rearranged my work and continued working until I had a better opportunity, which wasn't long in coming. Unlike RJ I hadn't saved enough money to quit outright or I would have.

While I don't recommend having difficult conversations while drinking whiskey, I also don't withold empathy for doing so. If someone has to drink to talk to their family, it tells me perhaps talking to the family is very difficult.

Glad you've made it through the problems you've had. You deserve to feel self-pride. What you don't deserve is to set yourself to be judge.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/08/2012 03:45PM by robertb.

"Now if you and Raptor have some psychological impairment then I can have some empathy"
now it seems like you are attacking robertb!! well not seems...you are!

I doubt that you would have empathy even if it could be proved that "they have some psychological impairment"...robertb happens to be our resident psychologist(yes he has a degree)...not that that makes him right about everything psychological...but to mee that gives him some street cred that you dont have...

you act like the guy is scurring back to mommy because he cant make it the "real world"
again not any empathy in your posts!
which is sad really! :(

a smiley face is kinda my signature but i just have to leave this post with :(

Marriage and family therapist, Bignevermo :-) I'd love to get a Ph.D. but I don't see it happening. Money and time mainly. I work with a lot of men, by the way. One of the main things about men is we are socialized so we have trouble asking for and accepting help when we need it. That ends up killing a lot of us.

you sure have this down pat:

"No sympathy or empathy here"

got it down to a science i would say! :)

walk a mile and then tell me what you think...do you know what "walk a mile" means?
it takes empathy so i am not so sure...ask myself or someone else with empathy and we will be able to tell you!
RJ...y gotta do what ya gotta do! I have not read of all of your trevails...so i put a sock in it till i read these posts...i wish others had to!

anyway good luck and ALWAYS listen to Anagrammy!! :)



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/08/2012 12:54PM by bignevermo.

"walk a mile and then tell me what you think"
Ok bignevermo! I have walked a many of miles and I love when anyone throws out that cliche because they assume that nobody in history has ever experienced anything if a critcal response is offered.

I've been through amazingly hard times in my life, worked crappy jobs long enough to find a little less crappy job above the last. Had a very rough spot in my marriage but we did work it out and going on 20 years. There were many times when I could have said that life is just too hard but I didn't. My parents and I went through a long period of where we didn't see eye to eye on much of anything, but I didn't run to the whiskey to have a conversation with them. What I did was prove them wrong with my actions.

Everybody today wants to hang their screwed up life on a syndrome or somebody. It's never their own fault.

you may have "walked a mile"...but you did not do it in his shoes(thats where the empathy should be)...just because you have had some tifts with your parental units does not mean you have walked the same walk...you did not have the same job that was unhealthy...nor the same parents nor the same problems...thats my point...you seem to think that he should not drink...or if so...not to drink and have a conversation with mom...maybe a bit judgemental...maybe my post to you was judgemental...but for sure it seems that you lack the empathy needed...nor do you have the full story...or if you do "have the full story" i am not agreeing with your admonishments...thats all i am saying!
just sayin!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/08/2012 02:31PM by bignevermo.

and Buddha says:

"In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have ceased striving for the truth, and have become striving for ourselves"

I don't believe Raptor needs your personal support. So be it

get on with life

Just a couple of thoughts...

RJ is not your brother. People are different and it's unfair to compare.

You do not know enough about RJ to tell him what to do.

You are passing judgement on someone based on a couple of paragraphs you have read online.

This board is a place where people are supposed to feel safe, being able to rant about their problems, usually caused by the LDS church, but sometimes not.

Sometimes people do need to be told harsh truths, usually this needs to be done by loving people who actually know that person and what they are really going through. i.e. someone who can empathize with them.

How is what you are suggesting helpful? Especially since you admit that you don't know his whole story, the sources of the issues he's facing and then go on to state that you can not show empathy to what he's going though.

But you just have so many details wrong. Just dead wrong.

He already admitted that he was just projecting his brother onto you.

(And downsouth may have one point - depending on what industry you work in having a beard may or may not be an impediment to finding a job, but I'm pretty sure you are smart enough to shave it when the time comes if needed - the timing and context of your mom making this comment was more of the problem than her making it.)

It's like there's a mandatory asshole requirement on this board. Everyone else can be cool but there's always that one.

Seems like we are all that 'one' to our former wards. With your statement, you seem to take on the ward mentality. Nobody is allowed to go against the sheep else they are labeled (apostate, asshole)

Who are you calling a 'sheep'?

I'm more of a lemming.

I'm the last person to advocate being a conformist. I just don't think it helps someone to be judgmental.

I'd rather there be a few assholes than one hundred people who gang up on someone else for offering a different opinion. What you see in this thread is a combination of mob mentality, celebrity status and an attempt to impose empathy on an opinion that clearly doesn't warrant it. Your comment was a part of this.

Try insulting or even offering up criticism about Gordon Hinckley or Mitt Romney around a group of Mormons and you will get the exact same response.

And their experiences must be universally appicable for all...

Hey, when I'm feeling my mojo I can be one of the "tough love" crowd, myself, and there is a place for it when someone is using their situation and circumstances to beat someone else up...

But that's only when it's warranted... I've broken bread with Raptor J (okay, dinosaurs like him only eat meat, but you get my drift), and the guy is modest and unassuming despite possessing a first rate intellect (and my old "Mormon perfectionistic tendencies" are speaking with that one).

Worst thing I can say about him is sometimes he's funnier than I am, and he's way younger and better looking... But I guess dinosaurs are sexy and cabdrivers aren't...

Just the kind I need to keep me on my toes and looking forward...

downsouth Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Time to get off the Tit and stand up for yourself.

Wow, man. Calm down.

Didn't Raptor just break up with his wife? Personally, I think having no money or assets is a brilliant strategy with negotiating a divorce.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Raptor Jesus is on my permanent, ultra-cool guy list. Yes, he's having a tough time at the moment but a big part of the reason we come here is to support and lift each other up when we're down, not tear each other apart. There are few things in life more meaningful than a friend who is there for you during the dark times. And we all have them.

One of the most touching things I've ever seen in my exmo life is when Tiptoes, a poster here from Texas, was leaving the church and had absolutely no support from her TBM husband and family. She felt totally isolated and scared and had to reach out to strangers here on the board for help, (as many of us have done before, including myself). Raptor stood up for her. He spent hours researching and providing the information Tiptoes needed to stand up to an arrogant and misogynistic home teacher. In the words of the Raptor man himself "We fuckin' crushed him!!!"

Tiptoes was so grateful for the all the help and support, that she had some "Raptor Jesus" guitar picks made up and brought to the exmo conference to hand out to everyone to show her gratitude. I still have mine.

So when someone who doesn't know Raptor and callously tells him, in so many words, to man up, I get pissed. He's a good guy who's going through some tough times. He needs our support not our condemnation.

I'm not saying downsouth is right, but RJ posted a public story and we all have the right to comment how we see fit.

However, on the other hand, you absolutely can flame the guy who flamed your hero. :)

I personally love it when the dicks come out of the woodwork and show their true colors.
Cuz then I know who the dicks are! :D

Nerts? Is that good or bad?

What I meant was "kudos" to that I suppose.

Yet another time I need to find out what the hell something means before I say it.. like years ago, I was working doing data entry, and said I was feeling "amorous" towards my computer, trying to imply simply that I felt a kinship to it.. not realizing I was implying a bit more... enthusiastic affinity for it.

-sigh- I just never learn..



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/08/2012 10:56PM by apatheist.