I'm going to bust out some wine because I need to calm down. I have no one to talk to about this who is not a family member, so I'm going to vent here. Feel free to tell me off if you think I deserve it.

Most of you know I raised two families, one all boys and one all girls, nine in all. I struggled as a single mom and never had a babysitter or even a real vacation. No extended family that wasn't crazier than me and a Mormon exhusband that takes the cake. And I know you all know exactly what I mean by that.

So it was me making all the sacrifices, most of which these grown kids do not even know about, like going a year with a partial mastectomy with no reconstruction on one side because my asshat husband said it was unnecessary when they asked him since he didn't care. They asked for his approval when I was still in surgery. He, being a certified narcissist two or three levels above me, never gave a thought to whether I might feel it was necessary--- never mind, don't get me started.

So I just recently inherited some money. Twice as much as I was expecting. So I figured I had some gravy money and bought a car and an RV (to replace the one I gave to my daughter when she was homeless). That very same daughter, and two of her sisters, are all criticizing me for not going to Europe.

You read right. They think I should go to Hawaii, France and Italy and now, because of my impulse spending, I will not be able to do those things.

You should read the tone on these emails. "Have you paid the bills before you started spending the money?" asks the daughter who is planning her second bankruptcy. "Have you really thought this through that this is the best use of the money with you growing older every day?" asks the daughter who I've been supporting for going on three years. "Why do you need a trailer?" asks the daughter that I gave the trailer to that I bought for myself five years ago (this one is an exact duplicate).

I went to Honduras a couple of years ago and absolutely HATED it. The bugs ate me alive and I had fang marks and streaks up my legs from the spiders feasting on me. I was covered with goo at night and couldn't sleep with the scratching. My insect revulsion was in full force and I wanted to go home the day after I got there. (PS/The shots alone almost killed me.)

I have trouble sleeping in strange places, am not so much into gambling or eating gourmet food. I would be making vegetable smoothies and sticking to my healthy diet (so no cruises).

So after careful consideration, I decided that what I really want to do is bike and travel around by RV so I can linger. I hate to be rushed. I don't see why I have to justify spending my own money how I want.

Thanks for listening. I feel better already and have stopped muttering.

Anagrammy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/18/2012 11:44PM by anagrammy.

Your daughters are out of line. WE make our own decisions and they must make theirs. I would not even respond to such ridiculous questions. Do they know about the amt. you received in the inheritence? Only tell them if you feel a need to justify. IF they are saying these things to try to get a figure from you just ignore them.

Good point. I didn't tell them how much it was, just that it was more.

To be honest, I am only spending the gravy money (the part beyond what I was expecting), which I think is reasonable.

What pisses me off is I suspect they are thinking of themselves and their fears that I might need financial help from them.

Tks, honestone

Ana

Mia - everybody's dreams are different. This is mine. Living in my own little bugfree environment in beautiful surroundings, writing.

When I want to see a horror film, I find a movie about older women traveling to India....

:) I' m writing my own Book of Moments.

Anagrammy

I am with you on bug free enviroments. I once spent a very uncomfortable night and day in an ant pile. I can't stand crawlies.

They get no say in how you spend your money. Personally I think the way you spent it is Amazing. You will have so much fun. I wish I could do what you're doing. You've more than earned it.

I have a stepson who is resentful because we didn't spend every nickel we have to put him through an ivy league school, and finance him and his wife while they lived in Europe for a year.
I had to remind him I didn't have the opportunity to go to college until I was 40, and had him and my own kids to take care of while I did it. I've never been t Europe, and i'm pretty sure if I do go it won't be for a year.

If there's anything left over when I die the kids can have it. In the meantime, they have zero say in where my money goes. The kids are all turning 30 shortly. They are old enough to go get their own money. I'm sure I have no say in how they spend their money.

p.s. They are probably resentful you didn't give some of your inheritance to them. You don't owe them any of it. In fact, you don't need to tell them the amount, or how you spent it. Your finances are your business.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/19/2012 12:03AM by Mia.

Dear Anagrammy...

You are an amazing mom and a wonderful woman. I have read post after post on RfM thanking you and praising you for your insight, your thoughtfulness and wisdom.

So why is it when it comes to our own situation, we are so blind?

I want you to step back and think of the advice you would give to somebody in your own situation. Seriously. What would you say?

Now follow your own advice.

We love our children, but at some point (for mine,it was after they graduated from college)...at some point they need to GROW UP and face life as an adult without Mom's help.

I will always be here for my children, but I will NOT let them use me and abuse me. Period, end of discussion. They all know this and they respect it .

Anagrammy, you know what is right, I know you do. So do the right thing..for you, and for your (GROWN, ADULT) kids.

You are so right, Debbie.

I feel the no-love in them not supporting my choices. When I was struggling financially in Utah, no one offered to help me.

In fact, one of my daughters wouldn't even let me sleep on her couch after I had driven all the way from Utah because I didn't call far enough ahead. This is the same daughter who asked me to fly to Utah to help her husband manage their two small children when she was in a training. Notification time? Two hours.

I think the level of anger I have is tapping into just what you are alluding to. They are maybe taking advantage of my feeling guilty for the kind of childhood they had.

I would advise any woman to quit defending and explaining. I don't need to ask why they don't approve. I don't need their approval to check off my own bucket list.

Thank you!

Ana

omg at your daughter! This has reaffirmed the fact that I don't want any kids, they wear you down your whole life while you sacrifice your own existence for them and then want to run the show that is your life once they are grown?? as mormons would say, heck no!

Like everyone else has said, do what YOU want, remind your kids we all make our own decisions and you are making up for lost time after wasting years letting the morg. influence yours!

Good point...she does give good advice so often so anagrammy do step back and think what you would tell someone else regarding how to handle this. I know it is hard when you are thinking of your own kids. But you can do it.

RVing and biking is alot more fun than a trip to Europe. Sounds like you are making the right choices. Ignore your bratty kids and follow your heart :)

If you're ever in my area while in your travels, please stop by. I live in Washington, about 50 miles north of Seattle. I would love to meet you. If you come in the summer, i'll take you fishing and crabbing.

Really, Mia? I AM GOING TO WASHINGTON and I would love to meet you!

See--this is what I mean. No tour guide, no fixed schedule. To me this is relaxing, being able to modify my trip, my route, my plans and do what I want, not being part of a group.

I used to live in Belfair, Gig Harbor and Tacoma and I will be in Seattle for a time. So I will definitely detour up your way!

Email me at anagrammy at gmail and I'll keep you posted on my plans. Have to go to Arizona first where I'm going to pick up the RV and meet ambivalentmo!

Anagrammy

Yes, really.

Maybe when they are older they will understand :).

I guess Mom's fear for their kids and kids fear for their moms.

Sounds like you did something ultimately quite nice for yourself. Inspiring. I hope you get a lot out of the RV (and the car too, but the RV sounds like a great treat for you).

Anyone telling you how to spend your free time needs to stuff it.

Do what's enjoyable for you Ana...

Personal interests differ.

They can play in Europe if they want...go rock the RV!!!

Do you know about sisters on the fly? Google them. They are women who have done exactly what you are going to do.

I had an aunt who bought a trailer and traveled by herself after her husband died. Her kids had a fit. She traveled for about 8 years. She had the time of her life. She passed away about 10 years after her husband.

"Well you can't please everyone so you only have to please yourself"

You earned it. Just make sure you are looking out for retirement. Doesn't sound like you want to spend it with ungreatful children.

Are you planning to drop by New Orleans?

We would love to show you around or just visit!!

Possibly--if I end up driving one daughter to New York. That would be fabulous to meet up with you.

Didn't I meet you at the Exmormon Conference last year?

Ana

Thanks so much for your support EVERYONE.

I cried after reading these. As usual, anger was masking my feelings of great hurt that they weren't happy for me getting the opportunity to fulfill a dream that I had kissed goodbye.

I thought I wasn't healthy enough, didn't have enough $$ in reserve, maybe had diabetes and felt fearful about being away from the right (insurance-covered) doctor. Now all that has changed since I changed my diet. I still have at least 10 years left of really active life. I feel healthy and strong and why should I spend what years I have left in front of a TV if I have the opportunity to get out there?

Thanks for those who understand why I don't want to travel after the Nightmare in Honduras.

I love you guys.

Anagrammy a little tipsy

It's none of anyone's dam business.

You go ahead and enjoy your biking and RVing! My daughter and I are travelling fulltime in our motor home with our 2 dogs and having a wonderful time. We've been to so many beautiful and interesting places, and are enjoying exploring the western USA (planning on going east when we can better afford it.)

We're doing exactly what you dream of doing - "Living in my own little bugfree environment in beautiful surroundings, writing." Yes, I'm writing, and sitting in beautiful, peaceful surroundings greatly facilitates the writing process.
BTW, my daughter is an adult who has Down Syndrome so lives with me. She's the absolute best travelling companion - fun, smart, and easy to get along with. I also have a son who is in college. He's supportive of what we're doing and is a wonderful young man.

It's time to do for YOU now!!! Time to thumb your nose at the selfish, ungrateful people in your life.

Go live the life you want while you still can. And I hope you have a terrific time :)

TG

You can always come see ME!

Anagrammy,

I'm so glad you vented. The conduct of your children is unbelievable. The whole lot of them seems to have never grasped the concept of gratitude, and are completely blind to how much of it they owe you.

I'm confident that you'll be fine. You'll meet wonderful interesting people in your travels, and I envy you in the freedom to get away like that. I do not envy your kids missing out on a deep relationship with a great mom to whom they owe so very much.

I wouldn't imagine telling my parents how to spend their money. I told my dad once that I didn't see Ferrari as his style. He teases me about that from time to time. It seemed rude of me, but he's conservative mormon. Of course not Ferrari. I just didn't realize why I was saying it at the time.

Otherwise, your daughters seem WAY out of line.

Honduras? For a vacation? DO THE RV! So fun! You get to travel around and meet people in different cool spots and see and experience wonderful places! Oh do it! Other countries are overrated and just about everybody hates Americans. There is much to see in America. Let them talk sh it. Say "uh huh" and pack your sh it and take a trip in your nice RV. Suckas! my parents were Mr and Mrs RV when mom was still with us (passed away). I know of what I speak.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/19/2012 01:18AM by suckafoo.

I sure would like to meet you too someday. We are in our 40's and have 4 daughters. In about 6 months we are going to purchase the RV of our dreams and do a US History tour with the girls. They have been homeschooled due to the constant moving around with the military and so this trip is part of their education. We should meet up on the road someday!

I'd love that. I homeschooled my brood from time to time, usually following some appalling incident in the school system.

They all ended up as A students ahead of their class. Go figure.

When I thought back on my life, I looked for the golden moments. There were quite a few that had to do with the RV I had when the kids were young. A Christmas on the road to the coast in Oregon. At Miner's Lake in Utah watching a storm come in. At a lake in Dexter, Oregon. And one remarkable day at the beach in Astoria.

Most gorgeous sunset I have ever seen to this very day. Keep in touch! Email me at my name at gmail and let me know where you are. You never know! I raised five daughters, so I can sympathize with the estrogen-rich environment.

Best

Anagrammy

We use the term 'don't catch the ball' when we encounter a situation (family or otherwise) where other people feel compelled to advise us of how we should XXXXXXXX - been through lots of situations and manage to chuckle with that term.

You have thought about what you want and how to accomplish this - enjoy it, you well deserve it.

Happy and safe wanderings for you!

Whoa, your kids need to step back and shut up, IMHO. You do what YOU want. Take care of you and enjoy the RV and the biking and whatever else suits you.

Go have fun and do what you want.