Relative is getting married after divorcing first spouse. First marriage was a temple marriage. This marriage is not but many relatives and friends are TBM and despite being outwardly supportive, many likely are disappointed this isn't a temple marriage.
Question:
1) What is a good response when I hear a relative allude to disappointment they are being married outside the temple? I expect to here this at some point.
2) What is a good, subtle way to drop hints that I think the temple marriage policy is exclusionary, keeping families apart.
Some of my own ideas below. What do you think?
-subtle: when someone brings up the issue, say, "I hadn't thought of that. I was just thinking how wonderful it is that all these people could be here to share this special moment with them. I wish I could have had a wedding like this. Two of my siblings had to sit outside. We sat around waiting for a bit because another family member forgot to bring their recommend. It was stressful. I look at all the smiling faces of people that are here supporting this couple and know God is well will pleased with these beautiful newlyweds."
-more direct: Yell out, "Hey, Sam, welcome to the wedding. Glad you could make it. I'm glad you weren't banned from this wedding ceremony."
Blatantly obvious: "I'd like to make a toast to the bride and groom. Here's to making a bold decision to get married here where everyone is allowed to participate and no one is excluded. Weddings are about family and friends celebrating together. Your boycott of the temple's exclusionary policies may be upsetting to some, but someday, when the exclusionary policy is lifted, you will be revered as pioneers. Join me in giving three cheers for this brave couple and their brave decision to allow all of us to be a part of their ceremony.
It is fun to speculate about things you wish you could say. I'm just so tempted to respond of someone says it is sad they are getting married outside the temple.
I go for the subtle. And when you talk about how some of your family sat outside...add how nice no one had to wait outside (or away from the couple) for this wedding.
The people who were mormon at my daughter's civil wedding were just plain rude. Wouldn't go sit on the chairs set up by where the service was....just waited indoors where the reception would be. And they were there on time. Do you think some won't attend the actual ceremony coming up for your relative, being it is "not of God"- in their opinion.
In that case, the couple should have made note of it in thank you cards.
As in:
Thank you so much for attending my wedding reception and the unique set of personal hair removers you gave as a gift.
It would have been wonderful if you had attended the ceremony since you made the trip for the reception. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed the cookies and punch.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/31/2012 11:43PM by vicksbestdog.
Blatantly obvious: "I'd like to make a toast to the bride and groom. Here's to making a bold decision to get married here where everyone is allowed to participate and no one is excluded. Weddings are about family and friends celebrating together. Your boycott of the temple's exclusionary policies may be upsetting to some, but someday, when the exclusionary policy is lifted, you will be revered as pioneers. Join me in giving three cheers for this brave couple and their brave decision to allow all of us to be a part of their ceremony.
I'd go with this one........it is polite but still to the point exactly. Good luck and report back how it went!! Also, eat before you go. Morg weddings are famous for being CHEAP - you might get a small (I mean tiny) paper cup of nuts and those little pastel mints and a cup of sprite with green sherbet in it. I think they use the old sacrament cups to put these little nuts and mints in them. They need to save money to BREED BABY BREED so don't expect much to eat and NO coffee or tea at all. If you want an alcoholic beverage, drink it in the car before you go in.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/01/2012 03:53AM by enoughenoch19.
This is the very reason I ask for advice. My initial idea may have been misguided. This is about the couple, not mormonism. I'm just not sure I can contain myself if someone launches into a temple discussion. I want to score points. Need to resist and take the higher ground. Thanks.
You could point out that in the UK when church members marry they have to have a civil ceremony first because a temple marriage on its own isn't legal. Theres a big civil ceremony in the chapel (and not the Relief Society room) where the entire ward is welcome to attend, a reception then the couple head off to the temple. My point being is in some mormon communities a civil ceremony is perfectly acceptable and not something to be ashamed of.
The best wedding I've ever been to was my neice's. After the regular ceremony and before the 'kiss' the clergywoman asked everyone who was married to stand up and asked my neice and her soon to be husband to turn around. She asked them to 'Look at the crowd of people standing, because there before you stand hundreds of years of experience with relationships and every one of these people love you and want you to succeed.' She then counceled them to 'Use their family and friend's wisdom and example to create your own piece of heaven,' What a difference that was from the civil marriage my oldest daughter had where the stake president felt the need to lecture them on how this wasn't a 'real' marraige because it was for time only. Or my second daughter who was married in the temple while I sat outside and talked to my sister, the only other ex mormon in the family (at the time, another brother has left too). If you have to have a wedding like my oldest daughter, take her aside afterwards, or mention in her card, that it is a real marriage and a time to celebrate and that you have their back, also-all the other blowhards are just that, blowhards
At a daughters non-temp wedding where TBMs were assisting with set up and a bishop doing the ceremony in a non-LDS location, one TBM actually said it was a very nice event. My response was: "Thanks. I think so too. I wish the church would instruct all members to do this kind of thing since it really makes it a family affair where all can attend." He said it was probably more appropriate in cases where one or more set of parents weren't members.
At my sisters Cathedral wedding (We are a Catholic family.) I am the oldest of 5. My sister is the only girl. This wedding was a big deal. Family (400 plus) flew in from all over. At my generation we are 3rd generation American and at this point in our family we have about 30% LDS members in the whole group. In addition my Mum invited several friends of she and dad. So total wedding was about 900 people.
On the day of the event my brothers were ushers. The Cathedral in SLC does not have A/C so we opened the doors for air. My brothers and I kept our eyes open. As the wedding mass went along and the music played people would wonder in off the street and sit. There were no hassles with any one. Here was this wedding and we were all dressed to the nines. Keep in mind that this is a Catholic church. (This does not make me or any Catholic superior.) So these people wandering in off the street. Dressed in their fines summer shorts, tank tops, and short skirts. My brothers and i kept an open eye - but asked no one to leave.
The reception was held at a country club with three bands, an open free bar. At the bar they served any drink you wanted. Regular or unleaded. And no one - no one was restricted from participating. The booze was kept from the little kids of course. But no one was excluded from any music, food, or drink.
Some of these people had not seen each other or members of my family in 30 years. It was a blast. And because the atmosphere was open to all and all were welcome you could have had this whole shindig in a barn and had just as good a time. The one thing that just blew me away was that all and I mean all the Mormons at this event would not mingle, would not reach out to others at the party. Keep in mind that some of these people have known my family for over 70 years. Yes there were friends of my late grand parents there. I see how some people might be shy. But it was like this block of people (Mormons) were outright afraid and stunned. Afraid to talk to others and stunned that everybody was welcome.
If the Mormons were not so busy, as a group, trying to show everybody how much better and superior the think they are they might find the world less hostile - especially when it comes weddings.
Make little comments like, "this is so much more personal that a temple wedding". or "It's so nice to be able to have the kids here where they aren't allowed into the temple. Kids make everything better".
Everyone is thinking these things...it's just that no one dares to say them!
Not that this would come up but after years of being excluded from family's temple weddings, my stepdaughter was getting married with all of the bells and whistles. While speaking with my family about the upcoming festivities, my niece (who had been married in the temple) asked who would be able to be at the wedding ceremony. I told her, "Everyone gets to go to the wedding. EVERYONE."