Sorry this is long...but while I haven't been your stereotypical gay guy, I've had these feelings since I can remember. And growing up in the church brought it's fair share of issues for me. My family has known I was gay since I was 14 when my oldest brother, who was 26 at the time, found my gay searches (chat rooms and wanting to understand more about my feelings) on the Internet history. He confronted me with my mom (my dad had died the previous year from cancer)and they embarrassed and shamed me so I told them I was curious. Well my brother who is two years older than me found out and told me that he couldn't believe I'd do that and made me feel even worse. So years of deep depression, confusion and counseling at LDSFS can really put one in a mind-bleep. In HS I was persistent and dated guys I'd met online (secretly of course) then mission time came and I'd been programmed to go, had to repent for dating guys and so I hesitantly went. Right away I knew I didn't want to be there but my Mom and siblings kept writing and telling me to hang on, pray, read scriptures, go to the temple, and "lose myself in the work." MP wouldn't sent me home, instead he and the SP doctor said I just needed Zoloft and my family all agreed so I gave it a try and my depression and anxiety got 10x worse! (which is a sign I didn't need it!) I kept giving it my all though but eventually burned out and couldn't get out of bed, etc. MP finally let me go home once I told him I was gay (plus he knew how depressed I was being there) so I came home "honorably" a few months early.

I left the church after I came home (learned on my mission through church history books in church linrary that the church was a fraud plus being gay and proud of it doesnt mix well with the church...obviously) but I still live my life as though a Mormon (don't drink or do drugs, etc. and that's nothing to do with religion I just don't do any of it by my own choice) I have been in a monogamous committed relationship for 5 years; we don't participate in the "gay scene" because we have no need too, we just live a quiet life with close friends and are very happy. My family has known of my "lifestyle" and partner but nobody has eer made the effort to reach out to my partner. I bring his name up around family and they get uncomfortable but will ask things like "what does _____ do..." etc. But never "you should bring ____ along sometime!" or "we should all go out so I can get to know him." Nothing. My TBM family has shown "love" to me though despite, but I'm learning it's not real and they back talk me because I've HEARD them. Oldest brother (12 yrs older) even text me one time when I informed him I wouldn't be attending priesthood that "I have hope for you...we all do." I took the high road and didn't reply, and have taken the high road MANY times with them all when they say or do ignorant things. I know this is long, but I want people to get a good idea of my situation. So two weeks ago my brother that's two years older than me (whom I've never actually talked about being gay with but he's knows since he was 16 and knows about my partner and has even offered to help us move twice before but I think that's because ie helped him & his wife move so much...but anyways...)so my brother emails me a good quote website because he knows I love quotes (it wasn't LDS website don't worry...he knows better than to do that) so I emailed him back an email thanking him and talking to him about a job he applied too, wishing him well etc. I additionally opene up to him even stating I know we'd never talked about it before and that I know for him it may be awkward, but I basically told him my deepest feelings and that this is who I've always been and that I love my partner and that I am so happy compared to before when I had to live a lie. I was very nice and even told him I really would appreciate his reply, regardless of his thoughts or opinions. Well it's Ben two weeks now, it's killing me with pain. I cannot believe he hasn't replied. I opened up to him...something that I've been afraid of doing with people for this exact reason! I can't stop thinking about it, I feel like its time to cut off contact with him & my entire family. I can think of a plethora of things I want to say and do to them all but I want to remain classy and take the high road but I also feel they need to know how they've hurt me. For my brother that's two years older than me I want to reply simply with this quote (since he loves quotes) "when you simply dismiss someones innermost feelings you are dismissing them."

Should I cut the cord to these toxic people? Since they've pretty much already dismissed me by not including my partner. Anytime I hear from them I feel sad and depressed. They don't contribute anything positive to my life I feel. But the thought of losing your family is hard & its been causing me much grief, but I keep reminding myself my partner and I are now building our family (plan on adopting in a few years). Any thoughts on cutting ties with family?  

Sad, Very Sad.

Everything in Mormonism is conditional; most of us have learned that, Some easy, many not so easy.

that said, it sounds like you're on the way to a happy, productive life: ENJOY!

That is so sad. I feel for you. I would send him that quote. Then wait another couple of weeks. Another thing you can do is find quotes from the brethren that they are supposed to be following on how to treat homosexuals. The hardest thing is to just sit all of them down and tell them that if they will not accept your loved one then it is going to be in your best interst to move on and adopt a family that loves both of you unconditionally.

i'm in a somewhat similar situation as you...gay, happy with my current life, and not able to share it with the LDS part of my family. my partner and i have been together for 6 years...and though i always included him in my xmas cards, phone conversations, etc, not once have they acknowledged him in return.

last year, he and i got married. i emailed the family after the fact, and in the 10 months since, no response, except a phone call on my birthday when once again, no acknowledgment that there's someone else in my life.

i made my decision: if they don't need him, i don't need them.

not saying you should go that way, but it's working for me.

my best to you. i'm sincerely glad you have found your way out.

Big hugs to you. Growing up for me meant that I figured out that the phrases - We love you if- We love you when - and we love you BUT- meant that those speaking were BROKEN. It meant that they didnt know how to love ME.

As an adoptive parent- I can tell you it is an amazing emotional journey and worth everything you go through to get to the moment when you finally hold your own child in your arms.

I wish you and your partner all the best. Im sad for your family- they are the ones missing out.

but the electrons ate it.

So briefly. I wouldn't cut ties even though it sounds like there isn't much there to cut.

I think cutting it off is more to protect yourself from overt bad behavior which doesn't seem to be the issue here.

Next time there is a family event, I'd take your partner with you. Might be interesting to see how that would develop.

Whatever you choose, RfM is here.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/05/2012 10:46PM by lulu.

For a lot of heterosexual people and families, their path to fully accepting gay people starts with intimately knowing a gay person.

My take is that right now, your family has no clue about how to interact with a gay person. It is like they have an alien in their midst and they don't know what to make of you. It is entirely out of the realm of their experience.

Your brother is probably taking what teachers call "processing time." He's thinking it over. It doesn't mean that he has rejected you, more that he is just trying to make sense of what you have told him. All of the years of confusion that you felt as a teenager...he is feeling that now. He doesn't get it. None of them do.

I'll tell you a story that might strike you as being funny or perhaps rather pathetic. You have to remember that many heterosexuals of a certain age have had no role models for having gay people as intimate friends -- it's not something that many of our parents did. So when my brother and his wife cultivated a relationship with a gay couple, I watched their interactions intently. And it suddently struck me -- Oh! You invite the gay couple over to dinner just like you would invite any other couple that you are friends with! <head smack> Really, we can be that clueless.

So you might (in time,) try inviting your brother and his wife over for dinner. And if a sibling ever tells you again that he has hope for you, you can tell him that you have hope for him as well.

I was the youngest of 6 in my very VERY mormon family. Long story short, I admitted to myself and others that I was a lesbian while in the MTC. I managed to finish my mission, graduated from BYU and moved to a city in the largely unchurched pacific NW. That is where I met my wife of 4 years. We have been happily partnered for 7.

I tried many different approaches with my family over the past several years and have determined that the best solution for me is to have no contact with any of them. They do not believe that I am happy. They think that I am going to hell if I don't come back. Ironically, going back would BE hell.

I did not begin with this plan, but this is where I have arrived.

Take stock of how you are feeling when you are around them. Will any of them ever say "I am so happy for you"? Will any of them support you and your partner's decision to raise a child? Do they believe you when you tell them how happy you are?

If not, you deserve more. Of course every situation is unique, but I am writing to let you know that for some of us, complete cutting of ties is the best choice.

This involved the following:

1. Changing my cell phone number
2. Writing "refused, return to sender" on all letters and packages
3. Creating a new email address
4. Placing family email addresses on block lists
5. Ignoring notes left on my door when they are "passing through"

It is not easy, but any time I open a letter I am subjected to the same message which is that they are more invested in their belief system than in me. They do not acknowledge my partner as anything more than an aquaintance. That is not OK.

I have done this for about 3 years with very positive results. For me it was partly about taking back my power.

Best wishes to you. I am VERY happy that you found someone to share your life with. Enjoy!!!!

There is a possibility that cutting ties can be a very positive move. It will force an issue that needs to be forced. Your family will have to finally decide if they want to know the real you and have the real you in their lives. It could go either way, but it sounds like you are prepared for that.

I was in your situation 30 years ago. I realized Mormon families more than anyone else, just don't know how to handle those situations. This is paralyzing for them and the result is they do nothing. Like your brother. He may care, but just be frozen from not knowing how to say anything.

I made it clear that my partner and I came as a package. You must include yours in everything and let them follow your lead. If you are together and relaxed, they should too. They may find themselves liking the two of you in spite of their church. It happens--a lot. We're fun.

If that is too much for them and they withdraw, then it is their loss and you will know that removing them from your life was the right decision--but you will have the peace of knowing you gave them the benefit of the doubt.

If your partner is not included in family events and you attend alone you are sending a message to them that their approval is more important to you than your partner's love. Your partner is your real family now and should come before anything else.

My family ended up being as accepting as you can ever expect from TBMs and I honestly think that part of that was that I made it clear it that it would be that or nothing. It has not been easy, and I still have serious issues over the fact that they belong to a church that is actively fighting to take away my rights. It will be an odd relationship always, but you have to take the lead if you want one.

I would start by inviting your family to your house for dinner. It lets them know that you want them in your life, your real life. The next telling move is up to them.

the cult always finds a way to force the family of a gay or lesbian human to choose between blood and belief.

99.999 times out of 100, the family chooses belief.

You can work that information to your advantage and stop being the victim of both your family and your former church. You can ignore their cult-induced rudeness and bring your spouse wherever you go, damn the torpedoes full speed ahead, and see if the family eventually snaps out of their cult-mindset. Or you can say they made their choice and it is now your choice to move on and create your own family, composed of those who love and respect you for who you are.

Best wishes.

Wow I did not expect that many replies to my post. I read EVERY SINGLE ONE and wish I could reply to each one individually but I have saved your words to reference too and boost me up. I am grateful for the straight people's advice because of your straight POV on this as well as the lesbian & gay replies since they've been in my same shoes. I have already filtered all of my family email addresses to a specific folder so when I choose I can check it to see if anyone has messaged me (since like I said anytime I hear from them it's too painful and 99% of the time church related, i.e. baptisms, blessings, etc) They don't have my address and my cell contract is up this month so I was contemplating changing my #. But, I have not ever just brought my partner to a family function, but I think many of my siblings would be uncomfortable and RUDE to him (I'm guessing that for a few reasons: 1. They never include him 2. We saw my brother that text "I have hope for you...we all do" at a bank and he didn't give my partner the time of day, only me and my partner was standing right next to me. I was too uncomfortble to even step up and introduce him as I realize now I should have!) So bringing him to a family event and giving my family the benefit of the doubt I feel is like casting my "pearl to the swine"! (not to get biblical here!) It is SCARY!!! I don't react well to bullies and know that if things went south around my family I'd be so angry in front of them. So I guess before bringing him to a family event I'll have to really think, ponder & pray about whether it's the right thing to do. (JK but really I'll have to really think about it!) THANK YOU ALL!!! This forum is such a great help! If only Mormons knew how to show such authentic love.