Posted by:
Raptor Jesus
(
)
Date: May 11, 2012 08:12PM
I feel compelled to document this right now. While I've had all of these symptoms before (except the sweaty night terrors), I haven't had some of the symptoms this strongly since right after my mission, and I want to document what it's like as I go through it.
On the plus, work granted me the leave request today. They didn't have a problem with it. The job still won't be right for me in the long run and keeps contributing to my problems - but at least I have a contingency plan. That should be great news and I'd be happier for it during normal times.
Anyway, the last couple of days have been incredibly brutal. If I hadn't described it before - I began in a constant state of rage. Pure fury. When that finally abated, I still felt completely wound up. Like an armed bomb ready to go off. The weirdest sensation was the heat I could feel beneath my skin while having a cold sheen of sweat on top of my skin. Like a pool of lava beneath a glacier. I left work after an hour because it wasn't good for me to be around people in a work environment.
What was difficult though is that it wasn't great to be alone either. When you "trigger" so much for so long, your body begins to break and your brain starts shouting at you that there's no other way out. No hope. No escape. Kill yourself now. But you're still wound up ready to snap at anything and everyone. So, if I work and something bad happens - I'll lose my shit. But being alone means that I have to constantly swipe away suicidal thoughts.
I was very happy to be able to talk to some of you off board that day. Thank you very much.
Today, everything finally washed out and what was left was the "detachment" from reality. You feel like you are living in a dream. Instead of ghosts haunting you - you are the ghost haunting this world. And nothing you do seems to have any "real consequences."
Meaning that just like in dreams, if you were to get hurt or hurt someone else, it doesn't really matter. Eventually you'll wake up and everyone will be fine.
Unfortunately, just like the enraged stage - it's a dangerous place to be in - but for obvious but different reasons.
You have to keep reminding yourself that you are in reality and you NEED to care. Because you just don't give a shit about anyone or anything.
My hypothesis is that this feeling comes from your body "normalizing" to an increased level of adrenaline - and when you no longer have it, you "crash" and your "true normal" levels aren't "good enough."
Driving home today, I almost got into an accident and the adrenaline surge made me feel "normal" again. And when the danger passed, I felt completely disconnected.
I'm happy to be home and have a relaxing weekend. I don't really have anything planned, and luckily I won't be alone. I do need to call my mother at some point and try to explain all of this to her.
My parents have been good enough to ask in the past about PTSD, and while I understand that it is difficult to truly "get" unless you have it, maybe I just haven't been brutal enough about describing the actual symptoms. And then trying to get her to understand that I can't and shouldn't be alone right now, but I also PHYSICALLY CANNOT handle conflict right now. If I feel threatened, there is no reasoning with me. I will destroy you.
For those of you who had responded to the earlier threads. I really appreciate your concern. And unfortunately, this is a difficult time because I have been going to therapy, I have been working out, and I have really tried hard to cut the alcohol down. I have also been religiously taking my meds.
And things had been manageable until now. The divorce and the stress of what I have to do for my job just broke everything. And in spite of the therapy, drugs, and all the techniques that I've learned over a decade - it just hasn't been enough.
However, while I may feel completely detached from reality, my brain is at least rational enough now to understand that I'm going to get a three month break starting in June to be able to calm down and hopefully find some peace and stability where things will be "manageable" again.
Again, the board has been very helpful, and I think I'm compelled to document this because maybe it will help someone else in the future.