I am divorced, with and ex who is TBM. A parent of my ex has been interfering with my kids, by telling them negative things about me. When I confronted this person (grandparent) it was denied and in fact, the person tried to turn the tables by telling me that the reason for all of these issues is because I haven't clarified the reason I divorced my ex, and that I have been teaching our kids a contrary philosophy.

This person encouraged me to tell them why I divorced my ex so that they (the grandparents) will have a good explanation to give the kids (their grandkids), and that it was time for me to put aside my philosophical differences with the ex so as not to confuse our children.

I replied back by telling the ex in-law that it was none of their business nor their responsibility to tell the kids anything about the divorce or my views. That I am responsible for this and am fully capable of doing this for the kids without outside help. In other words, "STFU!"

It was the in-laws intruding in the marriage that cause significant problems in the first place. That and because my ex was/is turning into the in-law parents--controlling, self-righteous and completely inflexible about me continuing to grow in personal "philosophy" that caused much of our break-up.

I don't know how old your kids are but I had two thoughts. One - what are the legal rights of grandparents? Can't you get some sort of stop-visitation on these people since they aren't the parents and they are messing with your children? If they are threatened with something akin to a restraining order if they keep up their behavior,that might reign them in. But I don't know what the divorce laws are regarding grandchildren.

Two - one technique that has worked brilliantly for me with Mormons behaving badly around my kids is to point out exactly what they are doing. I say "If you want to be Mormon when you grow up, you'll have to put up with other people telling you what to do all the time." Or, "you'll have to put up with people saying bad things about you if you don't do exactly what they want you to do. Or "you'll have to put up with trying to interfere with your children and turn your kids against you just because you believe differently than them." I pretty much just call it like it is with my kids and don't give a Mormon carte blanche to behave badly because they are related or because it's their religious beliefs. It seems to work because my kids like their Mormon friends who are nice but don't put up with much from Mormons who behave like crap.

As is normal with TBMs, it's a one-way street. In the real world, they should also have to "put aside their philosophical differences" so as not to confuse the children, especially in that they are grandparents, not the mother, and have no legal standing. (Unless they are legal or part-time legal guardains.)

There's nothing wrong with each parent teaching what *they* believe even when ideas differ. That's life and kids can learn to understand that there's a diversity of ideas among people and that mom is a mormon and dad is not.

"Kiddies, I am not a mormon. Here are a couple of things I believe . . . . Your mom is a mormon so when you're with her, you will be expected to follow mormon rules. When you're with me we will work out other options. People can love you and you can love them even though they don't all believe the same way."

Grandparents don't need to know partiulars of divorce. They shouldn't be discussing such things with the kiddies. It isn't their job.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2012 10:19AM by Cheryl.

I agree with Cheryl. I would also add that your ex-inlaws should be seeing the kids only when your ex has them, especially in the kind of situation you describe.

Keep a log of all communications with them. Just the date and their words. Also write down anything your kids say that they were told.

I'm guessing that your ex gives them lots of contact with the kids and it will be hard to stop that.

Your best bet by far is to do as CA Girl suggests, and try to inoculate the kids against the kind of thinking they are teaching the kids - but without talking against their other parent in any way. It's a thin line, but the kids can't be made into pawns.

It sounds like you are in for a long hard fight.

Kids shouldn't be involved in their parents' disagreements. They don't need to know why you divorced until they are old enough to ask, and then they only need a simple explanation that doesn't make either parent look bad, and reassurance that both parents will always love them. Pretty much any book about divorce will tell you that. Kids should never have to take sides. That's what this grandparent needs to understand. Find a book or print some information off of the internet about co-parenting and give it to them.
I was able to get a mutual restraining order through a mediation agreement. It says, "Both parties are restrained from saying or doing anything that would tend to diminish the child's love and affection for the other parent, including but not limited to speaking derogatorily about the other parent in front of the child...Neither parent shall attempt to alienate the child in any way from the other parent." You might be able to get something similar. Courts see this parental alienation all the time.
Kids aren't going to be confused about their parents having different beliefs, any more than by their parents having different rules at each house. At mom's house you have to go to church on Sunday, at dad's house you can go to the park or whatever dad wants to do. Every house has different rules anyway.

While growing up I idolized UCLA basketball coach John Wooden and took to heart many of his philosophies. When preparing his team for games, he didn't place much emphasis on what the other team would be trying to do against them. Instead, he concentrated on perfecting the things HIS team needed to do to win.

When I was first in a situation similar to yours, I chose not to worry about what others (ex-wife, in-laws, church members, etc.) did or said, but instead chose to concentrate on being open and honest, setting a good example, and being a good father to my children. My message was to show them that having a crazy church in one's life was not required to accomplish those things.

Kids are pretty sharp, not prone to being "confused". Any confusion with my kids usually occurred from the inconsistencies and untruths they were presented with by those around them. Having developed an open and honest relationship with them presented many teaching opportunities for me to point out where my ex, the in-laws, or the church was wrong. Your kids will greatly appreciate you being candid with them. Your ex and in-laws...not so much. But as I told mine, "There is one way to shut me up. Stop doing and telling my kids stupid things and I won't have anything to set them straight about."

Now that my kids are older they know they can come to me with just about anything. They know I am a good person and will be straight with them. They have a relationship with their mother where they have to walk on eggshells around her. I have asked them if they have to be so cautious around her if that is really a relationship. They just shrug. They also have a greater understanding of why I left her...and the church.